The urge to fall asleep on the couch even though you know you'll feel miserable when you wake up.

Mukoda from "Campfire Cooking In Another World With My Absurd Skill" (yeah, that's the whole title).

My kids are all hyped up for the National Caesar Salad Day fireworks. I hope they do one in the shape of an anchovy this year.

So, when everybody was going nuts over the price of eggs and blaming Biden, it was actually collusion keeping prices high. Then they lowered them to make Trump look good. Forget donating eggs and paying a fine, why aren't these extremely rich price-fixers doing time? apnews.com/article/egg-...

Some foods are so delicious you shouldn't be allowed to make them yourself. Try and eat one croque madam when you have the capacity to make a dozen. DOCTOR: So that's a no on diet as well as exercise, huh?

Sorry I didn't feel like celebrating the 250th anniversary of the U.S. during the "Oops All Nazis!" era.

I wish there were days without horrific, soul-crushing news because I really just want to talk about dumplings with y'all and how great dumplings are.

Hello, yes, I'm the person who thinks more things should taste like jalapeno. Heat is nice sometimes, but really it's that grassy flavor I crave. It makes ketchup better. It makes "everything" spice better. Mix it into my butter. Spike my maple syrup with it.

I hope everyone who sets off fireworks before it's even July gets dysentery, Oregon Trail style.

These things don't need to be illegal, but they should probably be on a list of controlled substances.

Men and women around the world embracing bisexuality just to make sure Jesse Watters isn't attracted to them.

We really ended up with a dystopia that's both dull and terrifying.

This cheap-o torch lighter and I share a philosophy.

I'm trying to practice radical forgiveness by assuming grammatical mistakes are caused by autocorrect rather than ignorance.

You're only as old as you feel, so I hope you're free for my funeral next week.

I've gotta stop watching cooking videos after I've already eaten dinner. Anyway, brb, about to see if Big Ed's is still serving gyros tonight.

Can honestly say that, among the things I did not need to happen today, the dishwasher not draining is one I didn't need the most.

Every day in 2026 feels like a Monday (derogatory).

Me: How does nachos sound for lunch? Wife: Isn't it kind of early to be thinking about lunch? Me:

It feels wrong telling you all to watch "Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die" via social media, but it's not like I have your home addresses to send you a letter, so this is it.

Me: imagine telling everyone you are so bad at sex that you have to work on your "night moves." Wife: I mean, a little practice wouldn't kill you. Me: I was talking about Bob Seger. Wife: Yeah, ask him for tips while you're at it.

I hope your day goes better than you think it will.

Too much filling? For the presentation, yes. For my mental well-being, it was just right. Probably would've been fine if I'd just gone for a French-style omelet as initially planned, but then I saw the croissant buns just sitting there and...yeah.

I'm free today, so I guess I'll be the new prime minister.

I have tried every brand of chili crisp I could find and Lan Gau Ma is really the only one for me. Everything else is too sweet or doesn't have enough heat. S&B is acceptable, very garlicky, but still a distant second.

Happy Father's Day to those who procreate.

You can make this stuff up, it's just so stupid everyone will ignore it and then it happens for real and they say, "You can't make this stuff up!"

cake pop demon hunters

Me: Hey, babe? Who is the insane lady sniffing all our appetizers? Wife: That's Lisa. She's my second cousin once removed. Me: About to be twice removed if she doesn't stop breathing hard on the bean dip.

Father's Day gift idea: Tell him, yeah, he screwed you up, but not as bad as your friends' dads screwed them up. As a parent, I promise you that's what he really wants.

I'm just a man, standing in front of an empty basket of plumcots, trying to figure out a plausible lie to tell my wife.

Kids grow up too fast these days, especially in the new Hyper-Age Cube™️.

"So ... so I said ... why not sign your treaty here, at Versailles?"

I mowed the lawn in the wrong shoes and now I'm walking like Frankenstein's monster: slowly and afraid of fire.

As someone who primarily writes about food, it's important to me that we make the rich taste good when we finally eat them.

At this point I'm really just voting because I like stickers.

Accidentally searched "Oklahoma erection results" and y'all are not going to believe where babies come from.

For one of the funniest cookbooks that also makes great food, definitely check out this new one from Greg Baxtrom called "Nothing Matters...but Delicious," as I did, from my local public library.

Voice at the speaker: How about some dipping sauces? Person at the first window: Let me read back that order...oh, dipping sauces, nice. Person at the second window [internally]: No way in hell I'm ever giving this jagweed any of our precious dipping sauces!

I'm struggling, too. When will some VC group show up and pay my family handsomely for this distressed property?! abcnews.com/Business/wir...

Tr*mp surrendered. America spent $80B to bomb Iran and now America spends $300B to fix it.

Lima beans. I've tried. I've tried so hard. Just cannot for the life of me get there.

One thing I'll say for Okie politicians: they come right out and tell you exactly why you shouldn't vote for them.

I have a small confession which is that when I read a menu and see (gf) next to something I still read it as being for your girlfriend

HOW IS THIS REALITY?!

It doesn't matter what you're selling, if you're doing it at my door, you're not making that sale.

I don't hate it, but I definitely did not see the resurgence of beef sticks coming. Like, what magical sub-generation just came of age and asked, "What if Slim Jims were, well, not healthy, per se, but ..."

My late forties seems like a weird time to put the pieces together and figure out that most of my favorite foods are stews.

No man is an island? Seems you've yet to meet my friend Oahu Fletcher.