I'm gonna suck em off A seven nation army couldn't hold me back They're gonna jerk me off Takin their time right inside my crack And I'm hawkin tuah all damn night Because I can't get wet Jackin off through the night But I can't cum yet And the person cummin in my eyes Says, "your back is blown"

Do I make this my new profile pic?

me when I shitpost at 2am thinking about the cheesecake in my fridge

"The Mandalorian & Grogu" is a terrible movie title

I really want to fuck up the BBQ wrap that's in my fridge, but I would never do that so late in the night. I could... Never isn't the right word, because I could. And I might. And I probably will.

we need more games that allow you to play as chimps, toss raccoons, bash seagulls, & monkey around

liberals when immigrants getting rounded up by gestapo and trans people losing rights weekly and Black women getting purged from the labor pool but talk show man back on air

type of shit I'm on, you wouldn't understand

remember when Ferris Bueller kicked Cameron's dad's car while they were spinning the wheels, & it went flying into those poor women in Ireland?

my family's cat, the one who does the Pixar smirk, likes smacking the phone out of my fucking hands & that's honestly so toxic and he's purring as he does it

You can pick up shit, throw shit, feed shit to a giant serpent, help a man who eats shit, cover yourself in shit, but you yourself cannot eat shit in any #FromSoft game. These games teach you a lesson in suffering & the true challenge presented is simply accepting that desires are inexhaustible.

we have truck-nuts, yes, but no truck-labia?

found these old, shittily photoshopped images I made back in high school

SONIC'S NOT DEAD

You can pick up shit, throw shit, feed shit to a giant serpent, help a man who eats shit, cover yourself in shit, but you yourself cannot eat shit in any #FromSoft game. These games teach you a lesson in suffering & the true challenge presented is simply accepting that desires are inexhaustible.

cheesin' the fuckin' cake right now

*he & VP frotting, but JD is doing all the work because Trump's belly is sooo big & you-know-what is teeny*

*replaces Kimmel with AI Trump full frontal*

all sushi tastes the same to me (which is good)

absolutely goofed off giggle juice, contemplating the sushi in the fridge

caved at the opportunity & snagged my sweet, sweet velo

don't worry, y'all, I'm performing the ritual to resurrect Dark Brandon

Bringing that "will they, wont they" vibe to me and this gun in my mouth.

Mr. Hands:

Trypanohyncha ocellus remains my favorite character in Alien: Earth. She knows Pi, likes to do a little trolling, & has her eye on Boy Kavalier's socket.

I am become insufferable

sounds like my car will finally be drivable in a week or two

Day 2 of no nicotine: I'm nauseous thinking about it, but goddamn does a sweet berry Velo sound fucking awesome right now

It is so fucked up that people celebrated a real American hero getting shot in cold blood for expressing his First Amendment right. May 28th, 2016 will go down as the single saddest day in American history.

The only comment on this sad Snake Plant post besides my own is someone saying this is a palm tree. I'm losing my fucking mind.

Idk what it is about the nicotine pouches, but the initial burning sensation is my favorite part. Like an endorphin rush? we will see how long I go without it though

first female, Republican candidate elected President Rachel Sler

the "Turtle Club" scene in Master of Disguise was filmed on September 11th, 2001, & YES Dana Carvey was in the turtle suit when the cast & crew observed a moment of silence & YES his head retracted into the shell when he first heard

tellin my girl she "got the mama caboose"

thinking Elon Musk is cool is like believing cartoons are real

if a boomer shares a wholesome but clearly AI video of a koala holding a kitten, I think letting them have that is like letting kids have Santa

Taking bets now: Will the garbage collection service pick up our trash or will they forget it for a third week in a row?

you telling me a crab gooned in this rag?

What if they made a movie about King Kong seeing the dentist because he has a toothache, so the dentist is lowered into Kong's mouth? He could be friends with a mute, indigenous child & they could explore Hollow Earth.

Me smugly giving a Xanax to a Chimpanzee: Yeah, unlike you, I would never let a leopard eat my face.

Did somebody say, scrape and lick!

alien earth weapons foreheads🤝

I FOUND IT AGAIN

with the cessation of Monster Energy™ my pineal-gland has re-calcified

y'all ever feel like you're in spectator mode watching yourself

is it normal to be able to whistle with your mouth closed?

WHO THE FUCK LET WENDY NEAR NIBS AFTER THE MIND-WIPE? WTF

I didnt even know Charlie Kirk was sick.

From ‘The Onion’ Editorial Board: It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/

Our garbage pickup service hasn't taken our garbage in 2.5 weeks, despite us calling daily. In fact, they marked it in the system that they did but pile of garbage & rotting chipmunk baking in the sun says otherwise