This July 4th we're going to make being Br*tish illegal

Save a cow, ride a horsegirl

Need people to join my heist to steal that fucking leprechaun's Lucky Charms

Anyone want to invest in my "drive thru surgery" business

Super Monkey Ball but its Super Cunty Ball and the monkeys are like 👁️‍🗨️👄👁️‍🗨️💅

Me: your meds will be $3.46 Customer: oh I have a coupon to make the amoxicillin only $15 Me: (pause) the amoxicillin is forty five cents

There are days when I think about the inevitablilty of my own death and I wonder why I bother. I'm going nothing of value and will only be remembered by an infinitesimally small number of people who equally do not matter. Other days I think of big fat honkin titties

I can't believe Chiitan liked this

intrepid reporter: mr musk mr musk is it true youve donated all of your money to the trans person charity elon musk: yes you see im going to kill myself

(conducting a job interview) do you ever feel like a plastic bag

I think murder should be illegal

A court ordered apology for party rocking

Doctor told me I need to eat less poison

Gonna give the homeless man in front of the church by my apartment a sword and a copy of Bushido. Let the rest play out on its own.

How much would it cost to have my dick replaced with a grappling hook

"I hate you": tired, used up, honestly same dude "Your dog is ugly": devastating, unforgivable, people have killed for less

Hey girl, drop that zero and get with a zebra. 👉😎👉

I like it when I find a website that definitely just put me on a list

You know there's a lot of things wrong with the English language but sometimes it allows things like this to exist and I forgive it for everything

Both Erica and J.D. Vance's kids are about to be dropped off at the same kill shelter

When someone says they like Radiohead

I try and keep my nose clean and not trash talk other folks in comics, it is unprofessional. But I am also a proud trans woman. And John Byrne has a long, repeated history of disgusting transphobic statements on the very personal forum where he posted these comics that are now being collected.

My mom is having a conversation with Alexa like it's a person this is depressing

Looking at games on Steam Nextfest and if I see "incremental" one more time I'm going to commit arson

I lost a staring contest with a pug

Put heroin in my cereal call that Sugar Smack

Wanna do drugs but afraid of needles. Do they make gummy heroin now

Someone accidentally fed her rats her birth control They're transing the rats now

Please enjoy this first taste of our new album FIFTEEN, out in August on @nonesuch.com, featuring legendary Henry Threadgill, genius Cuban drummer Dafnis Prieto, & myself!!! !!!!!!! youtu.be/LKj7-JwzhHw?...

Incredible news

I have your nose. If you want to see it alive, send $20 million to this location by next week

Download my app! It's Uber for the gradual onset of decay!

Anyone know any obscure diseases I can contract I was thinking leprosy but that's too mainstream

Ok Google take me to the second layer of hell

Alexa help me find a reason to live

I've got an Omega-3 fatty ass

I went to Disappointment Island and everyone knew you

didnt watch the direct i went outside and watched the sun rise and took in the beauty of our real world i felt the wind in my moustache and heard the birds chirping and then i put the birds in robots and made them throw rocks at knuckles

Chaser Ne-Yo: She's got her own cock, thats why I love her

Drill sergeant: Private! Why aren't you smoking meth? Private: Sir, I was informed this was a crack team, Sir!

Yo mama so weak she takes super effective damage from Normal attacks

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(Pharrell in Get Lucky voice) Like the legend of the penis

My new conspiracy theory is that scorpions don't exist

Note: We do not use AI. Period. We pay humans to create our games, end-to-end. Adobe recently implemented a feature that quietly injected AI alt text into Umdaar. We've removed it, updated the PDF, and disabled the feature. We apologize for the error, please download the latest PDF. Also: Fuck AI.

If there's one thing I know about me it's that I'm definitely not an undercover cop

I got a fundraising text from your campaign two days after you voted for HR 2616 and not only did I NOT donate, but I responded that I never would donate to you after that vote. You don't get to wish people Happy Pride.

Lady at work was waiting for her scrip so she pulled out a harmonica and busted out a terrible rendition of God Bless America

I will go to my grave before I tell you who let the dogs out