The end game for Trump and his ardent supporters has *always* been to deploy American soldiers against American citizens who aren't Trump and his ardent supporters. It's never been subtle or ambiguous, except to fucking dumbasses who thought they were voting for cheaper eggs.

[every text from now on] Mom, that isn't just a lunch invitation—it's a strategic roadmap for meal acquisition. Your text: -States when and where lunch will occur. -Describes the menu. -Mentions nearby parking options. That's not an invite—it's an all-access pass to a midday dining festival.

If there is any greater pleasure in life than going to websites that purport to "explain" song lyrics to you and looking up their interpretations of random punk songs, then I mean, sure, I'd probably be better off doing that with my limited time on Earth instead, but C'MON

Maybe in the end, our AI-administered social media personas will autonomously battle each other to the death online and we can all just meet up at the park and play frisbee or something

Starting to suspect my lack of interest in just about everything anyone says lately might come down to the fact that I just don't spend that much time thinking about Taylor Swift or Cracker Barrel

"What the Fuck Was That '90s Guy Singing in the Chorus?" Challenge My earnest deciphering: 'Uh, like, behold, behold me nude! Where yams agree that the skies go "Moo" We yawn, and y'all, we're just sly cubes Who love Keanuuuuuu!!!' Your turn. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrBP...

Looking for a conversational partner who will listen to me 24 hours a day and unflinchingly reinforce all the stupidest shit I think, does anyone have any suggestions

There's a reason you rarely see people reach for the phrase, "As beautiful as a settings menu," but damn, does working on these essential but unlovely things sap your soul after a while.

I'm thinking it would be a better use of headlines to save them for the occasions when a SpaceX rocket *doesn't* explode. www.cnbc.com/2025/06/19/s...

If only Neville Chamberlain had tried saying "Adolf, STOP!"

Boring bookkeeping note: I generally try to follow everybody back (after some rudimentary bot-and-Nazi screening). I was away for a while, then sick for a while, then hellishly busy for a while/still, and I am *way* behind on that. Hoping to get caught up, but it may be a bit yet. Bear with, please.

If there is a more perfect microcosm of the Trump administration than a wrestling executive turned education secretary promoting AI in the classroom while thinking it's pronounced "A1," please tell me what it is so I can point and laugh at that one too. futurism.com/trump-educat...

Always fun when your country's immigration policy is dictated by incels terrified about what skin color their nonexistent grandchildren might have.

I heard that when every stock in the world declines precipitously, it usually means someone had a really good idea

Here you go, stupid assholes. Two months in and he's trying to do the exact thing *every* person with a brain and the remotest grasp of history told you he'd try to do if you elected him again. But hey, at least groceries are cheap now, right? No? Oh. apnews.com/article/trum...

It's kind of embarrassing when you can't get to sleep. Like…you're failing at *sleep*. One of the simplest acts an organism can perform. You literally just lie still and then fall unconscious. But I'm out here like "What was that second step again? This shit is tricky."

I lost 15 pounds in less than two weeks with Pneumonia™! Hoping to get ready for beach season in a hurry? Pay me 100 bucks and I'll cough on you.

Oh? Ah. [nodding extremely patiently] Golly. I see. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

BREAKING: Man With All the Money in the World Might Be a Bit of an Asshole

Trump Moves to Fulfill Inflation-Fighting Promise by Bringing Soaring Stock Prices Down to More Affordable Levels

BREAKING: Dumbest thing that ever happened is happening again

Perhaps the best quality of Biden's presidency was that I just didn't think about him all that much. When Trump is in office, it's like you're babysitting a young toddler in a very tall townhome with no baby gates. You always feel obliged to keep an eye out, just in case.

INVENTOR OF UNDERWEAR: So they're these smaller pants you wear inside your regular pants EVERYONE: What do they do? I: Bunch up awkwardly, lodge in various crevices… E: Keep talking I: They'll never be perfectly centered, but you'll spend your life chasing it E: [throwing money]

DOJ memo telling employees they've been fired cites the president's authority under a nonexistent "Title II of the Constitution." It wouldn't be a Trump administration without ludicrous ignorance in high places, and we're off to another roaring start. abovethelaw.com/2025/01/depa...

BREAKING: Current youngest generation in the workforce viewed as "most difficult to work with," compared unfavorably with members of previous most-difficult-to-work-with generations fortune.com/article/how-...

It's some consolation to picture the J6 rioters who spent years in prison for trying to illegally force a second Trump term realizing they could have just hung out until this year like everyone else and accomplished exactly the same thing.

[doing something incredibly stupid that I know is incredibly stupid] Suck it, frontal cortex, you won't win this one!

Deeply irresponsible to report this story without even checking whether he's simply swapped bodies or names with a different character www.npr.org/2025/01/16/n...

Watching Joe Biden discover billionaires' political influence might be a problem four days before the end of his four-year term

"You arrived in the wood after we did, Tigger," said Pooh, sweating now, "but where did you arrive FROM?" "From? I don't—" "Can any of you remember NOT being here? Ever?" "I dreamed I lived in another place once," said Christopher Robin. He frowned. "I dreamed that I died there."

One salutary effect of posting things simultaneously on Bluesky and X: it highlights the underlying falsehood of it all. When I carefully copy and paste that spontaneous thought I posted on one platform so people on the other one can see it too, there's no ignoring the artifice.

I am so fucking glad I haven't the faintest idea what this means

It’s going to be poignant when the old woodcarver who made Elon Musk finally tells him he’ll never be a real boy.

I honestly tried to think of an "unconditional discharge" joke I wouldn't be ashamed to sign my name to, but it's trickier than it sounds.

Whatever other stupid shit I may have done, at least I've never threatened to go to war over Greenland

yo i'm back in the studio today layin down some fresh content that i can't wait to monetize with you all! this might be my most performant content yet in terms of audience capture share and related engagement metrics! conversion rates are gonna be off the CHARTS!! ❤️ peace out

To everyone who voted for second helpings of this cocknozzle, thank you again already. www.nbcnews.com/politics/don...

I wish I had the kind of wealth, power, privilege, influence, connections and extensive media platform you need these days to become an enemy of the establishment elite.

Whatever troubles you're going through, you have only one person to blame for them: God.

So…it's because of this guy? God damn it. I should have guessed. Fuck this guy.

If real people followed me on here half as often as bots do, they'd probably be less sexy

That man you taught to fish is back. He says since he'll be eating it for a lifetime, he wishes it could taste better. Guess who gets to teach this chucklefuck how to plant and tend an herb garden now? Should've just given him a fish, dawg.

tech bros: we built a machine that can tell you stuff loudly and confidently! us: cool. is it right about stuff? tech bros: we cannot stress enough how loud and confident it is!

A Cybertruck Decepticon that transforms into a boxy stainless steel toilet

A social media platform hasn't truly taken off until a robot asks you for money to sniff its undies. Congrats, Bluesky, you're in the big leagues now

In a world where you can be anything, be kind of dubious about this assertion that you can be anything. Can you be an astronaut? A supermodel? A champion bronco rider? A bird? Didn't think so. Fact-check your starting premise before you craft these little homilies, bro

Be the change you want to see in your homeowners association's restrictions on allowable gazebo heights.

One day, unnoticed by anyone, you passed a lifetime break-even point where you'd generated more than your own body weight in cut and shaved hair.

When I delivered pizza in college, it was exactly the way porn depicted it. Behind every door you knocked on were three sorority sisters lounging in meticulously coordinated bra and panty sets, begging you to come in and join them. Not anymore. Gen Z ruins everything.