Finally I can be Gargamel like I always wanted

For my April Fools Day joke this year I have terrible diarrhea

Karl "xXBl4ckR0seXx" Marx

I told my coworker who I do not like to ask my furry coworker if he's doing anything yiffy this weekend

Thinkin of becoming a planet

Thinking of doing drugs (Zyrtec)

A woman wearing a Garfield and Odie rain coat while driving a car, detailed to have Mickey Mouse dabbing on the side

In stealth games there should be a 1% chance you skid your foot against the pavement and alert the guards

Getting into an epic show stopping sword fight with one of these bad boys

When I'm president I'm gonna make it illegal to breathe

I have early onset Oppenheimer

Dulcie has drip

I wanna have sex with your angina

There I cropped your picture was that so hard

If J.K. Rowling had fucked a kid or said the N-word, this wouldn't even be a discussion. So if you ever wonder why the trans community doesn't feel like anyone has their backs *gestures wildly at Bluesky today*

the soul of charlie kirk when sora gets shut down

Idk what's more embarrassing a customer listening to So Far Away by Staind or the fact that I'm able to instantly recognize So Far Away by Staind

Therapist: you don't have to post every thought you have Me (frantically typing): my goofy ass when I steal a balloon on free balloon day

Just got clocked as an anime fan by my movie theater ticket taker I have to end my life now

Cat Scratch Fever

Does anyone know my password I can't remember it

Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a poodle in your eye?

Stop it you're scaring the ghosts

In my leprechaun era

CEO of Fleshlight: "alright, time to try out our new product" (takes one stroke and fakes an orgasm)

Going on a journey of self discovery where the person I began as is fundamentally different from the person I end up as, anyone want anything?

We're gonna use a hydrochloric acid neti pot on you

Has anyone said New York Titty before

Thinking of getting laminated

Anyone know any countries that need an iron fisted dictator, I'm looking for a change in career path

Sped, pirated One Missed Call and streamed it to my friends over Discord, treason

Humans can't get ADHD. Only cats can. If you've been diagnosed with ADHD, you're a furry, even if you don't know it.

Customer just rolled up smoking a cigarette and crying and that is a whole ass mood

My work has a Labubu on the counter. Anyone know how to exorcize demons

You could never explain WWI to me. How does a terrorist attack in one part of the world lead to one or multiple wars in completely unrelated parts of the world oh wait shit

A customer gave me a hat and scarf set today why does this keep happening I'm scared

okay okay okay so Neopets has a partnership with a company called Geekify for all physical merch. Geekify ran a kickstarter a while ago for a Neopets TTRPG and raised around 425K to ship a unique noncombat focused TTRPG centering around the existing Neopets world and lore.

(the Click Five voice) cuz she's bittersweet, she suckles on my teat

We really gotta free Sirhan Sirhan and let him do his thing man

In 2013 Aaron Swartz committed suicide for facing 35 years in prison for mass downloading scientific articles. 13 years later, Meta is almost getting away with an infraction orders of magnitude larger. The law didn't change. torrentfreak.com/uploading-pi...

Absolutely lost in the sauce

LGBT ally Peter Frampton: ooh baby I love the gays

So how do we feel about the guy who came into my work with not only the popped collar but also the popped lapel on his sports jacket

The great thing about living on the Eastern shore of Maryland is it snowed like three days ago and today it's 70 and sunny Just a perpetual state of "I have no idea what to wear today"

In these difficult times I would like to let it be known that my outfit is fucking amazing

I'm going to commit crimes. But not sex crimes. What do you think I am, a criminal

I just coped with the news by listening to jazz and doing a fuck ton of D&D work and now I'm going to unwind by watching the most brainless thing I can get my hands on.