When Joan Cusack plays the villain >>>>

For those of us Millenials who have gone from leading the cousin walk to hosting Thanksgiving, today is the day to clean your pipes and bongs.

Me at 8am hearing about the Trump/Clinton BJ photo

ENDING A FILIBUSTER TO SAVE THE FILIBUSTER IS THE DUMBEST ASS SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD!!!!

I'm organizing a Trans Mission trip (we build DJ schools for underprivileged children in Salt Lake City, UT).

The announcement came Monday morning.

Some of y'all were never intimidated by the smart, hot Syrian art girly in HS and it shows.

Five minutes into Fantastic 4 movie. Fiancé: Why take a test? Why doesn't she just invisible her uterus and look to see if she's pregnant herself? Me:

You have until the end of Betwanes Beek to stop pissin mt tf off.

As an Arab saying I'm occupying Lenni-Lenape land during land acknowledgement

Christopher McDonald in Happy Gilmore 2 has me feeling a lil 😏

The adult version of summer vacation is having the Big Brother live feeds on your second monitor at work.

🚫⏰️🧍🏽‍♂️ 💼📝📈

How those SSRI heat warnings sound to me, a person on SSRIs

Genuinely sad and insane that @marshablackburn, Jack Johnson & Sexton want to enshrine this into law instead of banning it. Deeply un-American.

Anyone else think the AlJazeera weather man has a threatening aura

I fucking love Garth Brooks

Whenever I accidentally type "yet" instead of "yes"

You might be important to me, but you'll never be a cup of tea in the afternoon important to me. Nwmsayn?

Having a really bad day emotionally and physically but I cling to the fact that David Suchet 🥸 was born on this day and for that there is joy in the world.

Really enjoying Survivor 34: Catholic Edition aka Conclave

Gen Z will never understand the thrill of setting your text tone to exactly the first HOOTIE HOOOOOOOOO of Pass That Dutch

It's so bizarre and delightful to watch Michael Gandolfini expecting to see his father and to instead get this Peter Lorre-like character. Truly the only reason to keep watching Daredevil. It's like biting into something expecting savory, but getting sweet, and you can't stop eating to figure it out

For the love of God someone get slavoj zizek an allergy pill

Great seeing famous giant abortion pill @thedookness.bsky.social on the skyline

HBO Max needs an option to watch at half-speed so that people with auditory processing issues* can understand John Oliver. *me

I take my meetings very seriously

Inviting the Atlantic reporter to every comedy show group chat so he knows who plans on bombing

How much money to have Patricia Arquette berate me to sleep at night?

If the government asks, we're a traditional couple.* *Has sex to Marvin Gaye.

Happy Mardi Grasmadan to all who celebrate

Who better to deliver a “pro-life” message than an elite killer-trained dude? Seriously watch this former Green Beret & current spokesperson for male victimhood explain the real injustices of abortion access. HINT: It centers him… Link to his full video in the bio if you really want to watch it. 🤮

It's time someone had a word with whoever is lighting the talking heads on The Traitors

A second Gen Z sweater has hit Survivor island

GO BIRDS #Survivor

My therapist is the best bc we are comparing our favorite vampires.

Sitting at my CPA's office in complete silence whilst she stares at the computer and mutters "So many 1099s..." over and over again.

Them: I have a cream that'll help with the pain! People with chronic pain:

While window shopping I came across a model who looks like she's SCARED about how much she NEEDS wine

Danielle from Traitors' gameplay is unraveling faster than her braids.

🦅🧿🦅🧿🦅🧿

“Terrible things are happening outside. Poor helpless people are being dragged out of their homes. Families are torn apart. Men, women, and children are separated. Children come home from school to find that their parents have disappeared.” Diary of Anne Frank January 13, 1943

As a writer/editor, I am begging you to send me your work to proofread instead of putting it through AI. Every time you use ChatGPT, it produces around 4.32 grams of CO2. But every time you ask me to edit your work, I give a plant a little kiss. Consider it.

I can finally verbalize the vibe this week and it's that I feel like a rabbit that is waiting to become roadkill.

Just hypothetically, if Lolly Adefope wanted to get married and live happily ever after, I'd be more than okay with that.

David Lynch has been in every cup of coffee I've had this week. Damn fine cups of coffee.

Another lecturer for 1/25 @ 7pm! Alyssa Al-Dookhi (Abortion Access Front) will be lecturing on using humor in activism. They will be joined by Michael Yudell (ASU) and John Hanson (DRPA/PATCO). TICKETS: sidequesttheater.fourthwalltickets.com/shows/study-... @thedookness.bsky.social

Reflecting on past relationships, I feel like I fly in like Mary Poppins to fix people with my bag of tricks and a spoonful of sugar and just end up with a super fragile calloused ex who's plagued with halitosis.

Spending the weekend in my married friends' guest room. Pulling today's tshirt out of my booking made me feel like a newly divorced dad.