There is a chance of canoodling occurring at my place tomorrow so we doin' a DEEP CLEAN today

just hissed at an outlook notification by reflex, I'm clearly having a 🌟wonderful🌟 day at work

I can't get Raye's extraordinary long note in Nightingale Lane out of my head and I feel compelled to start belting it at unexpected times to pay homage

Escalator stopped moving when I was halfway up. And I had to climb. AFTER LEG DAY. Clearly I am hated by the powers that be

🎶 Mm, talk to me, talk to me Be the man that I skeet, baby Talk to me, talk to me Be the man that I skeet, skeet, skeet Mm, talk to me, talk to me Be the man that I skeet, baby Talk to me, talk to me Be the man, man, man, man, man 🎶

Barber hasn't responded to my request for a haircut appointment for 2 weeks, I fear this is the end

if I sing Man I Need at karaoke, will you all jump in to sing the "talk to me, talk to me" part in the chorus 👉👈

Work laptop's battery is dying for the second time in three years, a sign to resign methinks

Thanks for all the advice on this, folks! Interviews are done. One of the applicants is cute AF so I'm leaving the decision up to the other panelists because my judgement is compromised.

“Omfg this guy is SENDING me” - an envelope

something something my face and raw meat anyway goodnight

the piano skeet has more engagement than the shirtless one, I ADORE that my bloomfs are ✨classy✨ thots

everyone who engaged with this post gets a kiss, btw

I am apparently interviewing TWO people tomorrow lmao help I'll just hire the one who thinks The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars movie, I'll leave the rest to HR

not to brag, but I was just ranked number 5 on the list of Hollywood’s highest paid misleading men

While I've managed people before, tomorrow I'll be interviewing someone for the first time, for a role in my department and HR hasn't told me how to do that so let's crowdsource this the Bluesky way lol who's got advice

Used too much of the wasabi facewash so now is a great time if you want to eat sushi off of my face

And to provide greater context:

please stop calling it a smartphone. I know what you use it for

Accidentally knocked the dongle to the floor and I legit cried "MY BABY!!" before swooping down to pick it up. I am a well-adjusted person.

ME: MY BRAIN: ME: MY BRAIN: you should be in prison for all the time you've wasted ME: what the fuck

A rather remarkable pair of lists to be on 😂 Which is it? Am I an AI slop poster or an AI hater?

Due to stressful life conditions, I am updating "Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee" to "don't talk to me until I've had my morning emotional support coffee." Punishment for talking to me before my coffee remains unchanged: getting stabbed with a pen

if I may interrupt your timelines with an attempt at covering Pink Pony Club, please & thank you

“Funnier in person” okay I’m funnier over text. Stay away from me, physically

if it all goes up in flames, at least I'm going out with a hickey on my neck

It's finally happened: Star Trek made me cry. This week's episode of Starfleet Academy is right up there with the very best of television.

please say that me flailing my legs to finish a rep is cute or something

why are dragons always not around anymore why can’t they just be around sometimes

someone pls put this on a tanktop so I can wear it openly without getting imprisoned, thanx

Veins giving Nile delta, kinda

be cay, do grime

I'm coming to the cryogenic chamber

it should be more acceptable to shake people and scream WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT when they’re being stupid

My purpose on Bluesky is to make you dread my next selfie, for I can post whatever I wish and you can't stop me

I want everyone to know @jayguiri.bsky.social texted me out of the blue just to call me a bitch 💅

headphones so good that my laptop is refusing to let go of them

Can't believe last week I was being immobilized by a gorgeous hunky hairy man in Bangkok who controlled my breathing & made me submit in desperation while maintaining intense eye contact and keeping his lips just barely out my kiss's reach and this week I'm crying over a slide deck

nut today, satan

UPDATE: was supposed to go for a run before work this morning but my calf cramped severely while still in bed so it's gonna be another day of my brain yelling at me lol

“2026 is the year of the horse” The horse:

venmoing you $20 for gas money to run me over in the street

Update: I fundamentally misunderstood the pre-interview assignment, so safe to say I'm not getting the job BUT AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY MOOSKLES

requesting the good people of Bluesky to hold me accountable if you ever see me not being a total dork

strategy for interview tomorrow: flex the mooskles until they hire me hehe rawr

btw the job interview requires me to present a strategy and I'm like what if my strategy is so good that they hadn't thought about it and they steal my ideas without hiring me but also if I hold those ideas back then they won't hire me anyway like wtf

I was today years old when I learned blueberries can be green on the inside?? 😭

Everyone please congratulate The Curator from Expedition 33 on his new gig as a model

Mercury in heterograde