What if a couple's song was Turbo Lover by Judas Priest

Hung out with this thing on my lunch break

What if I ate an egg

Just went to Bootyville and no one knew you. Like they didn't want to talk about you. Just uncomfortable stares and reminders to "leave the past in the past." I checked the restricted section in the archives. You died a mysterious death in the 1950s, dude.

I can't watch this without laughing uncontrollably.

Anyone else put cyanide on their eggs

I choose the method of my execution as poisoned Milky Way bar with the limited edition wrapper

(buying crack) so does this have any refills or

Anyone want some silica gel

Had a dream there was a country named Meowth and they were sick of Pokemon jokes

Thinking about a nice tall frothy mug of bleach 🤤

Opportunistic Infection is a really good name for a band

Decided we need to bring back eunichs

The fukkin GOAT, man

BREAKING: The two federal immigration agents who fired on Minneapolis protester Alex Pretti are identified in government records as Border Patrol agent Jesus Ochoa and Customs and Border Protection officer Raymundo Gutierrez.

Final Destination-ass icicle

Thinking of growing feathers

After two hours of struggling with emulator, I'm live! www.twitch.tv/stopstreamin...

So I feel like streaming for the first time in like five years or something, if I can get my shit working I'm going to be streaming Sonic Unleashed while continuing my bit from earlier today of discussing the political alignments of Sonic characters. For some reason.

Vector the Crocodile is in the Epstein files Espio is a "neither right nor left" Andrew Yang type Charmie's too young for politics but he just learned about this guy named Sneako and he thinks he makes some really good points

Can I use a bonus action to shoot myself in the head

If you are an elected dem who voted to give money to ICE at any point, the apology needs to look like this

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scombro... The gnomefish, aka the scombrops boops This is the fakest animal name of all time

I can make children read again

"Go fuck yourself" - Tired, overplayed, honestly sounds like a good time "You're not coming to my birthday party" - Devastating, insulting at any age, I was really looking forward to it

A 70 year old lady wearing a shirt that says "fart"

Oh sure, Link can bomb people's walls and he'll find money and fairies, but when I do it, it's "terrorism."

A nurse just asked me "oxycodone is for pain right?"

This is also the customer I suspect is committing credit card fraud so that's funny

Just had a customer with a $10,000 deductible What are we doing man

Just found out I'm the only one nobody's fucking in the sex cult

nancy 5: the new adventures of sluggo

If your pork is crackling, you should see a doctor

To all my customers at my pharmacy, past, present and future: know that I am DEFINITELY making fun of your name behind your back, no matter how normal it is

Pig ass

In light of recent events, I've decided I'm no longer shitposting. It's all serious from here on out

Cocks don't care about your feelings 😤

"if you see this man tell him to kill himself" goes crazy. that's goin right in my pocket

Oh sure, Bowser can kidnap someone and they'll still invite him to parties. But when I do it it's "creepy" and "illegal". 🙄

I need you to understand I have not designed a shitpost character this fast in my life

Told someone the price of her medicine and she handed me her vape

Just found out about boobs Life changing stuff

no, absolutely not, you all should've been nicer to my trans homies

Made the conscious decision to join a dating app Pray for my soul

(Leona Lewis voice) keep beating, keep keep beating off

Had a customer hand me their phone for Apple Pay and when it switched to the previous screen it was a text message that said "I have 21 goats"

The Carfax Car Fox likes to car fux

I feel like most of my problems could be solved if I had a beret

You guys still ask your parents before going online

If you're concerned about the size of your ejaculation, this podcast is for you