"Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing."

Seersucker pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a mint julep Swim trunks: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a margarita Thrasher sweatpants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a vape pen

These are all so damn good @wendiaarons.bsky.social "Josh Mandler, who was tasked with chasing a bat out of the garage, even though he has zero wildlife-wrangling experience and was just as freaked out as everyone else."

Unsung Heroes of Fatherhood @mcsweeneys.net

"Alice Chambers, who, after three vaginal births, can no longer hiccup without wetting her pants, and who will be honored for her sacrifice with eggs Benedict and a necklace made from rigatoni."

Today I went on a guided hike at a gorgeous nature preserve as my Mother's Day activity with my son, but there was a "guy that thinks he's hilarious" with the group and seriously, CAN WE JUST HAVE ONE DAY?

Dr Who (Jodie Whitaker) read my Always letter in Benedict Cumberbatch's show!

Is the 2 week ceasefire just so he makes sure he gets our tax payments?

This is less Bay of Pigs and more Bray of Pig.

At this point, we have a better chance of being saved by Austin Powers than the US Congress.

I miss the days when his tweets were more "haha a chimp found a typewriter" and less "the syphillis brain worms demand armageddon."

"If you worked at Walter Reed, would you tell someone what was going on with the president?" I used to call my mom from the walk in freezer at my grocery store job to tell her what the neighbors were buying.

Airline Pilot: "Yes, I know you thought we were flying to California, but New Mexico is about 80% of the way so I’m stopping here. Have fun in Albuquerque, everyone!” @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...

Can't we just deploy the cosplaying patriots that play war in the forest every weekend they don't have court supervised time with their kids?

Do I still write US Treasury on my tax payment check or should I just cut out the middle man and write To Donald with Hate?

Pam Bondi would have dumped the bucket of blood on Carrie.

Are the Razzie awards for the worst in film still around? This might be the year to bring them back.

I wrote this for those of us who've told a loved one to get down from a ladder, and those of us who will soon be told to get down from a ladder by our children. Stay safe, people.

Unsung Heroes of Motherhood www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/uns...

He seriously has no idea how numbers work and just screams high or low amounts like he's on The Dementia Price Is Right.

Yep. @wendiaarons.bsky.social. Hilarious. Long live Thelma and Louise. @texashighways.bsky.social texashighways.com/travel/seein...

“While he watched over FaceTime, I slowly poured liquid Tylenol all over my naked body. I loved him enough to make myself autistic. He wept.”

I can’t unsee it 😫

“Our union represented the endless cycle of life, death, and rebirth, and the eternal, unending nature of time. Sometimes I didn’t know where the worm ended, and our love began.”

Olivia Nuzzi’s memoir about her affair with “The Politician” aka RFK, Jr. drops tomorrow, but if you just can’t wait, Emily Flake, @miriamjayaratna.bsky.social & I have some excerpts to tide you over on @mcsweeneys.net!

Over the river and through the woods My checked bag has disappeared It has all my meds. I wish I were dead When did flying get so weird?

"In my tunic, you can’t see any of the middle part of my middle-aged body. I’m shrouded in mystery. I’m a stylish enigma. I’m a greying fortune cookie with a fortune inside it that says, 'Fuck you, I was in shape in the eighties.'"

🎶 Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow... 🎶

A fun piece in @newyorker.com today by me, @miriamjayaratna.bsky.social and Ali Fitzgerald, inspired by Ronnie No Vaccines DeSantis. www.newyorker.com/magazine/202...

Now the nuts are claiming that "college radicalized" the shooter? He lasted one semester in Utah & dropped out -- not exactly Berkeley in 1967.

Honestly, we should all be kinder. Perhaps his ear injury is acting up after it regenerated itself lizard-style, or he suddenly developed an allergy to the ketchup used in the assassination attempt. Show some compassion, people.

Their attacks up your legs are so meticulously coordinated you almost have to respect it. 🐜

I got a mention in this excellent piece by @wendiaarons.bsky.social 📣🐜📣 www.texasmonthly.com/travel/why-f...

Walking out isn't a weakness. It's the only way to stop a rigged game when the dealer is cheating. If you can’t speak for your community inside the chamber, you take the fight outside it. stopthetexassteal.com #WeStandWithTxDems #TxLege

I’m on @mcsweeneys.net today with some ideas about how to get a good night’s sleep! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...

"Millennials want their kids to relive their 1990s summers, but that won’t cut it, because the 1990s had technology, stranger danger, and Coolio. No, I want to go back even farther, to a decade when parents didn’t put trackers on their children’s phones and women couldn’t vote."

"Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college."

"At daybreak, I’ll hand my children their metal lunch pails, button their fifty-button shoes, and they’ll shuffle off to their factory jobs, because in the Gilded Age, and southern states in the 2020s, no snowflake child labor laws exist."

The third book will open some eyes for sure.

Excellent parenting advice from @wendiaarons.bsky.social!

"Just like the 1890s and the 2020s, they’ll play with the unvaccinated kids down the street and drink raw milk until dark. Then at daybreak, I’ll hand my children their metal lunch pails, button their fifty-button shoes, and they’ll shuffle off to their factory jobs."

A new one from me today on @mcsweeneys.net!

Remember when they tried to convince us that Melania got an Einstein visa because she has "an architecture degree"?

Has Andy Byron been named head of NASA yet?

I've never had an affair, but aren't they typically held in a motel off the interstate? I didn't know they involved TICKETMASTER.

I wish they'd show a photo of who Bezos and Fish Lips keep waving at in Venice because I imagine it's 200 Italians giving them the finger.

For those of you just joining us, welcome.

“You will receive money from an unexpected fraud.”

"Interrupt others with your more important ideas."