I was today years old when I found out I’ve been retired for 20 years #TIL Am I the asshole for being today years old?

I love my husband!!!!

Wife is life

We’re the most married couple on earth

I just got married to my wife

The World’s Most Hydrated Girl

Someone ran through the most disgusting puddle anyone’s ever seen and now the back of my jeans are covered in mud that won’t come off. No one in this world has it harder than me right now

The Bluesky moderation team hates when a beautiful woman speaks her mind

Nose rub trance #NoseRubTrance

📸 @jaynooch.bsky.social all rights reserved

@jaynooch.bsky.social got Perkeo on round 1 and everyone went crazy

I need rehab for my balatro addiction

Bros at a gas station 🤣

The best part of my commute is when I get to go down the escalator in port authority that always smells like burger king French toast sticks ❤️

My aunt sent me this the other day and it’s honestly kind of fucked up how cute I was as a baby

Urgent request: how are you all pronouncing balatro?

Who is that stunning woman in the photo….

I love when a tv show ends an episode with “to be continued…” in the middle of the season like holy shit!! I wasn’t expecting this to continue

Coworker has been chewing gum with her mouth open for 3 hours now i don’t deserve this

ONLINE: Mr. Crap? You think I should be peeing my pants about a death threat from some nobody with a cartoon avatar named "Mr. Crap"? AT HOME: (dropping spinning mug of heavily marshmallowed hot cocoa in slow motion as I turn on the hallway light to reveal the nude and towering figure of Mr. Crap)

Happy birthday to my partner in life and darts @aniceburrito.bsky.social I love you!!!!!

I am pro congestion pricing but this difference is mostly because it’s the first Monday after the new year and it’s snowing out. I don’t think we’ll see any actual effects until we get into the real year (first week of the year is a fake week)

Now listening👂

Pizza beans coursing through my veins

Pizza beans 🙂‍↕️

Luke Littler has defeated Michael van Gerwen 7-3 at Alexandra Palace, London, to win his first PDC World Darts Championship title 🎯 He is 17 years old. 🔗: www.nytimes.com/athletic/603...

Is everyone excited for the dart world championship finals??

If you’re not darting you’re not paying attention

If you’re not playing darts you’re not living

When a human makes a bunch of little noises I turn bright red and steam starts coming out of my ears. But when a cat makes a bunch of little noises? I start to believe in a loving god

Huge day for people who love lazing about

The woman I cover for called out today before I could so now I have to do her job and mine while I shit myself to death 👍 happy new year everyone

They’re saying I just had the best balatro run the world has ever seen

Hi, Billy Joel here

I’m Billy Joel

Caught a stomach virus, pretty sure I’m dying. Please tell your children about me

Very helpful thank you

Oh to be a little cat watching the snow fall on Christmas Eve…

I love going through mikes replies like they’re my own

Coworkers shouldn’t be allowed to laugh. What the fuck is so funny

My coworkers are so lucky to have me

Drone sighting in the living room

They should make an album about breakfast in America

My wife told me I’m the only one she’s been with. She said the rest were 10s

I have so much work to do but I’ve made the brave decision to do nothing instead

When Santa looks sexy that’s a sleigh

Why the hell is Eric Adams there

My boss is addicted to asking me to do things. Get a life

that password does not meet our length and complexity requirements, playboy