The two most important things to me are having a beautiful breakfast and calling my boss a dipshit as soon as I clock in

If I have a matcha and listen to semi charmed life 30 times I turn into such a cunt

Every single day I almost relapse on ripping cigs and drinking Red Bull and driving like a dick head and shop lifting and

Life as a beautiful woman with 1 million gigs of RAM

Calling them “cans”

Off one matcha telling the barista he’s my twin flame

I’ve started blowing lil kisses to those who let me merge. The people are really loving that.

I never get hit on more than when I’m dressed like somebody’s fuck ass little brother I stg

Going on a first date tomorrow and the place has these stools 😫😫😫

Gigantic spouse that builds me whatever I say every single day

I ate lunch at a place that had whole milk on tap yesterday.

Getting so good at crushing cans on my forehead

Man in lumber section of Home Depot watching a YouTube video about deck repair. No headphones.

Getting pretty good at pec flexing

Just let out a cry I’ve been holding in for several weeks ate 3 chicken breasts ran a mile then puked thanks everyone

Tenga egg advent calendar

Kid just ripping crazy farts at the wawa kiosk. Loud as hell. He doesn’t give a damn.

I’m so proud of this soup I made holy shit??

(Just had caffeine) I love you all and I’m emotionally invested in your failures and successes your children are beautiful let’s go to da Bahamas next week.

I love when someone needs a pocket knife and I’m only person that has one like yeah that’s me I’m really that bitch here you go baby start cutting up.

Ate so many biscuits at CB earlier that I had to go to the bathroom and cut the band off my underwear w a pocket knife. Thanks love y’all.

Massage place in my extremely Amish town just got busted for jacking people off

70 year old woman vaping outside of Cracker Barrel

If one more man apologizes to me “on behalf of all men” I’m going to b*y a g*n because shut the fuck up pussy boy

“You’re at point blank range for some point blank strange” is something I’ve said to a man. It did work.

A movie you have seen more than 7 times with a GIF:

At the horny arcade

I love Halloween. A carton of milk just asked me for a hand job.

I haven’t had 3 McDonald’s apple pies in so long 😔

Post mammogram (ow??)

Practical Pussy

Worlds smallest

Me if I was a man- “I need a sound bar”

Had a nightmare that I went to dinner at a restaurant and the table was so tiny that my plate didn’t fit on it. My fries were falling everywhere. Waiter didn’t give a shit 😩

Me vs a big fat sandwich and it’s whoopin my fuckin ass

No kings except this mf

Boss added Big AZ cheeseburgers and boiled eggs to the vending machines.

It’s a girl! (Already deflated)

Makin a fat Dutch Baby today, ya’ll.

The fat soup

Makin a fat soup today, y’all.

I’m always saying this

Fired a guy and he said “suck yourself”. Will do thanks so much.

Major yaoi freak

I can drink a gallon of milk so fast

Gotta go deadass

When a man turns 60 he starts saying shit like “I’m going to Dairy Queen”

Guy with truck nuts in the Dunkin drive thru

There’s no turning back once the incantation is uttered, playboy

Everyone at this Whole Foods looks like they were birthed at home