No more biopics plz, we did everybody

Seize the day! Or is it sieze? Seise? Forget it, goin back to bed

You Can Just Push Shit In Back Seat Out Of Way

I have no problem sending texts at 630am–hey, turn off your notifications or let’s hang out.

A fun @billyhurls.bsky.social piece: Chuck E. Cheese's CISO dishes on what and what does not hold up in the 30-year-old movie Hackers. www.itbrew.com/stories/2025...

Hack the planet! www.itbrew.com/stories/2025...

No one seems to be helping this teenager starting a must-win in Yankee Stadium

When I wish this game started

Crazy that you can just steal a base.

Quest Diagnostics always needs 63 bucks

Dugouts should have an air fryer if everybody’s gonna wear oven mitts

Cade Smith became the closer for the Guardians after he took over for Clase, who-- Sorry, we're interrupting the reason why Cade took over for Clase for this word from FanDuel.

I like that the first-impression rose arrives on a tray like you just got the check at Chili’s.

No show eats its own vom like Big Brother.

The thing about the rapture is if you don’t get picked, you still get a lotta free stuff.

One way to not get me to watch a show: Call it TASK

Big Brother is the only show where no one knows when it’s on. They’re literally like “We’ll let you know, omg, things have been really crazy lately. Can you do 10?”

I have whatever it’s called where you always eat something right after you brush your teeth

Whenever I ruin a rehearsal dinner, I try to remember that it’s just practice

I’ve never won a raffle. What is it like?

Gonna start an Internet that’s just me and a couple other ppl

I’m not very good at basketball but I can def beat any of the ppl playing pickup in prescription-drug commercials.

The Emmys should give an award for Best Show While You Eat That Requires No Brainpower

**lights up a cigar from behind a desk** “How ya doin, kid? The name’s Dean…”

You don’t have to triple-wash my lettuce. Double is fine, I’m pretty chill

Oh, I see it’s time for our yearly wrestling movie of sadness

Me to my wife, Friday night, sung like the Frozen song: 🎵 …Would you like to watch a Shark Taaaaaank 🎵

Kinda like rings on a tree, you can tell how old somebody is by their stack of laptops.

I like to eat a salad in under 25 seconds, in the spirit of “let’s get this sh*t over with”

Skip Intro is the name I use at hotels

How long was I asleep?

Your average radio call-in

An interesting wrinkle in NYC basketball and nowhere else: Sometimes the guy playing in slacks is…good?

Nothing more adult than coming home with a gd baguette

Somebody needs to come in and fix up Gordon Ramsay’s show

Employee discount?

I would do SNL if they started at 930

Nothing wakes me up like a cold brew that I didn’t realize is $7.33.

The precise moment when and where in recent weeks America crossed that invisible line from democracy into authoritarianism can and will be debated by future historians, but it’s clear that the line itself has been crossed. www.doomsdayscenario.co/p/america-ti...

Omg I’ve been pronouncing FanDuel this whole time like Lin-Fanduel Miranda

Overrated: SLICED BREAD

I’m always in Boarding Group, like, J. I’m surprised they don’t make me run to catch the plane as it’s leaving.

I actually don’t even want to be in boarding group A, sounds boring.

Travel’s funny—Kids looks like adults as they wheel their own luggage and adults look like kids as they walk around in a neck pillow

I get so excited about the Amtrak quiet car, no way to show it but that’s life

Trying out an anti-aging cream. I’ll let you know in 6 years if it’s any good

You have to ask, but my deli in Brooklyn does a really good compliment-criticism-compliment.

I’m an empath and I don’t care how you feel about it

When I compost once.

Get so excited and can’t even concentrate when there’s a Software Update Tonight