(trying to flirt): yeah? well i’ll take off that bible belt and beat ur ass

Breakup diaries: made him call me daddy in front of his friend in our BUSINESS DEAL for him to pay me back for items left at the house. You bet your bottom dollar I DEATH GRIPPED that mf handshake #callherdaddy

Rare ick #257: Guys who are obsessed with making Yelp reviews and get the high scores on there or whatever. However, it’s silly and fun if women do it!

what radicalized me into a powerful evil hilariously intimidating feminist dragon? simple! I was raised evangelical, got abandonment wounds, and repeated the cycle of proving my lovability to the worst people on planet earth until my spirit team SMACKED some damn sense into me !!! now I’m a menace😍

“Open wide. Lemme see that amygdala”

Don’t worry about your breakup, babe! Just manifest his baldness to speed up and bring on his own downfall like a self fulfilling prophecy on all of your beautiful cylinders 🥰🥰🥰

Does anyone else go all out for their dogs bday or are u normal

How is my baby bear 8 years old!? #samoyed #BaileyBear

Breakup tip: make ur ex call you daddy in front of his friends (he’s crashing out because you blocked him lol)

If you think I’m crazy now just imagine me without my Wellbutrin + Lexapro morning cocktail

I have been charged in a federal indictment sought by the Department of Justice. This political prosecution is an attack on all of our First Amendment rights. I’m not backing down, and we’re going to win.

✨✨ be the cringe you wish to see in the world ✨✨

Wait can I be the #shadowpresident now??

Humans are, in fact?, 93% banana DNA or something

Can anyone guess what I’m planning to do in Portland for the ongoing protests at the ICE facility

Currently programming a shock collar to create an immersive phone notifications experience #thefutureishere

What’s going to happen to me with all these cookies I’ve just blindly accepted over the course of my life?? Are the cookie cia agents going to come knocking at my door bc I don’t uphold my part of the cookie contract??? What have I been agreeing to!?

Who wants to go out tylenolmaxxing with me? We can show each other our fav vocal stims and the scariest parts of the city (Portland)

Now we’re normalizing the 9-9-6 work week? Bitch, I embody the entire military industrial complex ‼️

How I’ll be pulling up on no kings day in #Portland armed with a microphone and a BAD ATTITUDE 😤😤😤😤😤

And in this video, I convince my dog (Bailey) that her and her best friend (Chomper) are in this weird ass AI video

I loved Radiohead way back when I had a MySpace addiction in like 2005-2010. I sat at the family computer proudly changing my profile song to Bodysnatchers by Radiohead. It’s 2025 and I’m still just as in love with In Rainbows today 🌈

I’m gonna do a daily live stream of the conditions in Portland and call my show the No Spin Zone

Delulu labubu Brain rot is coming for us all (for us all) I’m the internets biggest stinker You’re the rizzler just tryna dim my clout

Fish love me. Men fear my big brain thoughts. Moms also love me

Establish dominance by responding to every man with, “nice try diddy”

If you don’t have a strong opinion on fluoride don’t @ me

A guy responded to a meme instagram reel that I posted to my stories I thought he was maybe being funny and I replied saying I didn’t make it but I also like it (well no duh it was posted to my stories) and he just replied, “Thanks!” I am so unserious and he is SO serious 😭

I’m a funny tshirt haha kind of millennial

I may be cringey but im also free

Hello dating app boys. You thought I brought you here to inquire of why our conversations were abruptly ended with ghosting. WRONG! I brought you to my lair to start a crime fighting pyramid scheme with me and be my cronies. Now let’s go be some boss babes

They giggle because I simp. I haha because i’m um honestly, same

I don’t think the guy I’m dating is ready for my goblin phases. They come and go suddenly and often without warning

💊💊TYLENOL APPRECIATION POST 💊💊

Pokémon isn’t a game or cards or a show. It just is

That moment when you realize that the prosperity gospel churches exist for literal grifters because they hate poor people and don’t want to be asked for help #exvangelical

It’s 12:09 am I left behind ??

My professional athlete intro phrase: “If a thin mints cookie was a person…paaaaige!”

Deleted the dating apps off of my phone. Instant tranquility

Why does every website feel like the internet lite version … but tiktok feels like the whole entire internet ocean ??

being this funny is hilariously HARD WORK I’m developing arthritis in my right thumb and wrist. Help the funny ideas never stop :( I SUFFER FOR THE CRAFT

why do you people (speaking directly to my Facebook friends, well, should I say the REMAINING ONES) still keep me around? Do I make you laugh or do I make you cry about how much my jokes make you laugh? Because I can be funnier for you. Anything to please you. Most of the magas unfriended me :(

Does anybody talk about we automatically believe as human beings that if we are fast typers, we automatically decide that they are the most superior smart kind of person ??

Does anybody talk about … the way you blank out words randomly in your mind when you’re midsentence and you suddenly get jealous, Over the fact that other guys are funnier than you, You’re afraid to walk a room to see her laugh, With someone else too?

Does anybody talk about the fact that we all let loose when we’re alone, we make all kinds of weird faces in excitement, And in this moment you realize we all make the same sounds too?

Does anybody talk about the way that saying weird funny shit on the internet is, in fact, an entire person’s personality type, (/me included here/) ??

Does anybody talk about the fact that all people are here for the same human experience but only some of us act like we’re humans ???

if my dumbass ex boyfriend doesn’t wish me a happy mother’s day next year, I’ll be left with no choice but to send goblins after him in the astral realm