My brother in law has eaten 644 hot dogs this year

"You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?" is the "what's the deal with airplane food?" of 30 somethings with forearm tattoos and college degrees in fields they don't work in

Crazy how you can ignore grammar a good bit in poetry. Toss a few words and phrases in places where only a stroke survivor would otherwise

Ever since I was young I've always dreamt of taking 3-5 non fda approved supplements a day

Patiently waiting in my parking spot for my engine to warm up like a responsible 25 year old truck owner

This is how it feels

I know most people by their pfp so when someone changes it I get confused and angry at my phone for showing me strangers

Ants are like bees but more humble and homely. Prime servants of God, really

Scientists are at odds arguing whether there's a hypothetical limit to how big a cabbage can get. This picture may just change some perspectives

At the end of the day I've never been able to make sense of a situation and I know that one day I'm going to lose everything that I ever had

You can really get a glance into someone's self image by looking at the dnd characters they make

Been doing judo for a bit now and most of what I've gotten out of it is my body constantly hurting and the fear that anyone on the street can secretly beat the shit out of me

Memorizing all the eye spy answers and pointing them out immediately during one on one time with my esl 2nd grader. After 7 pages of straight Ls he started crying, begging me to let him have a turn but I told him it's an effort thing

Man, I was so focused on that deer that I couldn't tell you whether I was chasing it through a mountain or a plain

They're coming after me. They're concealing themselves in bushes, cabinets, grocery store shelving, etc well enough that the average man wouldn't notice them, but I'm better than that

every american child should be given a bugle at birth with a natural harmonic of random pitch, the frequency of which determines myriad practical and legal elements of your life

What's going on here?

Hand warmers are a top 100 invention to me

Many people don't realize just how few varieties of rock there are. A few hundred tops. Pathetic numbers compared to, say, the number of distinct beetle species

The sun is so bright. So bright you can't even look at it directly. And this is supposed to be taken as a simple fact of life

It felt like some sort of violation of trust when I figured out the space beneath a car seat is empty

Had a dream last night that I drank one billion beers then crashed my car and when I got to heaven God told me that my blood alcohol content was 1

Snoopy is making ramen for dinner and you're all invited

They invented the tastiest drink in the world now it's sold out everywhere and they're taking it away forever

You ever look at an overly specialized species and just know they don't stand a chance at rebounding after the next mass extinction?

Went hiking with some coworkers and my newish gf and it was very fun. People can be so diverse in their ways of thought

I'm happy to reduce my water usage for the environments sake, but I do enjoy washing my hands at a sink that flows at 10 liters a minute

I still vividly remember a nightmare I had when I was 5

Marrying your cousin being weird gets talked about a lot, but what's it like from the grandparents perspective? My grandkids marrying each other has to make you feel strange right?

My most boomer opinion is that it's disrespectful not to take out your earbuds when you're talking to someone

My cat has been diagnosed with feline schizophrenia

Real snoozers sleep inside the mattress.

I wish I had a stall around the toilet in my house

I feel god in this tidal pool

Pedestrians are helpless against my ultimate finishing move: TWO HANDED SWORD STYLE!! MOBILE PHONE AND STEERING WHEEL

We all got that one homie who's development tank got jostled a little too hard on the way to embryonic storage. Love him though

You ever look at someone and can just tell the titration in their development tube was way off?

Now that I've allied myself with the family of crows nearest my apartment, it seems that the family of crows nearest my workplace is increasingly less tolerant of my presence

My neighbors flock of pigeons is being controlled by some sort of hive mind. My neighbor may be as well, but the police refuse to investigate

There should be a word like noisy but for what you're seeing

Why is every running show named some shit like "phantom lite 15"?

I hate the sea.

[blindfolded in a government bunker, licking another rock]: river stone, salt and pepper granite , sourced from the colorado river [man in a lab coat behind a one-way mirror, writing on a clipboard]: amazing. that makes 34 incorrect guesses in a row now

The omens of the sea aren't to be taken lightly, playboy

im a “wrong generation” kinda guy but for the late pleistocene

could see myself enjoying slashing tires

i don't like the metric system. it doesn't feel human

I always thought the handles on mugs were a little excessive, but then I used a mug without a handle and realized how wrong I was

No one has ever been born on September 17th

I wish I could get a few days worth of sleep in in one go