"...and if you ordered fries, even if you didn't ask, they would give you ketchup." GRANDKIDS [quietly, to each other]: "This old-ass liar. Remember when he said he loved us?"

As I do every morning, I drank a cup of coffee and imagined how great it would be if Donald Trump got diarrhea so bad that it killed him and, ideally, everyone in a 15-foot radius.

Happy Cyber Monday, weird pervs.

I am once again calling for the creation of a drive-thru breakfast pizza slice shop where the only options are cold or lukewarm.

I cannot recommend highly enough calling Markwayne Derpadorp's office and telling his staff that every time he appears on television he makes Oklahoma look bad, he should not accept offers to be on TV, and he should resign immediately. (405) 246-0025

I named my fists Augustus and Gloop, because they're fat as hell and almost always holding candy.

I don't know how my kids will remember me when I'm gone, but I hope they remember all the times I told them that, while Mr. Fischoeder is a very funny character, it's the genius of Kevin Kline bringing him to life and then I listed all the Kevin Kline films I could think of and there were a lot.

I sincerely hate when people come up to your car to solicit you for donations. I'm in a car. If I wanted to come give you money, I have a way to get there.

Oh, it's Black Friday *today*? Because I've been receiving Black Friday emails since early October and I bet I keep getting them until December.

We are all, all of us, calling and writing our representatives in Congress tomorrow and demanding they impeach this racist, clearly insane, escape mental patient who is also unaccountably the President. Put it on your to-do list and then do it.

I hope everyone at the White House choked on that dry-ass overcooked turkey and tiny bottles of ketchup.

Things I'm thankful for as they occur to me today:

THERAPIST: Sounds like a mid life crisis. ME: I am at that age... THERAPIST: Mmmm. I think your life would be mid at any age, bruh.

I don't know if being lame is quantifiable, exactly, but I'm eagerly awaiting Royal Riviera pear season the way a man in the desert looks forward to water.

Every day that Markwayne Derpadorp is allowed to represent Oklahoma is another day that Oklahoma loses. We already lose plenty. We don't need Itsy Bitsy Brain-on-the-fritzy making it worse.

Watching "Lyle, Lyle Crocodile" and is Javier Bardem perfect? Singing, dancing, acting, even under a lot of makeup and he can send your Kinsey scale all catawampus.

Shoutout to the kids who walked past my at-the-curb garage cans to offer me the deal of the century: taking my garbage cans to the curb for $2.

They added a channel on Roku that just shows live safaris and I think this is finally the thing that will keep me away from y'all for good.

I remember the first time I heard that people were getting married to "Every Breath You Take" and thinking, "that's weird!" It just came on the radio and I'm listening to these lyrics again and I can't even fathom how anybody thinks this is a song about anything but a stalker.

Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. But only sometimes! Usually, the honesty is just right or even a little lacking.

imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy

Looks like all that LSD i dropped in the water in D.C. is finally kicking in.

You live(d) in OKC? Vote for the Zoo. 10best.usatoday.com/awards/oklah...

Dropping some serious money on turkeys this Thanksgiving. Remember when turkeys were almost free? It's almost like the government has ruined everything in just under a year.

IT'S TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT TIME!!!

Trump, who is himself guilty of treason and sedition many times over, is again inciting violence, murder, and assassinations by calling for Dem leaders to "hang" and that "an example must be set" for their urging service members to disobey his illegal orders.

You will never be able to convince me that this song isn't about the president. www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSQ8...

Any President who calls for the opposition party to be hanged should be immediately impeached and removed from office.

Glad that Dong Trump is finally in favor of punishing himself with death for seditious behavior. Long time coming.

OKC folks! Belle Kitchen is struggling, so if you need baked goods for the upcoming holidays, give them a try! www.instagram.com/p/DRQaut4jDL...

You ever get stuck behind a train for so long that you realize if you had a button to end the world you would have pressed it already? Anyway, please don't ever give me any kind of real power. Thank you.

Music can also set off the savage beast, fyi.

My fellow old men, please, I beseech you, let's keep our gross sex away from the young adults.

OKAY GRANDPA VERY FUN TIME TO GET BACK IN THE INCINERATOR

I want to lay down a few markers here for folks as the clock starts ticking down to the release of the Epstein Files. 1) You are going to learn about a lot more disgusting and sickening things people said, joked about and maybe even did. You will likely be disappointed in someone you had admired

THIS MAN BARELY PASSED HIGH SCHOOL IN OKLAHOMA

The Repedophile Party isn't even trying to hide it anymore, huh?

There's got to be at least one Italian who loves pepperoni right?

Y'all, this Donnie Trump fellow seems like a real piece of crap.

What a time to be alive (derogatory).

I guess it's the chicken-fried steak, but I feel like people in Oklahoma have a much stronger affinity for burgers.

forgot how racist she is

Anybody else having a real Massengill of a day or just me?

- made some bread - made a video about a cheeseburger joint - bro'd out with three dogs (female) - rewatching "Ludwig" Pretty decent Sunday, all considered.

I'm sorry if you think some MAGA chode is going to burn his hat and start voting for Democrats, good luck. That cult is about who to hate, not how to govern. Hating Trump or Vance or whoever they're supposedly turning against now doesn't mean they don't still hate everything liberal.

Mexican restaurants in crappy old IHOP buildings >>>>>>> Mexican restaurants with "a cool vibe"

You don't have to pick sides in a fight between awful people. It's okay to simply enjoy both of them destroying each other for you.

The McRib is back (derogatory)

I don't open Adult Content links because I know what adults contain

Finally figured out that Homan looks like a less-attractive (somehow) version of Mr. Rumbold from "Are You Being Served?"