I’m constantly reminded of my shortcomings. The news isn’t fake about this headline. I am actually really funny somewhere else (not here yet)

I attended my new company’s annual sales kickoff AKA the one time of year you get to see your colleagues in person. Here’s how I set the tone for 2026 -joked about being home schooled until 6th grade (asked to go to school and got bullied!!!) -being a failed child actor -music degree -Tim and Eric

“ICE agents, get out now because historically, this ends with you hanging from a lamppost and your body paraded through the streets.” - the …we rate dogs guy

I know to be the good guy in this life u need to go through a lot of trauma and character building origin stories but DAMN!

Today I gave my dog a totinos pizza roll and told her this is what Italy is all about

just landed in ATL and the pilot said “alright get out” 10/10, no notes

Hey, this is my first time on earth and I gotta say I’m doing a really good job

Someone will write an article about me someday that will allude to the fact that I’m somewhat of the new leftist Brittney Broski (except I don’t ditch my friends)

In 2025 I learned what chimichurri is and for that I’m thankful

bringing Oreos to the function is brat

five first date questions to get any man to fall for you (tried and true examples !!!) 1. Have you looked up your criminal background history lately? 2. Have you ever broken a chair by sitting in one?

OVERHEARD IN PORTLAND: “my mental health hurts!!!!!”

Facebook: so do you want to add this stranger now? They just added 9+ friends yesterday! TikTok: so do you want to delete this app now? These people from hs stalked your profile religiously! Spotify: so do you want to feel worse? Here are your top 5 songs and they’re all embarrassing!

I’m so glad you met me after my many awkward years of bullying and going through bizarre dramas that aren’t even WORTH explaining

Being a woman is being home with just your dog and you’re chillin in bed and not checking if you dropped chocolate ice cream on yourself

OVERHEARD in PORTLAND: “yeahhh…he’s not really welcomed in the magic community”

Womanhood includes the life experience of sitting next to your new munch as he snores away while plucking a chin hair and plotting secret plans

App games make me feel like a fucking genius

(trying to flirt): yeah? well i’ll take off that bible belt and beat ur ass

Breakup diaries: made him call me daddy in front of his friend in our BUSINESS DEAL for him to pay me back for items left at the house. You bet your bottom dollar I DEATH GRIPPED that mf handshake #callherdaddy

Rare ick #257: Guys who are obsessed with making Yelp reviews and get the high scores on there or whatever. However, it’s silly and fun if women do it!

what radicalized me into a powerful evil hilariously intimidating feminist dragon? simple! I was raised evangelical, got abandonment wounds, and repeated the cycle of proving my lovability to the worst people on planet earth until my spirit team SMACKED some damn sense into me !!! now I’m a menace😍

“Open wide. Lemme see that amygdala”

Don’t worry about your breakup, babe! Just manifest his baldness to speed up and bring on his own downfall like a self fulfilling prophecy on all of your beautiful cylinders 🥰🥰🥰

Does anyone else go all out for their dogs bday or are u normal

How is my baby bear 8 years old!? #samoyed #BaileyBear

Breakup tip: make ur ex call you daddy in front of his friends (he’s crashing out because you blocked him lol)

If you think I’m crazy now just imagine me without my Wellbutrin + Lexapro morning cocktail

I have been charged in a federal indictment sought by the Department of Justice. This political prosecution is an attack on all of our First Amendment rights. I’m not backing down, and we’re going to win.

✨✨ be the cringe you wish to see in the world ✨✨

Wait can I be the #shadowpresident now??

Humans are, in fact?, 93% banana DNA or something

Can anyone guess what I’m planning to do in Portland for the ongoing protests at the ICE facility

Currently programming a shock collar to create an immersive phone notifications experience #thefutureishere

What’s going to happen to me with all these cookies I’ve just blindly accepted over the course of my life?? Are the cookie cia agents going to come knocking at my door bc I don’t uphold my part of the cookie contract??? What have I been agreeing to!?

Who wants to go out tylenolmaxxing with me? We can show each other our fav vocal stims and the scariest parts of the city (Portland)

Now we’re normalizing the 9-9-6 work week? Bitch, I embody the entire military industrial complex ‼️

How I’ll be pulling up on no kings day in #Portland armed with a microphone and a BAD ATTITUDE 😤😤😤😤😤

And in this video, I convince my dog (Bailey) that her and her best friend (Chomper) are in this weird ass AI video

I loved Radiohead way back when I had a MySpace addiction in like 2005-2010. I sat at the family computer proudly changing my profile song to Bodysnatchers by Radiohead. It’s 2025 and I’m still just as in love with In Rainbows today 🌈

I’m gonna do a daily live stream of the conditions in Portland and call my show the No Spin Zone

Delulu labubu Brain rot is coming for us all (for us all) I’m the internets biggest stinker You’re the rizzler just tryna dim my clout

Fish love me. Men fear my big brain thoughts. Moms also love me

Establish dominance by responding to every man with, “nice try diddy”

If you don’t have a strong opinion on fluoride don’t @ me

A guy responded to a meme instagram reel that I posted to my stories I thought he was maybe being funny and I replied saying I didn’t make it but I also like it (well no duh it was posted to my stories) and he just replied, “Thanks!” I am so unserious and he is SO serious 😭

I’m a funny tshirt haha kind of millennial

I may be cringey but im also free

Hello dating app boys. You thought I brought you here to inquire of why our conversations were abruptly ended with ghosting. WRONG! I brought you to my lair to start a crime fighting pyramid scheme with me and be my cronies. Now let’s go be some boss babes