brak mirror

ratatouille more like rad-guy-two-y (two rad guys)

post bakes

merdonna it’s like madonna but sea person

if this latest pitch gets accepted i’ll be invincible

one time i heard that your top high school crush liked you back. not anymore, though. it’s unfortunate, but they told me they moved on. bad break, buddy.

gordie, no!!!

all the peonies died

open up the fridge to get a pickle but inside the pickle jar? ghost #spooky

if i found a genie in a lamp my first wish would be to shave all the weird NBA facial hair

the key to delicious popcorn may seem theoretical at first, but ah! there it is! our good friend, “salt”

imagine being eli manning, that’s gotta be weird right

putting my 2019 Toyota Rav4 into “Rock and Gravel” mode as i drive it off a southwest cliff

flanders, no!

terrible news i’ve written another newsletter. this one’s about the horror of middling success and how it comes for us all https://goodones.substack.com/p/the-importance-of-being-burnished

joey i’m not angry anymore

a lot of men lift weights because of some underlying masculine urge to fight their own father. not me. my dad’s weak. small. he’s 75 years old and i could crush him at any time.

my life is nothing like i thought it would be and everything i was worried it would become because for 50 seconds i thought there were monsters on the world

i don’t know how to work the body

“i’m gonna be looking for you on the computer”

“you gotta help me out… i went? to take a shit? and like the toilet paper was gone? so, yeah, i uh, i reached out for what was in front of me…. and i think i wiped my ass with a detailed plan of how to invade Iran? i think it was classified!!”

not that smelly tbh

“so you bake a lot of sourdough loaves? that’s cool” my eviscerated soft palate:

the best part about building a perfect reading/listening nook is getting it all set up and then never using it because you’re too busy playing videogames

can’t stop thinking about the @joshgondelman.bsky.social “blooski” pronunciation joke

“you gotta help me out… i went? to take a shit? and like the toilet paper was gone? so, yeah, i uh, i reached out for what was in front of me…. and i think i wiped my ass with a detailed plan of how to invade Iran? i think it was classified!!”

howdy

qbert get down from there. qbert this is a federal crime

everyone keeps making jokes that the kid who mowed the white house lawn was also indicted. this is not true: he was blown up by a russian surface-to-air missile when he joined a volunteer US mercenary group that immediately got their shit rocked when they landed in ukraine

@support.bsky.team hi, i accidentally put a typo in my email address when i signed up and now i can’t reset my password. help?

my vintage tommy bahama shirt arrived it looks great you’ll just have to imagine how good it looks on me

special exclusive cooling tip, you can turn any meal into a nutritious lunch by just dumping a pile of frozen peas into whatever instant noodles you were making 🥰

may 19th: wow, i can’t believe i completed the first revision pass on my novel manuscript, this is great may 25th: i would do absolutely anything, ANYTHING to Inza the stable man for more Pony Points

been slowly realizing that i’m destined for middling success which is way more terrifying than failing outright

rewatching dawson’s creek gf rewatching justified bf

the peonies are dying

you wouldn’t believe how bad something labeled “cedarwood and mint” can smell when manufactured by a natural deodorant company

going in for a haircut and just bringing a magazine photo of Louis XVI’s decapitated head next to a guillotine and saying “maybe just a little longer than this?”

shakespeare in the bark, it’s all dogs

y’all got thai temples in your backyard

gonna go kayaking 👍🏻

sneak peak of some loaf pan testing for work

lol i forgot my password already and also have a typo in my official email for this app, so far things are going great over here

finally a platform where i can openly talk about how the Na’vi character design makes me sick to my stomach like they make me want to puke when i look at them

bought a vintage Tommy Bahama shirt online today, really think it’s gonna turn things around for me

sometimes i think a little too much about those little brain rods they stick up your nose to mush up your brains when you’re being mummified because what if i could just do it a little bit not too much just some

always good to repost Black Sabbath’s live performance of “Paranoid” in Paris in 1970 https://youtu.be/mYpJAqX662M

smells like literal human feces 🥰 i love this time of year for shallow lakes