The Montergays are conspiring to be a plot point in the next season of Big Little Lies

I’m drinking champagne with a straw

Being a ho is expensive

In Monterey, CA, anything is possible.

If you text me that you have a question to ask me instead of just asking the question I will destroy you

The only place I can smoke a joint is on the street so I might be the neighborhood tweaker

I can improvise a staff meeting like nobody’s business

I made it to 36 before being invited to my first wedding or baby shower

Opulence is a drug!

I’m incapable of doing only one thing at a time

I always buy Prosecco by the case

Shelby and I love to spread gossip about all our neighbors

I’m afraid my days of being punctual are long behind me

I’d be so much more productive if boys didn’t exist

Costco sells calzones in their food court now so that’s how I’m spending my Friday night

If you don’t unpack the trips not over

Halloween costumes always intimidate me because I have to pull off both a Normie look and a slutty look for gay Halloween

Every day I get gayer and gayer and get closer to reaching my full potential

My best advice for networking is to be gay

The Montergays show up in crocks and sweats and dominate the dance floor

Real Zynners know how to rip the lid off a canister with great finesse

I’m back in my bachelor era

When someone grabs my ass at the club

Ok my entire personality is now being a golf caddy

I’m straight again

I like to dress masc and then douse myself in glitter

I am on Zyn and it’s awesome.

You damn Leos have got all of my heart strings

We love spreading neighborhood gossip via our mail carriers

I love wasting a scammer’s time by playing along with their absurdity

U ever feel like this

Someone come visit me so I have something to plan plz

The West Coast does not understand the concept of a Margarita pitcher

How tf do people live their life without some sort of day bag/pack/purse? Where do you put all your shit?

I love talking gear

Like ok

I love to see the downfall of an evil local business owner

Witham Sours, straight from the creator

Oh Marley my Marley

We don’t pay covers we buy tickets

If you don’t like to dance please unfollow

Everyone come take a sabbatical with me plz

I’m reviving my home bar after a 4 year hiatus

I get a goodie bag of free weed every month from the dispensary here’s this months haul

I’m ready for my sugar baby era

My GayDHD kicked in and I walked into the Hostel holding a bottle of lube and poppers and chatted with a couple of people not realizing what I was carrying 🤷‍♀️💅

Queer community is very important. So is making out

When my energy is fully authentic I pop a Zyn and create the vibe

I’m the kind of boss that encourages my young staff to absolutely hook up with the MILF they met at the bar then start their shift