Me: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandfather. Husband: Why does it say “Do not resuscitate”

I dont even know how to use my debit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Insert it? Rub it? Kiss it?

When I am running late for work, I take the police lights off my husband's car and put them on my Bronco so I can ignore red lights and stop signs.

Im going to start a new business where I fix the victims hair before crime scene photos are taken

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing

When I'm at one of my husbands crime scenes, I run through the yellow crime tape like I just came in first place at a marathon.

#DiaperDon #Shitler #stinkerincheif

If anyone needs me today, Well, I'll honestly be genuinely surprised and then immediately question your judgement...

I can do this. It ain't rocket surgery.

Most people won't admit their faults, I would if I had any.

I'm tired of everyone assuming I've got a great personality just because I'm ugly.

Me: Aww a valentine! Officer: It's a ticket. Me: A ticket to your heart. Officer: Sir, will you- Me: Yes! I'll marry you.

A large part of being married to a homicide detective is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water Eau my God

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

A large part of being married to a homicide detective is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Always be yourself Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

“OMG! Would you stop blinking so loud?!?!” -marriage 😃

Grocery Store Robbery Robber: Sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees Me (next in line): Sowly places grocery separator behind gun

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens us to use their services, or they’ll bring us to financial ruin

Judge: *banging gavel* Guilty! Me: Of being too handsome? Judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I keep the romance alive in our marriage by leaving a trail of rose petals that leads to the garbage that needs to be taken out.

Went into a massage parlor and asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean man reading me Cinderella.

The Dr. didn't seem to find it as humorous as I did that I drew penises on the ends of all his tongue depressors...

Using self-checkout lane so I don't have to interact with anyone. *Scans first item.* Register: ... "Please wait for assistance."

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

Me: Does this shirt made me look fat? My husband: Let me jog around to your front to have a look...

Bought an eggplant, I'm gonna grow my own eggs

My husband gets annoyed with my long showers. I told him they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if he joined me

Facebook is set to release a smartphone in which every time you end a call it will suggest random strangers you may want to call.

I noticed how lots of guys get really tense when they use the urinal, and how giving them relaxing back rubs doesn't help.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] OK, Now let’s do a silly one.

Remember kids, if you’re driving on the ice and start sliding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

[driving test] Me: *doing donuts* Instructor: What the hell?! Me: I thought I saw a cop.

Cop *knocking on door* Open up it's the police! Me: It's ok, I haven't done any crimes... Cop: The fashion police... Me *kicking my crocs off* shit.

It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be....

Sorry everyone my account was hacked and someone posted 14,511 awful statuses. This is so embarrassing I usually do landscaping advice.

This just in: A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits... And people who order a quad shot, non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

Amazon review: Amazon river ⭐☆☆☆☆ DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don't even have free shipping.

Atlanta will no longer be called Hotlanta. We shall now be referred to as Ice, Ice, baby starting this weekend.

Positive vibes only, I say from the couch where I watch murder documentaries all day

Add glitter to air bags to make car accidents more festive.

[A minute after having sex] Well, if you thought THAT was bad, you should read my Facebook posts.

[murder scene] Detective Kearney: What do we have here? Me: Dead people. Jesus, John, is this your first fuckin day?

John: It’s the next exit. Me: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Sometimes when I go to hug my husband, He pats me down for weapons and drugs

This morning there were 2 squirrels having sex in my backyard. I called my husband to come see so that he could pick up some tips.

According to a new survey, older men are more likely to gain weight and let themselves go after getting married. The survey was conducted by asking my husband.

If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.