Crazy how water is good at every temperature. What other drink can say that?

I've got a wooden bat and I'm going absolutely ham on this brick house

there's too much self care going on right now. some of you need to suffer

if i lived in rural southern china 1600 years ago i'd be getting monkeys drunk as hell every opportunity presented

Finally passed the driving test on my 4th try. Of the 42 people who took it only me and one other dude passed and it was his 5th go

The president should be able to make people honorary white boys. First on the list ought to be Will Smith, followed by Amelia Earhart

The 5k is gods distance. Every other distance to run has some glaring issue, but the 5k is perfect in every way

We need more denim bucket hat representation in media

Politicians the world over are amazed by how much water I can drink in one go. The UN is discussing whether legislation ought to be written about it

A 4th grader approached me today, completely unprovoked, and put me into a full nelson. Some of his accomplices swarmed me from the shadows and proceeded to loudly slap my torso in every way imaginable, laughing and calling me names throughout. I fell to my knees weeping and the heathens escaped

I have devoted the best years of my life, hours upon hours of tireless work, to restoring the Canadian monarchy

Lentil soup for dinner. Sometimes you gotta put the pop away and play the hits

This has to feel so good if you're a pillow

The Amish were put on this earth by the Lord to safeguard the secrets of pollen immunity and whittling techniques

CS Lewis is a generational white boy to me

Just donated blood. I hope they give it to someone whose unbelievably evil

The president has ordered Koko the gorilla's grave to be sealed with concrete and guarded 24/7 for a continuous 50 years after her death

Not too often you get to see a storm brewin on the horizon. Gotta cherish those moments for what they're worth

We should be painting frescos on the ceilings of those gas station pump coverings

The US is implementing a new method of execution in which they strap you to a chair and ram you full speed with a 2007 ford freestyle

Get a load of this guy

every time i feel anxious and unsettled i just try to remember that beneath the earth lies an immense stone labyrinth that awaits us with the patience of a hunter

we should start hanging people again

they should bring bakc dying of consumption in your 40s

Bought a used book and a receipt from almost exactly 35 years ago fell out of it

Finally the time of year when i come bakc from work and my apartment is one gajillion degrees

Not enough whales in my day to day life. Gotta up the number of thoughts I have of whales by at least 5x

Being able to buy a mango in February is spiritually ugly

The man doesn't want you to know that fruits are best enjoyed seasonally

Suppin on a cold super bikkle

Spraying wd40 on her pussy

Palm-sized spider came out from under the toilet paper holder. Only thing that could come out of my mouth was "that's a huge spider"

So humid out that everything is constantly damp. Hardly even raining. It's just wet

this is my son swagbert

Experts are calling it "the summer of hacky sack"

Rainy reason has to go so hard if you're a slug or a particularly thirsty plant

Not a big fan of the passive voice. Gotta take some responsibility ya know?

Firing off a few rounds into the air in the nursing home to test which 80 year olds really have hearing loss and who's just faking it for attention

just found out ezra pound was a nazi. no clue how i got this far without finding that out

A gajillion is the highest number I can think of

My boss exhibits many of the same behaviors as a bear preparing for hibernation

Spraying my boss with bear spray because I'm suspicious he might be a bear

Eating plain tofu for breakfast. Who even cares anymore ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

i fuck so hard with bananas

Drunk as hell in the Costco food court at 3:30 pm. Every 100% pork hotdog in a 45 foot radius is quaking in its boots

Starkly American looking toilet

Yet another hot dog in the books

Dudes be pissing hard as hell trying to get that laminar flow going. Brother you gotta relax. That's the kinda thing you gotta just let happen

taking the jlpt and the hardest part isnt language comprehension its that i dont agree with the answers

Hate to say it but this kind of advertising works on me. "I mean if snoopy likes this I bet I would too"