Alex Trebek: This accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics Me: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Washing instructions: Hand wash only. Me: We’ll see about that.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray. Sometimes I don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet.

*stretches* *stretches* *stretches* *finally touches toes* MAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

You say "pervert with a telescope." I say "biological astronomer."

People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger.

Please don't start calling me "hero", but this lady slipped and fell at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean-up in Aisle 3.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Me: I look cute today. Camera: No.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

"Honey! I made pancakes!" and other terrifying things my unsupervised husband says

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

In case anyone hasn't told you today: I'm beautiful

Whenever I post something great and nobody responds right away, I assume it's because everyone spontaneously stood up to applaud and cheer.

I V E M U R D E R E D S E V E N P E O P L E......would be a fun eye chart for an optometrist to have...

This was gonna be a remarkably funny status before I was so rudely interrupted by a jogger brutally bouncing off my front windshield Thanks a lot dick

[texting] John G Kearney: What’re you doing Me: Watching a chicken strip John G Kearney: Why don’t you just eat it Me: BECAUSE IT’S BUSY DANCING, JOHN

I'll never forget that amazing, erotic, honeymoon night that I spent with what's his name...

Isn't it funny that marriage and insanity both involve commitment and white clothing?

My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.

Happy Anniversary to my one and only soulmate. You never cease to inspire me to be a better person. Being with you these last 15 years has been magical and I cant imagine my life without you. You are everything to me. 14 Years married, 15 years since we met.

I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...

I couldn't get the Bluetooth in my car to connect to my phone on my way home last night, so I had to listen to regular radio basically like some sort of Amish person.

[Police Line up] Husband: Please point to the one who cut your arms off Me: 😂 Victim: 😭

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

My dogs worry about the economy because Dog treats now cost $7.00 a box. That's $49.00 in dog money!

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him. Then, just let his circus instincts take over

Being married to a homicide detective means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

My neighbor thinks I'm stalking him. Any time he hears a noise he is purified. Petrified! Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars

This coffee is said to have "spellbinding complexity, intense and strong character." What the hell Starbucks? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not another husband.

Revenge is never as great as you think it will be, and the police always show up too soon.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone. Player 2: *buzz* Don't touch the sides! Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to get lost and buy my own...

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

When I take the dog for a walk, I like to borrow John's police uniform and pretend I'm searching the neighborhood for drugs.

(1st Date) John: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale John: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly

[Me wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs] Ok John, I’ll look at that rash now.

*gets pulled over* Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: *pulls string, inflates emergency mustache* Cop: Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.