a non exhaustive list of custom hats I have ordered: - humans evolved from dogs - my eyes are down here ⬇️ - I know how to read - my hat got shooted off - my other hat is in the sewers - I know the name of everything - I’m reading short poetry in a sleeper’s fashion (in the style of “fish fear me…”)

life is a highway. and I’m going to introduce thoughtful noise reduction barrier improvements, road diets in neighboring suburbs and better regulated traffic flow on frontage roads

why isn’t the fourth movement of dvorak’s new world symphony in everything

me to my guys in my video game when I cast reanimate

it’s nice to look at a resume from six years ago and remember you career climbed. try it out

not helpful

I wish I could use the phrase “I’m having a Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast” without conjuring any blasting imagery

woke up with two slightly stale pieces of bread in my bed

wish there was a game show that was just listing different things. give me prize money for remembering boat words because lord knows my Jeopardy! career is a little further out in the timeline these days

I’m so happy about my friend rashid shaheed

saw my shelf of mass media-sized paperbacks falling over behind my can of truly unruly strawberry and thought “awh they’re a little tipsy too”

I can’t and shouldn’t have a full time job I should be able to just learn about animals all day. did you know there’s a deep sea shrimp that makes it own aluminum armor

images you can hear

eyyyy it's me shit my dad said eyyyy what if uhhh you ever see a dog smoke a cat it's some uhh yeah can't believe my dad said that

some looks I’ve been into recently. watch this space

putting your thumb on the playstation button on a playstation controller and palming the rest. feels very intimate

the duplicates folder is humbling. yes I need four different sizes of the wahoo hell yeah rat. yes I saved a 1 kb smaller version of the same image ten days later

i love you *uses Apple Spatial Scene on your nudes*

they should call them ‘the fondling fathers’ has anyone said that

so I’m at this open mic and this guy says “G spot? what really turns a girl on is a C spot” (like money) and I stood up like the norman rockwell guy and said “no, what really turns women on is a DP spot. a Damp Patch on your shirt from when you’re doing the dishes and lean against the counter!!!”

posting for accountability: I promise I will no longer fish for “haha” reacts by mimicking millennial humor. but also why no “haha” reacts, hmm

too late. I’ve already portrayed you as the sycophantic Ursula K Le Guin and me as the sensible yet busty critic Joyce Carol Oates

in 2017 I used to go to this little italian bakery daily to buy a piece of focaccia and a latte and was obsessed with this buff squirrel drawing that the old man Mr. Pasquale hung up by the register

obsessed with this group of misfit naturalists who took over the Smithsonian Castle during the Civil War. most of them were willowy failsons who refused to learn how to farm and became scientists instead. they would steal eggs from the chicken coop on campus and serenade the professors’ daughters

welcome to the boodie

I have a folder on my phone of images to pull me out of deep depressive loops and they bring me so much joy

this app is good because I can shoot thoughts out into the void and literally no one has to interact

the other day I walked into a random storefront downtown and it ended up being the seattle audubon society and they gave me an impromptu tour and you know what? a highlight of 2026

what position would you have on a ship. and you can’t say boson

welcome back everyone please pick up a pronoun pin at the door

when the seahawks win the super bowl tomorrow it will come to be remembered as the first domino of many that will shepherd us into the gentle arms of Woke 2

turns out it was incredibly fashionable to tie an enormous pad to your lower back and hunch forward in 1815 Paris women’s fashion and they called it the Grecian Bend because sexy lady statues of antiquity were kind of posed like that

how have I not seen a single person mention the enormous dong in the new game of thrones thing

thinking about how a male friend once told me jeans were napkins you can wear

“Are the arts important?” Humanity practiced them long before they had use for science and will practice them long after math is gone. Is the dawn important? Is dusk?

the answer is both when you work for the orchestra

if I was a flower I’d invite all my friends over to hang out near my pollen in my little tulip cup, the kind with frilly petal that the dutch nearly starved for. the vibes would be tight

…does the charlie kirk assassination of today have the cultural sway of yesterday’s archduke franc ferdinand assassination

good morning sports fans

just realized I’m weirdly good at buying gifts for my dad specifically. I may be a 60 year old man in my heart