Hello dating app boys. You thought I brought you here to inquire of why our conversations were abruptly ended with ghosting. WRONG! I brought you to my lair to start a crime fighting pyramid scheme with me and be my cronies. Now let’s go be some boss babes

They giggle because I simp. I haha because i’m um honestly, same

I don’t think the guy I’m dating is ready for my goblin phases. They come and go suddenly and often without warning

💊💊TYLENOL APPRECIATION POST 💊💊

Pokémon isn’t a game or cards or a show. It just is

That moment when you realize that the prosperity gospel churches exist for literal grifters because they hate poor people and don’t want to be asked for help #exvangelical

It’s 12:09 am I left behind ??

My professional athlete intro phrase: “If a thin mints cookie was a person…paaaaige!”

Deleted the dating apps off of my phone. Instant tranquility

Why does every website feel like the internet lite version … but tiktok feels like the whole entire internet ocean ??

being this funny is hilariously HARD WORK I’m developing arthritis in my right thumb and wrist. Help the funny ideas never stop :( I SUFFER FOR THE CRAFT

When he realizes you’re the first cool person he’s actually wanted to date in his entire life #justinbieber #swag

why do you people (speaking directly to my Facebook friends, well, should I say the REMAINING ONES) still keep me around? Do I make you laugh or do I make you cry about how much my jokes make you laugh? Because I can be funnier for you. Anything to please you. Most of the magas unfriended me :(

Does anybody talk about we automatically believe as human beings that if we are fast typers, we automatically decide that they are the most superior smart kind of person ??

Does anybody talk about … the way you blank out words randomly in your mind when you’re midsentence and you suddenly get jealous, Over the fact that other guys are funnier than you, You’re afraid to walk a room to see her laugh, With someone else too?

Does anybody talk about the fact that we all let loose when we’re alone, we make all kinds of weird faces in excitement, And in this moment you realize we all make the same sounds too?

Does anybody talk about the way that saying weird funny shit on the internet is, in fact, an entire person’s personality type, (/me included here/) ??

Does anybody talk about the fact that all people are here for the same human experience but only some of us act like we’re humans ???

if my dumbass ex boyfriend doesn’t wish me a happy mother’s day next year, I’ll be left with no choice but to send goblins after him in the astral realm

Might get kicked out of the family group chat today

Some of the baby names I love but didn’t use include tinsel, mossy, cajón, steel wool, cannoli, oxy, dynnamite, and sweat home alabama 💖

Anytime the anxiety creeps up on me during the talking stage with a guy, all I have to do is remind myself of the endless anxiety spirals my ex would drag me down with him when my words even slightly tapped his insecurities. Nah, I don’t need a man, I’m good

My Pilates class only made my mood more shit so I’m laying on my bed catatonically listening to Gabby Windey until my soul re-enters my body

Thinkin bout gathering the guys from my roster to make a goon squad. just think of the possibilities… they could be used to fight off ICE raids or planned parenthood protestors or creeps on the corner

Am I even in the right realm???

A thought I just had: the vibes are sus and there’s majority of men here

One of my biggest triggers is driving on the highway and then people put on their stupid four-way flashers when traffic slows down. Is this just a Portland OR thing?

Just realized I’m a one date wonder because all these men are jealous of my lifestyle. I’d rather have one date with a man and leave him in complete disbelief for the rest of his life that a woman like me actually exists

When the sexual dry spell finally ends #wet

Too caught up with falling in love with my life all over again to worry about falling in love

I like getting high and sliding into funny women’s DMs

Chemtrail update from PORTLAND, OREGON ‼️

Not responding to men as an act of self care

Just saw a video of a robot vacuum driving itself out of the house, down there, driveway, and directly into traffic. I’ve never related to AI so much in my life

Things I do instead of texting a guy first: • get my nails done • contemplate world domination • make a sammich • work out the kinks with a foam roller • forest bathe • chase waterfalls

I have to just come out and say it. I’m completely head-over-heels in LOVE love with T-Pain

Life hack: if you fear abandonment just keep getting abandoned nonstop till ya realize it doesn’t give you the big sad anymore (I survived 100x and I’m still here baby)

Men tend to be equally turned on by and annoyed by my snarkiness. Make up ur MINDDDDD

no human person in the history of ever has yelled, “oh the humanity” despite what big TV wants you to believe

We’re not distracted and it’s not going away.

The more insane men think I am, the more powerful I become 🥰

Attention, gamblers! Please don’t hide ham in your pants. A lot of our card dealers are underpaid and underfed.

I’ve been single for 3 months and I’m back on my bullshit of being a diagonal sleeper. Mattress maxxing

(Me laying on the table kicking my feet behind me) Soooo do you wanna go on a second date?

300 FOLLOWER SPECIAL Thank u to all my cult members and cronies I’d be nothing w/o u

Silliness is and has always been my brand and I am the patent holder and CEO

All these TikTok spiritualists are talking about ascending to the fifth dimension together and how each of them will be leading the charge. At firstI was intrigued but now I don’t think I wanna go with them

Who’s a good cult leader to run my pyramid scheme? 🔺 I realized I’m more of a #1 best cult member kind of gal, less of a domineering angry evil short man syndrome David Miscavige kind of guy

The clock just struck 1am, I need to be up in 6 hours, and instead of sleeping I’m thinking about how I started an anarchy club at my small Christian high school. My only other anarchy club member was a guy named John. Hope he’s doing well