There was so much traffic on the highway this morning I couldn't even weave around the slow people! #rude

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking" *pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked*

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing the husband muttering "no one would ever suspect"

Most of the time, I feel it’s my humility that really takes my greatness over the top.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

All I'm saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

[First Date] John G Kearney: So, are you a dog person or a cat person? Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Police Officer: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but... Sir-Mix-A-Lot: I like where this is going...

Sunday Favs @bab102.bsky.social @atoth99.bsky.social @kalavender.bsky.social @margaretforsyth.bsky.social @falrising.bsky.social @jackiefromtexas.bsky.social @deborahinohio.bsky.social @pissedoffsagg.bsky.social @blueresister.bsky.social @ladyinred50.bsky.social @h0pe4dfuture.bsky.social

You can't want a Christian nation and also want the antichrist to lead it.

I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words better...

I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1974.

I was at the pool yesterday and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

I was going down I-85 this morning and saw some idiot texting and driving so I threw my beer at them.

It's a little wild that a pedophile named in the Epstein files over one million times is snatching up children like some sort of child fucking Grinch

It’s actually really disappointed by the number of people who still use Twitter and maintain an account there. Not interested in anyone’s excuses. Same with people who drive Teslas.

You know you are in the suburbs when traffic becomes all white panel vans with ladders stacked 10 feet high on top

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter* OH GOD WHY?!?!

Doctor: "I'm going to draw some blood." Me: "You should use a red crayon." Doctor: "Okay. And we are going to get you to do some IQ tests."

[Stood on the same step for 7 hours] Me: "I don't think this is an escalator, actually."

During a 24-hour marathon reading of the Epstein files, an survivor reads aloud a damning allegation from a teenage victim who accused Trump of hitting her during a sexual assault. Keep talking about the #EpsteinFiles! Keep making every violator uncomfortable.

A haunted hayride should always return at least one person short

Is it weird that National Geographic wants to film me eating?

I had sex again, so I guess my husband likes me more than just a friend. I’m pretty excited about that.

So it turns out it's not a "popsicle course" after all and gyms are stupid

If my husband knew there was a light in the attic, he would leave that one on too.

Me: You haven’t changed since the day we met Husand: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

[First day as a doctor] Patient: *throwing up blood* Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.

*swallows pride* *reads the label* This pride may contain nuts* oooh nooo *swells with pride*

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha. Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

*meanwhile at one of my husbands crime scenes* Me: Does anyone actually know the cost of an arm and a leg? asking for a friend

Getting old is fun. I just glanced to the right and now I’m in a neck brace

I am now at the age where people DRESS me with their eyes.

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

[carrying too many items] Store Clerk: Would you like a basket? Me: No thanks my arms are full

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Out of all children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony?

I like to play with "toys" in bed. It's fun to make spaghetti with my playdoh kitchen creations.

A Murder Mystery Dinner Party but I Put it together at one of my husbands crime scenes.

Me: You wanna put something dirty on tv? Husband: *seductively drapes his socks on television*

[married conversation] Me: Hey, babe…guess what? Hubs: What? Me: I’m not wearing any underwear. Hubs: You need me to do laundry?

I don’t wipe after a bowel movement. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

There are 2 levels of clean in my house. 1. Not clean. 2. It’s better than it was.

Oooooh we’re halfway there Oooooh oooh running from a bear I pushed you down Accidentally I swear Oooh oooh eaten by a bear You were eaten by a bear

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

*Brought flowers home to my husband* Him: I suppose I need to drop my pants and roll over? Me: Don’t we have a vase?