Wendi Aarons
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
š¤ 4232
š„ 201
š 58
Humor writer. Austin.
reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
6 days ago
"Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing."
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Unsung Heroes of Fatherhood
āBrandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing.ā
https://buff.ly/IAnwmmM
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
5 days ago
Seersucker pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a mint julep Swim trunks: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a margarita Thrasher sweatpants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a vape pen
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Dads of America, as Explained by Their Pants
āRelaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone āYello!ā for 40+ years.ā JUne 20 2021 June 19 2022 6/17/23 6/16/24 6/13/25 6/19/26
https://buff.ly/Gc0rosA
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Jen Hamilton
5 days ago
These are all so damn good
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
"Josh Mandler, who was tasked with chasing a bat out of the garage, even though he has zero wildlife-wrangling experience and was just as freaked out as everyone else."
add a skeleton here at some point
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Unsung Heroes of Fatherhood
@mcsweeneys.net
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Unsung Heroes of Fatherhood
āBrandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing.ā
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/unsung-heroes-of-fatherhood
6 days ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
about 2 months ago
"Alice Chambers, who, after three vaginal births, can no longer hiccup without wetting her pants, and who will be honored for her sacrifice with eggs Benedict and a necklace made from rigatoni."
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Unsung Heroes of Motherhood
āAlice Chambers, who, after three vaginal births, can no longer hiccup without wetting her pants, and who will be honored for her sacrifice with eggs Benedic...
https://buff.ly/pcJGNzp
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Today I went on a guided hike at a gorgeous nature preserve as my Mother's Day activity with my son, but there was a "guy that thinks he's hilarious" with the group and seriously, CAN WE JUST HAVE ONE DAY?
about 2 months ago
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Dr Who (Jodie Whitaker) read my Always letter in Benedict Cumberbatch's show!
about 2 months ago
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Is the 2 week ceasefire just so he makes sure he gets our tax payments?
3 months ago
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This is less Bay of Pigs and more Bray of Pig.
3 months ago
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At this point, we have a better chance of being saved by Austin Powers than the US Congress.
3 months ago
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I miss the days when his tweets were more "haha a chimp found a typewriter" and less "the syphillis brain worms demand armageddon."
3 months ago
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"If you worked at Walter Reed, would you tell someone what was going on with the president?" I used to call my mom from the walk in freezer at my grocery store job to tell her what the neighbors were buying.
3 months ago
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Airline Pilot: "Yes, I know you thought we were flying to California, but New Mexico is about 80% of the way so Iām stopping here. Have fun in Albuquerque, everyone!ā
@mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...
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If Women Completed Work Based on Their Percentage of Wages Compared to Men
Surgeon: āListen, if you wanted more than 53% of your gallbladder removed, you should have used a white male doctor, not a Latina doctor. My advice is to pra...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-women-completed-work-based-on-their-percentage-of-wages-compared-to-men
3 months ago
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Can't we just deploy the cosplaying patriots that play war in the forest every weekend they don't have court supervised time with their kids?
4 months ago
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Do I still write US Treasury on my tax payment check or should I just cut out the middle man and write To Donald with Hate?
4 months ago
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Pam Bondi would have dumped the bucket of blood on Carrie.
4 months ago
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Are the Razzie awards for the worst in film still around? This might be the year to bring them back.
5 months ago
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I wrote this for those of us who've told a loved one to get down from a ladder, and those of us who will soon be told to get down from a ladder by our children. Stay safe, people.
add a skeleton here at some point
5 months ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Jessica Francis Kane
6 months ago
Unsung Heroes of Motherhood
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/uns...
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Unsung Heroes of Motherhood
Our 3rd most-read article of 2025. - - -Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor w...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/unsung-heroes-of-motherhood
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He seriously has no idea how numbers work and just screams high or low amounts like he's on The Dementia Price Is Right.
6 months ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Mike Hoinski
7 months ago
Yep.
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
. Hilarious. Long live Thelma and Louise.
@texashighways.bsky.social
texashighways.com/travel/seein...
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Seeing Stars in the Chihuahuan Desert
A first-time camper finds comfort inside a dome beneath the Big Bend sky
https://texashighways.com/travel/seeing-stars-in-the-chihuahuan-desert/
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
7 months ago
āWhile he watched over FaceTime, I slowly poured liquid Tylenol all over my naked body. I loved him enough to make myself autistic. He wept.ā
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More Excerpts from Olivia Nuzziās American Canto
āForget the sex; the real scandal here is the crime against language.ā ā Brian Phillips, The Ringer, on Olivia Nuzziās new memoir, American Canto, ...
https://buff.ly/5VHyTj3
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Little Grey Rabbit
7 months ago
I canāt unsee it š«
add a skeleton here at some point
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
7 months ago
āOur union represented the endless cycle of life, death, and rebirth, and the eternal, unending nature of time. Sometimes I didnāt know where the worm ended, and our love began.ā
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More Excerpts from Olivia Nuzziās American Canto
āForget the sex; the real scandal here is the crime against language.ā ā Brian Phillips, The Ringer, on Olivia Nuzziās new memoir, American Canto, ...
https://buff.ly/JTpirRs
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Olivia Nuzziās memoir about her affair with āThe Politicianā aka RFK, Jr. drops tomorrow, but if you just canāt wait, Emily Flake,
@miriamjayaratna.bsky.social
& I have some excerpts to tide you over on
@mcsweeneys.net
!
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More Excerpts from Olivia Nuzziās American Canto
āForget the sex; the real scandal here is the crime against language.ā ā Brian Phillips, The Ringer, on Olivia Nuzziās new memoir, American Canto, ...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/more-excerpts-from-olivia-nuzzis-american-canto
7 months ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
7 months ago
Over the river and through the woods My checked bag has disappeared It has all my meds. I wish I were dead When did flying get so weird?
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To Grandmotherās House We Go
Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmotherās house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow. Ov...
https://buff.ly/0W2Ccbx
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
7 months ago
"In my tunic, you canāt see any of the middle part of my middle-aged body. Iām shrouded in mystery. Iām a stylish enigma. Iām a greying fortune cookie with a fortune inside it that says, 'Fuck you, I was in shape in the eighties.'"
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Iām Wearing Tunics Now
This is an excerpt from the authorās funny new collection, which you can buy here. - - -Youāve probably all noticed that I recently switched up my ...
https://buff.ly/oOoALiW
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
7 months ago
š¶ Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow... š¶
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To Grandmotherās House We Go
Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmotherās house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow. Ov...
https://buff.ly/0W2Ccbx
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A fun piece in
@newyorker.com
today by me,
@miriamjayaratna.bsky.social
and Ali Fitzgerald, inspired by Ronnie No Vaccines DeSantis.
www.newyorker.com/magazine/202...
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Disney Worldās New Rides Are Sick
Make sure to wash your hands after Viruses of the Caribbean.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2025/10/06/disney-worlds-new-rides-are-sick
9 months ago
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Now the nuts are claiming that "college radicalized" the shooter? He lasted one semester in Utah & dropped out -- not exactly Berkeley in 1967.
9 months ago
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Honestly, we should all be kinder. Perhaps his ear injury is acting up after it regenerated itself lizard-style, or he suddenly developed an allergy to the ketchup used in the assassination attempt. Show some compassion, people.
10 months ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
10 months ago
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Texas Monthly
11 months ago
Their attacks up your legs are so meticulously coordinated you almost have to respect it. š
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If Thereās One Carpetbagger All Texans Can Agree On, Itās the Fire Ant
Why the insect is even more evil than you thought.
https://www.texasmonthly.com/travel/why-fire-ants-are-worse-than-you-thought/
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Pamela
11 months ago
I got a mention in this excellent piece by
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
š£šš£
www.texasmonthly.com/travel/why-f...
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
MothersAgainstGregAbbott
11 months ago
Walking out isn't a weakness. It's the only way to stop a rigged game when the dealer is cheating. If you canāt speak for your community inside the chamber, you take the fight outside it.
stopthetexassteal.com
#WeStandWithTxDems
#TxLege
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Miriam Jayaratna
11 months ago
Iām on
@mcsweeneys.net
today with some ideas about how to get a good nightās sleep!
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
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How I Think a King-Sized Bed Would Transform My Love Life
My husband and I gaze at each other while we brush our teeth, savoring these final moments together before we go our separate ways. I kiss him good...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-i-think-a-king-sized-bed-would-transform-my-love-life
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
11 months ago
"Millennials want their kids to relive their 1990s summers, but that wonāt cut it, because the 1990s had technology, stranger danger, and Coolio. No, I want to go back even farther, to a decade when parents didnāt put trackers on their childrenās phones and women couldnāt vote."
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Iām Giving My Kids a ā90s Summerāthe 1890s
This summer, Iām letting my kids be kids. No camps or enriching activities thatāll get them into an Ivy in ten years. No screen time or YouTube or ...
https://buff.ly/IVwxP1J
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
11 months ago
"Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college."
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How Gen X Can Make Money in This Economy
Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - - Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - - Social media influencer...
https://buff.ly/k2UwlJM
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
11 months ago
"At daybreak, Iāll hand my children their metal lunch pails, button their fifty-button shoes, and theyāll shuffle off to their factory jobs, because in the Gilded Age, and southern states in the 2020s, no snowflake child labor laws exist."
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Iām Giving My Kids a ā90s Summerāthe 1890s
This summer, Iām letting my kids be kids. No camps or enriching activities thatāll get them into an Ivy in ten years. No screen time or YouTube or ...
https://buff.ly/IVwxP1J
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
11 months ago
The third book will open some eyes for sure.
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The Six Books Donald Trump Is Reading This Summer
Yep.
https://buff.ly/zgrwN52
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
Miriam Jayaratna
11 months ago
Excellent parenting advice from
@wendiaarons.bsky.social
!
add a skeleton here at some point
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
11 months ago
"Just like the 1890s and the 2020s, theyāll play with the unvaccinated kids down the street and drink raw milk until dark. Then at daybreak, Iāll hand my children their metal lunch pails, button their fifty-button shoes, and theyāll shuffle off to their factory jobs."
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Iām Giving My Kids a ā90s Summerāthe 1890s
This summer, Iām letting my kids be kids. No camps or enriching activities thatāll get them into an Ivy in ten years. No screen time or YouTube or ...
https://buff.ly/598TrwW
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A new one from me today on
@mcsweeneys.net
!
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Iām Giving My Kids a ā90s Summerāthe 1890s
This summer, Iām letting my kids be kids. No camps or enriching activities thatāll get them into an Ivy in ten years. No screen time or YouTube or ...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-giving-my-kids-a-90s-summer-the-1890s
11 months ago
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Remember when they tried to convince us that Melania got an Einstein visa because she has "an architecture degree"?
11 months ago
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Has Andy Byron been named head of NASA yet?
11 months ago
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I've never had an affair, but aren't they typically held in a motel off the interstate? I didn't know they involved TICKETMASTER.
11 months ago
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I wish they'd show a photo of who Bezos and Fish Lips keep waving at in Venice because I imagine it's 200 Italians giving them the finger.
12 months ago
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For those of you just joining us, welcome.
about 1 year ago
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
about 1 year ago
āYou will receive money from an unexpected fraud.ā
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Fortune 500 Cookies
Fortune 500 Cookies
https://buff.ly/c4lAAS5
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reposted by
Wendi Aarons
McSweeney's
about 1 year ago
"Interrupt others with your more important ideas."
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Fortune 500 Cookies
Fortune 500 Cookies
https://buff.ly/so9wxBe
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