(Just had caffeine) I love you all and I’m emotionally invested in your failures and successes your children are beautiful let’s go to da Bahamas next week.

I love when someone needs a pocket knife and I’m only person that has one like yeah that’s me I’m really that bitch here you go baby start cutting up.

Ate so many biscuits at CB earlier that I had to go to the bathroom and cut the band off my underwear w a pocket knife. Thanks love y’all.

Massage place in my extremely Amish town just got busted for jacking people off

70 year old woman vaping outside of Cracker Barrel

If one more man apologizes to me “on behalf of all men” I’m going to b*y a g*n because shut the fuck up pussy boy

“You’re at point blank range for some point blank strange” is something I’ve said to a man. It did work.

A movie you have seen more than 7 times with a GIF:

At the horny arcade

I love Halloween. A carton of milk just asked me for a hand job.

I haven’t had 3 McDonald’s apple pies in so long 😔

Post mammogram (ow??)

Practical Pussy

Worlds smallest

Me if I was a man- “I need a sound bar”

Had a nightmare that I went to dinner at a restaurant and the table was so tiny that my plate didn’t fit on it. My fries were falling everywhere. Waiter didn’t give a shit 😩

Me vs a big fat sandwich and it’s whoopin my fuckin ass

No kings except this mf

Boss added Big AZ cheeseburgers and boiled eggs to the vending machines.

It’s a girl! (Already deflated)

Makin a fat Dutch Baby today, ya’ll.

The fat soup

Makin a fat soup today, y’all.

I’m always saying this

Fired a guy and he said “suck yourself”. Will do thanks so much.

Major yaoi freak

I can drink a gallon of milk so fast

Gotta go deadass

When a man turns 60 he starts saying shit like “I’m going to Dairy Queen”

Guy with truck nuts in the Dunkin drive thru

There’s no turning back once the incantation is uttered, playboy

Everyone at this Whole Foods looks like they were birthed at home

🥹 I’m really yelling timber

I feel extreme maternal pride anytime I see Pitbull smiling. Dale fr y’all.

Kid at Wawa just said “my dad’s a puss”

When I was a bartender I used to make versions of customers I hated in Sims and beat the shit out of them

my religion is the One Electron Universe

Dude w a rat tail & cargo shorts just walked in the thrift store I know his ass headed straight for the blu rays

Hate when I let an uggo merge and he doesn’t wave. Bitch.

I had a dream last night that some guy grabbed both of my wrists and made me clap my own hands it was fucking humiliating

He acts like this when I’m out of almonds and it’s so fucked up

My neighbor is grilling sausages and blasting the Interstellar soundtrack

My 56 yr old boss just said “aura farming”

I just timed myself eating 2 McDonald’s apple pies. 58 seconds.

I called my boss “dog meat” yesterday

I feel so mean when I go to Jersey Mike’s and tell them I won’t be having my sandwich Mike’s way. I’m really sorry 😔

Saw a dude at the diner last week cut around a brown spot on his banana and I can’t stop thinking about how he’s a huge fucking baby for that

I’m off that hindrance

On Saturdays I put my favorite sheets on my bed and wear a matching PJ set it’s called fancy sleep and I look forward to it all day

Off that Walter Cronkite