Medicare for All would save $450B a year. Every dollar spent on food stamps generates $1.50-$1.80 in economic activity. Each dollar going to low-wage workers adds $1.20 to the economy overall. It’s not about what this country can or can’t afford. It’s about priorities.

It’s amazing that after 15 years, the GOP is FINALLY coalescing around a healthcare plan of sorts and it essentially amounts to “fuck it, you do it.”

The Founding Fathers worked to establish a country that would be free of oppression and tyranny. The most patriotic thing we can do this Independence Day is to continue the fight that they started, and make the United States a place that is great for all of its residents and allies.

Not many people know this, but the song 8675309 is actually threatening people who live in the zip code 75309

A tricky thing about modern society is that no one has any idea when they don’t die. Like, the number of lives saved by controlling air pollution in America is probably over 200,000 per year, but the number of people who think their life was saved by controlling air pollution is zero.

Why use tariffs to balance the trade deficit? There's a much simpler solution: switch to a 100% barter economy. If you buy an iphone, you have a $900 trade deficit. But if you trade the 1500 pounds of potatoes you grew in your garden for an iphone, your trade deficit is balanced.

Prediction: Greenland is going to play a major role in World War III.

Please respect my privacy by not reading this post.

This is what a Canadian church pew looks like.

Traveling to Europe with a cat is significantly easier than traveling to the US with an apple. #BasedOnATrueStory

Does this parcel contain anything liquid fragile, perishable, or potentially hazardous? Yes

They're called "skeets"?! Really? As far as I'm concerned, the term "tweet" entered the public domain when Elon decided the company formerly known as Twitter should be called "X". I'm going to continue calling these sort of posts "tweets", regardless of the platform being used.

After exporting all of my tweets, twitter sent me an e-mail telling me they are ready to download. The e-mail contains a link. After clicking the link, I am asked to verify my identity via a code sent by e-mail. It seems like those steps could have been consolidated.

All of my posts before this one were exported from my twitter account. If any of them don't make sense anymore, that must be because the timestamp has been lost. Either that, or they never made sense, which is probably more likely.

Here's a sad statistic: in 2020, guns were the leading cause of death for children and adolescents in the US. https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMc2201761

Today is April Fool's Day. That means if you see a news story today that you don't like, you can safely assume it's a joke.

Spiders have exoskeletons. That means when we see a spider, we're seeing its skeleton! We only think we're afraid of spiders because looking at skeletons is scary.

Creating a new account: requires two-factor-authentication to make the account more secure, a security question to make the account less secure.

I miss the simpler times, when we only had to worry about a global pandemic, and not the Russian army firing on a Ukrainian power plant while a global pandemic is still going on.

Am I doing this right? Wordle 243 6/6 🟩⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜🟩⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜🟩⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Mary is trying to teach her baby jazz hands. The dudes in the back are trying to help, but also unwilling to put their riches down.

It's nice to see that even Christmas decorations are helping to normalize gay relationships.

I had a dream that I got out of bed.

Thank you, Richard Branson, for making space available to all people. Space - that place above the atmosphere, containing literally nothing. That's right, everyone now has equal access to nothing. https://twitter.com/CBSNews/status/1414268009494065159

Me: ... and a Coke Waiter: We don't have Coke. Is Pepsi ok? Me: Sure. Oh, and also, can I get a knife? Waiter: We don't have any knives. Is 10,000 spoons ok?

Words like sand, water, and sheep don't have plural forms because they are considered uncountable. Sheep are an interesting case because they seem like they should be countable, but they have a defense mechanism of making anyone who tries to count them fall asleep.

With mint frosting?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the purpose of a warranty.

Remember when China was in complete lockdown? To maintain their sanity some people did things like running marathons in their living room. Can we do that here please? I will accept lockdown for the greater good. And I won't have to worry about my sanity since I lost it long ago.

I'm pretty sure it would be safer to keep the starship's windows closed. https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1367074939317157888

Pro tip: If you feel the need to remind a reporter that you're the president of the United States, it might be because you're not presidenting very well. https://twitter.com/thehill/status/1332098307796185099

The hero we need...

We really should have put in more effort to branding this as "The Trump Virus" https://twitter.com/PhilipRucker/status/1321122599137628167

Anyone who says they want to "Make America Great Again" is implicitly stating that America was better before Trump was president.

For the presidential debate of 1960, Nixon was in Los Angeles and Kennedy was in New York. That was 60 years ago. Why can't we do something like that now?

Someone commented that flavored yogurts have so much sugar that you might as well be eating ice cream for breakfast. This led me to discover that granola is actually a great ice cream topping.

If someone says "I'm not a doctor, but...", you know they're about to give you medical advice. If someone says "I'm not a racist, but...", they're probably going to give you racist advice.

To everyone protesting, in any capacity, I would like to say something to you that I have never said to a member of a military or police force: Thank you for your service.

Just a reminder, the original expression went along the lines "A bad apple spoils the bin." If the bad apples aren't promptly removed, more will quickly begin to spoil. https://www.npr.org/2011/05/09/136017612/bad-apple-proverbs-theres-one-in-every-bunch

I was really hoping for a tool I could use now.

I've never had one of those dreams where you're back in school and have to take a test you didn't study for. Last night, however, I dreamed I was back in school and that I'd forgotten to bring a mask.

Invention idea: a microwave that sends your heated food back in time to just before you realized it needed to be heated.

I often watch youtube videos at 1.5x speed. This allows me to waste an entire hour of time in just 40 minutes.

It's not uncommon for a person to die from natural causes, but I wonder what the alternative is. Do many people die of supernatural causes?

After the pandemic, people remained afraid to touch elevator buttons and doorknobs. This is why all the doors in Star Trek are automatic.

Thanks to the Corona lockdown, I've learned that I don't have to pay someone to cut my hair - I can do a great job myself for free. Ok, I may not look as good now as I did in my profile picture, but it's still not bad.

Ordinarily, being stuck at home, and forced to skip a vacation would be something to complain about. But compared to many, my situation is just a minor inconvenience. This sucks! I want to complain without sounding like a wuss, but I can't. This is totally unfair.

The very first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comic appeared in 1984. That means by now, the turtles are at minimum 46 years old.

The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV show ran from 1987-1996. Assuming the turtles were 13 at the start, they would have been 22 at the end -- most definitely not teenage anymore. I hope someone got fired for that oversight.

Work-from-home confession: During today's stand-up meeting, I was sitting down the entire time.