I now wear Hunter S. Thompson yellow sunglasses... I’m in a strangely confident place in my life.

Wait a second… DEI includes Paternity leave for Fathers?!?!?!?

Stay safe on your dating apps in DC folks. The new crop just popped in and it's looking Musky.

They seem to be very concerned about diversity. Well, let's break this down. If 44/45 guys, going back 236 years, all got sunburned. But 1 new guy showed up, over 15 years ago… and he didn't get sunburn. Diversity would probably be less important than the real possibility of skin cancer. Right?

So many L’s. [Stephen A Smith Voice] “Luka landing in LA to link with LeBron? Legendary! This Lakers lineup's gonna leave the league in awe. Limitless Luka and legendary LeBron—LA's lights just got a lot brighter!” #Lakers #Luka #LeBron #NBASky

Luka to the Lakers has everyone in LA looking like this.

This is the only reason I'm holding onto Instagram.

Sending this to folks unprompted in 2025.

Being a fan of Washington Sports teams will do things to you.

[Fake Facts FoxNews will Run With in 2025] Only 1 in 5 of Gen-Z can whistle? Whistling was once a form of catcalling, so millennials stopped learning how to do it (60%). Now, even fewer Gen-Z can. Some even claiming they're physically incapable of whistling. Woke people cancelled Whistling.

Yeah, that seems correct… 😤

My Spotify Wrapped is just the call-waiting song for Xfinity when I tried to cancel my internet.

12 year old Dee thought there were going to be wayyy more hostage situations when I grew up. Now, it's just reflux situations.

Help if you can. He's a great person.

I don’t want to hear anyone of you bitch and moan in 2 weeks saying 2024 was so tough. NO! You know what happens in January!!! Technically, 2024 is as good as it’s gonna get for like 5 years. Cherish 2024. THEN CONTOUR THE WAR PAINT. KNUCKLE UP. BITE DOWN ON THE MOUTH GUARD. and just...

Black Friday Blacker Saturday Bigger and Blacker Sunday Cyber Monday Giving Tuesday WTF Did I Buy Wednesday Fraudulent Charge Thursday

I am done eating fast food for good. I am now eating fast food for Evil.

Hey Jokes on Tap is back at Port City in Alexandria tomorrow at 7:30 featuring @olmikeb757.bsky.social @deeahmed.bsky.social Come out and have fun for once in your life!

Quote post yourself from another era. 2016, I was in Puerto Rico for a bachelor party. We wore banana costumes and got into a massive street fight in San Juan. We scattered and were called The Plantain Bandas(Gang). These are the only photos linking me to this event.

These stickers are not hitting like they used to.

This is how I hold microphones. Please don’t bully me.

Why does this Adderall taste like I’m going to learn Mandarin today?

And he’s back baby!!!!

Went to Greece. Found this hat. Never taking it off. ✊🏾🤠

You @ 25 vs Your Dad @ 25 Im definitely give my Dad this fade. But, my Mama would beat the shit out of me shortly afterwards. She was an Olympic hopeful in Somalia.

Could someone buy me this?

Oh shit I forgot I had this thing.

Being a teacher has to be crazy. How do you get called Sir and Pussy for 9 months straight?

Women of Washington, DC… When he says he’s 5”11. ASK 👏🏾TO👏🏾 SEE 👏🏾HIS👏🏾 ID!

Whenever I see a helicopter flying over DC. I think something bad just happened. Whenever I see a helicopter flying over Arlington. I think some YT lady lost their dog. #Arlington #DMV

Last weekend on a pride float in DC.

What is the best/worst name in all of hip-hop? I'll go first. Mos Def / Pooh Shiesty #FridayQuestions

Spirit Airlines isn't even that bad! Y'all gave just grown up comfortable and weak.

“Deal Breakers” are hilarious. You could be a 10/10 but if need goggles to swim... You're dead to her.

When you find the perfect parking spot seconds after arriving. And you see that family you stole the spot from.

My wife when she realizes I haven't left for work yet and I'm might to be late.

I'm committing crimes this summer... My first crime. Swimming with socks.

Don't worry he's friendly! Him:

I have arrived in the sky! 🌌