just got added to YET ANOTHER ONE and I almost screamed out loud at the office instead of my usual internal screaming

COWORKER: you wanna get lunch? ME: not right now, I had a late breakfast, you go ahead, thanks COWORKER: [visibly disappointed, leaves] MY BRAIN: ....you do realise he was asking you to hang out and develop camaraderie ME: oh ME: ME: why tho

Just learned that Greek yoghurt & Greek-style yoghurt are not the same? WHAT OTHER TRICKERY PERCHES SINISTERLY UPON OUR GROCERY SHELVES??

every time you like a thirst trap on Bluesky, one of the DDoS attackers loses their dick

🩹🦋 I think I fixed it

"where do you see yourself in 10 years" in the mirror lmao

omfg winner

The Kaiju on their way to invade our world:

God @ Adam and Eve about the apple

girls at the tanning salon:

A group of musical killer whales is called an orcastra

Tired: favorite cobbler Wired: solemate

fiercely! procrastinating at my office desk

Moving into the shoulder region on the vein tour. Excuse the lopsided exercise glasses.

I've seen enough |￣￣￣￣￣￣ | | SUMMON | | THE | | BALROG | | ＿＿＿＿＿__| (\__/) || (•ㅅ•) || / 　 づ

need me a man like that

Someone at the office complex is offering FREE COOKIES so my awareness of my rising HbA1c levels & my predilection for sweet treats are at WAR

If Sabrina Carpenter was a biology teacher covering dissections: 🎶 Do you want the mouse tour 🎶

is too much to ask for people in public to walk with environmental awareness or is that just where we are now as a species

their daughter

Mamma mia implies the existence of Pappa pia

my face when an external stakeholder asks me "how big is the department" meaning he knows that what I represent is handled by a department but not knowing that the department is me, I'm the department, I'm the guy doing the work of a whole department on a single salary

we rollin' or what

was supposed to resume playing video games tonight but fell into a music video deep dive on YouTube instead and there's so much new music from old favorites and I don't know how to keep up with it all and what a delicious problem to have

Please be empty, I want to be the only one inside you (me flirting with a gym)

NOTE TO SELF: stop being such a good walking tour guide that the tourist you took around for sightseeing is too tired afterwards to do the Fun Activities that you actually arranged to meet up for

the horrors persist, so we must remain as whimsical as possible.

Me and the girls

ME: [gets home after a grueling 13-hour day, utterly exhausted, socially drained, wanting to do absolutely nothing but collapse into bed and sleep the dreamless sleep of weariness] SMOKE DETECTOR: lol BEEP

I only wear a coat because it's cold AF in the office but also it helps me serve looks so-

Send the call out, send the call out Calling all my baddest women, it's about to go down Click-click-click clack symphony, I need that Click-click-click clack symphony, I love the sound of it Who let the girls out? Who, who, who, who, who? Whoooo let the girls out Who, who, who, who, who?

The world’s on fire and everything’s weird but i just need you to know: you’re cute.

[doing bench press] SHOULDERS: is for me? 👉👈 ME: no SHOULDERS: aw [doing machine flys] SHOULDERS: is for meeee? ME: NO SHOULDERS: aw [doing overhead tricep extension] SHOULDERS: IS FOR ME??? ME: NO, NONE OF THESE ARE FOR YOU, WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING INVOLVED, GET LOST SHOULDERS: aw :(

It's push day at the gym and my brain tried to motivate me by thinking "let's go get bigger chesticles" and that's not a word anyone should have to bear alone so here we are

Bluesky going down showed me that I cannot live without my beloved bloomfs therefore we must join in a hivemind immediately

Tired: ruining someone's reputation Wired: aura harming

THEM: "let's take a step back" ME:

did you know I go around fixing signs I see

have you ever muted a perfectly lovely bloomf for the sole reason that they look too much like an ex that you're still in love with haha hoo boy

Overdid it! At the Gym. (everything is aching, please help)

send moods - psychologists sexting

I woke up at 9.30 and panicked about being late for work before realizing it's a Saturday so I panicked anyway because of everything else

Caught up with Invincible and it's incredible how the most gutwrenching scene in the episode isn't when guts are being literally wrenched. Sandra Oh, the woman you are.

More context on this #Artemis II image: * This is the night side, lit by moonlight. You can see city lights in Spain & Portugal, & a sliver of day at lower right * The Sun is entirely behind Earth, which makes it a kind of solar eclipse, but w/ Earth doing the eclipsing instead of the Moon: ☀️🌍🚀🌕

[frantically combing my beard before a big meeting because I'd been anxiously twirling it all day]

If I was going to build a 170 kilometer long linear "smart" metropolis in the desert designed as a mirror-clad, car-free vertical structure, I would have called it the AudaCITY instead of The Line but that's just me