It's all so pathetic and absurd. Fuck.

I just wanna big fuckin truck with knobby tires I just wanna drive up an impossibly steep logging road I just wanna catch trout and drink cold beer I just wanna be balls deep in a bad bitch

Every man deserves a portable device to cool his balls. Our species cannot know peace until we accomplish this.

I’m fascinated by scammers. Bluesky has many bots trying to wring a quick buck out of thirsty men. I’ve learned that any time a cute Asian woman avatar follows me, I’ll receive a copypasta DM 1-2 days later. This one hasn’t yet, but it will. See alt text for explanation- how I KNOW this is AI.

If only Charlie Kirk were alive right now to tell me what to think about this Trump/Pope beef!!

I FOLLOW EVERYBODY who interacts with me ***except furries*** Sorry. I respect your right to be yourself, I’m just trying to keep furry stuff out of my algorithm.

idk if Pope Leo is gonna get reelected you guys he’s just so weak on crime

I go back in time and meet my 8-year-old self. “Wow, I’m old!” he marvels. “Yes,” I chuckle, “you will live at least 41 years. I have no knowledge beyond that.” “And we cured cancer and live on a space station?” he asks, eyes wide. He is pretty disappointed by my response.

Breaking news: Trump has given Vatican City until 8 pm ET tomorrow to agree to send the Pope to Trump’s birthday party or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

I’m Sam Forstag - I’m a smokejumper, a union leader, and I’m running for Congress because for too long, Montanans have been breaking their backs just to fall further behind. Together, we can build an economy that works for working people. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHia...

Fun fact. There’s plenty of stuff a layperson can do to fuck shit up at a construction site to delay their progress.

Artemis II crew reports being tractor-beamed into an alien ship and meeting “weird fleshlight species” with “goopy, drippy bodies,” and “language of gurgles and fart noises.”

are we gonna talk about them *crazy eyes*?

Breaking news: Trump has given Wall Street until 8 pm ET tomorrow to raise the Dow or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given Sesame Street until 8 pm ET tomorrow to stop teaching children to read or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given the city of Austin until 8 pm ET tomorrow to “stop being weird” or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given Portland until 8 pm ET tomorrow to replace all local government officials with MAGA Republicans or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given Libraries until 8 pm ET tomorrow to ban Trans people or he will launch missiles at The Reading Rainbow.

Breaking news: Trump has given The Gays until 8 pm ET tomorrow to repent and turn straight or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given the United States until 8 pm ET tomorrow to stop investigating his Epstein ties or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

Breaking news: Trump has given the state of Minnesota until 8 pm ET tomorrow to get men out of women’s sports or he will launch missiles at their bridges and electric plants.

POTUS cannot wage war without Congressional approval. He has bypassed this rule by saying this isn’t a war. Now he has declared his intent to wipe out the entire nation of Iran. That’s not just war, that’s genocide. Call your representatives NOW. US Capitol Switchboard: (202) 224-3121

Zombie Jesus emerged from the tomb on this day! Enjoy your traditional meal of brains and entrails!

Everywhere this lady goes, somebody gets murdered.

In light of the conversation about how hard it is to promote your own book: Post a link to buy your book here and I’ll boost it cause you destroyed yourself to get it done, your publisher won’t help you sell it, and you deserve cheers and admiration for your accomplishment.

I got every one of my Reddit accounts permanently banned because I wrote a satirical r4r post titled like “Cute ICE Agent Seeking Casual Sex with Liberal Woman” and described myself as having a tiny penis and enjoying pepper-spraying peaceful liberal men

@crockett.house.gov if you run for Governor of Texas, you will get my vote.

American politics in a nutshell

Kat Abughazaleh-te guey!

Artemis II blasted off today on the first manned mission to the surface of ur anus ayyyy

Next time I’m trip-sitting my bro I’m going to leave the room and come back wearing this:

I made a thing ✨

You’re objectively uncool if you don’t own at least one of these. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

A US House Rep from Texas introduced a bill to eliminate anchor babies the day after Trump was inaugurated. Project 2025 in action. (Don’t come after me for using the term “anchor babies”)

sup dewayne im not gonna be able to make it to work today lost my frikkin sun glasses cant fimd them anywere

You have reached Level 2 Wizard. A new ability is unlocked: Zippo of Confusion (+1 hp) Weapon equipped: Fucked-Up John Wayne Gas Station Imitation Zippo (+0 Charisma)

Chimp’s tricks are hella dope in this one, bro.

Jesus: Let him who has not made love to a couch cast the first stone. JD Vance: *drops rocks* WELP.

Pleading with the Kalshi debt collectors not to cut off my left thumb for borrowing $90K and losing it in a “margin trade” that Nikola Jokic would shart himself at the free throw line by March 25th.

i just got a X File’s tattoo sup lady’s

Gang. GANG. Here's that Ghanian bootleg Cheers artwork you were looking for.

I called this guy out for spamming high-profile accounts. He replies with a word-salad of buzzwords so he appears in searches, adding an out-of-context image or video of himself on horseback. This is spam. This is advertisement for his business. This is narcissism. Report this behavior.

@americanair.bsky.social I specifically requested a water landing and AGAIN was robbed of my 1st amendment right to express myself with the exit slide. Wtf? You want me to switch to @deltaairlines.bsky.social ?? Those freaks will do anything for their passengers.

Adjusted for inflation, the $5 milkshake in Pulp Fiction would cost you over $72,000 today.

lol it was me yolo

If the internet is the automobile, we were born in the converted wagon days. No going back. It’s an automobile world now. Stop lights and shit.

Work trip restaurant search criteria 👉🏻ok for me to arrive looking kinda rough 👉🏻expensive enough to be a lil treat since im not paying 👉🏻cheap enough to not piss off accounting 👉🏻cold beer 👉🏻no clowns i fcukjng hate clowns 👉🏻i swear to god if theirs even one clown there imgonna be soooo mad at u

Getting ready for my upcoming flight

How cool would it be if Trump got convicted of war crimes and they took away his soccer league peace medal, trophy, and diploma.