BENTINE: Do you speak any foreign languages? SECOMBE: Yes, I speak several. BENTINE: Do you speak French? SECOMBE: No, only Several. (Crazy People S1 E2, 4 Jun 1951. "Concocted by Spike Milligan. Additions to the mixture made by Larry Stephens. The poison bottled and labelled by Jimmy Grafton."

BENTINE: Gentlemen, the journey is over 3,000 miles of yet unexplored territory. It will have to be covered on foot. SELLERS: What about the terrain? BENTINE: There are no trains. (Goon Show S2 E19, 3 Jun 1952. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

To celebrate the 75th anniversary of the first broadcast of the Goon Show on 28 May 1951 we have a special offer for those of you who wish to join us! Sign up by the 4th of June to take advantage of the discount! goonshow.org/gsps/join/

"Pull your chair up to the ceiling, fill up your glass with potassium cyanide & let the Goons do the rest!" Crazy People - later renamed the Goon Show - was first broadcast on 28 May 1951. Happy 75th birthday, Goon Show!

TIM: What's this I hear about you doing film work? MICHAEL: Oh yes - you remember The Small Back Room? TIM: Yes. MICHAEL: Well I wallpapered that. (Goon Show S2 E18, 27 May 1952. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

ADMIRAL TARBUCKET: Gentlemen, sit down please. MP: What is the position, Admiral? ADMIRAL: Quite simple. You bend your legs & pull the chair underneath you. (Goon Show S2 E17, 20 May 1952. Script: Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

BLOODNOK: Blast! The crocodile's drifting towards the other canoe. I'll ask them to tow it to the bank. (CALLS) Eccles! Will you give that crocodile a tow? ECCLES: Why me? He's had 3 of mine already! (Goon Show S2 E16, 13 May 1952. Script: Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

Delighted that actor, voice artist & Goons expert RICHARD USHER will be performing 2 'long-lost' Peter Sellers sketches at our #TPTV FESTIVAL OF FILM & TV at #RedditchPalace Sunday 13th Sept 2026. To book call 0808 178 8212 or online here! buff.ly/1SPQOHw

SPIKE: I've ridden through winter's icy breath I've ridden in the face of death I have ridden through snow & hail To deliver this message without fail I've ridden since early December PETER: But what's the message? SPIKE: I can't remember (Goon Show S3 E25, 5 May 1953. Script by Milligan & Stephens)

SELLERS: A man named Roger Souther is staying with us. SECOMBE: Ah - Roger the Lodger. SELLERS: No - Souther the Boarder. (Goon Show S2 E14, 29 Apr 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

PETER: Now, about your education... you're well-read? HARRY: Oh, I know all about books. They're things people keep pages in. PETER: I see you had a public school education. (Goon Show S3 E24, 28 Apr 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

SPIKE: Secombe, we want you to get up to the border post and investigate smugglers. HARRY: How do I get up there? SPIKE: Here comes some fast music - jump on that. (Goon Show S2 E13, 22 Apr 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

FX: LOUD KNOCKING CRUN: Oh - there's the door. You get it, will you, Eccles? ECCLES: Der - OK FX: TEARING & SPLINTERING ECCLES: Ermm... here's the door. Where shall I put it? (Goon Show S3 E23, 21 Apr 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

PUREHEART: What's going on over there? ECCLES: I'm chopping this tree down. P: Silly man! If you stand that side of the tree, it'll fall on top of you & then what would you do? E: Errr... I'd shout: Doctor! Get me a doctor! (Goon Show S2 E12, 15 Apr 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

HARRY: We drank a toast then we smashed our glasses in the fireplace. Pausing to pick up the bent frames, I staggered half-blind from the room. (Goon Show S3 E22, 14 Apr 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

PUREHEART: Sorry I'm a little late. Stanley Black buttonholed me for a moment. TIM: Really? He never says two words to me. PUREHEART: You're lucky. He's always saying two words to me. (Goon Show S2 E11, 8 Apr 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton)

CRUN: Where have you been all day? ECCLES: I've been at the zoo. It was the penguins' feeding time. NED: So you like penguins? ECCLES: Erm.... no. I like fish. (Goon Show S3 E21, 7 Apr 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

HARRY: Have you noticed my new suit? The tailor worked on it all night. TIM: Obviously without lights. HARRY: Nonsense, Timothy. It fits me like a glove. TIM: I wondered why it had four trouser legs and one sleeve. (Goon Show S2 E10, 1 Apr 1952. Script by Milligan & Stephens. Edited by Grafton)

BLOODNOK: Admit it - you're a spy. HERR KOMMZEBRIDE: I am not a spy. I'm a shepherd. BLOODNOK: Ah... a shepherd spy. (Goon Show S3 E20, 31 Mar 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

For 10 years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot. And finally with a piece of string. (Goon Show S7 E25, 28 Mar 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

BENTINE: Has England lost its old fire, its burning spirit of adventure? No! Even today the blood still races through our veins as we thrill to stirring statements such as... SELLERS: Rain with occasional fog patches. (Goon Show S2 E9, 25 Mar 1952. Script by Milligan & Stephens. Edited by Grafton)

SENATOR McELLINGTON: The committee have now inspected your passport photograph... HAROWITZ: The photograph is blurred. You must have moved. ECCLES: No. I'm still living in the same place. (Goon Show S4 E26, 22 Mar 1954. Script by Larry Stephens.)

MIN: Oh! He's fainted! NED: Yes, and at the exact moment at which you hit him with that hammer. (Goon Show S7 E24, 21 Mar 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

Oddly fascinated by "Bumblethorpe", a Spike Milligan / Larry Stephens / Peter Ling serial from 1951 in which there was a different Bumblethorpe every week, including Tony Hancock, Alfred Marks, Jack Train and Bonar Colleano. Valentine Dyall and Kenneth Connor also lurking on the premises.

SEAGOON: Major, you're not going to run away from the enemy? BLOODNOK: Well, there's no point in running away from anyone else, is there? (Goon Show S6 E27, 20 Mar 1956. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

HARRY: 24 hours later, I was in Madrid... SPIKE: Buenos dias senor. HARRY: No thanks, I never touch it. SPIKE: Oh! Senor is a foreigner. HARRY: Foreigner?! Nonsense! I'm an Englishman. (Goon Show S3 E19, 17 Mar 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

FX: SPLASH. BUBBLES. PUREHEART: Hello down there! Eccles? ECCLES: Der - hello! I'm on the ocean bed. PUREHEART: Is it cold on the bottom? ECCLES: No - only when I sit on it. (Goon Show S2 E7, 11 Mar 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton)

FX: KNOCK ON DOOR BLOODNOK: Who is it? ECCLES: The Intelligence Officer. I've got a message for the Major. BLOOD: A message? Slide it under the door. ECC: OK but it ain't gonna be easy. BLOOD: Why not? ECC: It's in my head. (Goon Show S3 E18, 10 Mar 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan.)

Radio highlights: Looking for a Boat. Vintage Goons - The Seagoon Memoirs. Weather: light sleet or snow. Outlook - continuing cold. 3c, 37f

CRUN: With the closing of the canal, our ships have been forced to travel round the Cape. SPRIGGS: Couldn't they travel overland? CRUN: We've tried that but it ruins the bottoms of the ships. (Goon Show S7 E22, 7 Mar 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

SEAGOON: Bloodnok, you must stop drinking that Sake... BLOODNOK: Ohhh, just this one. It's thirsty work, this drinking. (Goon Show S6 E25. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

GSPS magazine no. 192 is out now, folks! If you're not a member yet, why not join today? goonshow.org/gsps/join/

DICK BARTON: Now remember chaps, we're carrying 200 atom bombs so whatever you do, don't touch that chromium-plated lever. ECCLES: Der - why not? BARTON: I've just polished it. (Goon Show S2 E6, 4 Mar 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton)

NED: Make sure the men are issued with the special vitamins. ECCLES: Ermmmm... Vitamins? NED: Yes. Surely you know what they are? Vitamins A, B, C, E... ECCLES: That's a funny way to spell vitamins. (Goon Show S3 E17, 3 Mar 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan.)

Happy #StDavidsDay Welsh-type folks!

NEDDIE: I want to buy a penguin... How much are they? SPRIGGS: I'll just look in the catalogue. NEDDIE: I don't want a cat. I want a penguin. So look in the penguinlogue. (Goon Show S7 E21, 28 Feb 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

HARRY: I went to France. The farmer was very friendly - he shouted good morning in French PETE: GOOD MORNING IN FRENCH! (Goon Show S2 E5, 26 Feb 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

SEAGOON: Just what I need - a left-handed penguin! BLOODNOK: Shall I wrap him? SEAGOON: Just a scarf and overcoat. (Goon Show S7 E20, 21 Feb 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

HARRY: Where have you been? TIM: I was having a Turkish bath & watching a film on television. HARRY: What was showing? TIM: Nothing... I had a towel wrapped round me. (Goon Show S2 E4, 19 Feb 1952. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

FX: PHONE RINGS SELLERS: Secombe, this is Moriarty. Where are you? SECOMBE: A shirt-bending factory in Leeds. SELLERS: But nobody wants bent shirts! SECOMBE: I know. Business is terrible! (Goon Show S3 E15, 17 Feb 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

Some folks they hurl puddings of batter But pancakes are round & much flatter With wrist-flicking flair They'll toss in the air Then land on your head like a hat... er #PancakeDay

NED: Aren't you from the Battersea Labour Exchange? THYNNE: Yes, but we have a small branch here licensed to sell strawberry teas & Morris dancing NED: Ah! Sending British culture abroad, eh? THYNNE: And the best place for it (Goon Show S7 E6, 14 Feb 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

SECOMBE: Look - there's a moose over there. Give me the gun. CRUN: Shoot, Secombe! Shoot! FX: SHOT ECCLES: OK, I've shot Secombe. What now? (Goon Show S4 E20, 12 Feb 1954. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

HARRY: Let me have a look at the menu... er... what's deuxième janvier? PETER: That's the date. HARRY: Can I have custard on it? (Goon Show S3 E14, 10 Feb 1953. Script by Larry Stephens & Spike Milligan. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

BB: What time is it, Eccles? E: Just a minute, I got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning. BB: Why do you carry it around with you? E: If anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them. (Goon Show 7 Feb 1957. Script by Milligan & Stephens.)

BLUEBOTTLE: I shall not speak. No word shall pass my lips. Beat me, torture me, burn me with red-hot irons - I will not speak... Until it hurts. (Goon Show S4 E19, 5 Feb 1954. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

THYNNE: What are you doing in Paris? SEAGOON: Starving. THYNNE: Unpatriotic devil! Why don't you starve in England? (Goon Show S8 E19, 3 Feb 1958. Script by Larry Stephens & Maurice Wiltshire.)

Larry Stephens was living at 17 Broad Court in 1949. It was a 10-minute walk away from the Nuffield Centre which is where he first met Tony Hancock.

NED: What are you doing up that tree? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: We're mountaineering on a rather tight budget. (Goon Show S7 E18, 31 Jan 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

NED: Look! It's an envelope & there's a message inside. BLOODNOK: A message inside? NED: Yes, sir. BLOODNOK: Curse it! I don't speak a word of Side. (Goon Show S4 E18, 29 Jan 1954. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)