Lorna has an enemy. He lives at no 1 and taunts her at any opportunity. Little fucker sprayed up our door earlier.

Such is my commitment to Friday evening pub, I am leaving the safety of the big fan, and braving the blistering heat to walk down there. Go me!

This summer too

Ann Widdecombe was an out and out bigot. She wouldn’t have recognised a Christian value if it had smacked her in the face. #r4today

#R4Today spent this morning warmly eulogising Ann Widdecombe. Almost none of what they said was wrong. Almost none of it was complete. Here's what they left out. 🧵

And relax….

Off on a school trip with a bus full of 4 year olds. It’s going to be 34 degrees. I don’t even work here anymore! I haven’t thought this through.

Oh dear. We never need to hear what Helen Whately is saying. #r4today

Maybe we could ask the people of Clacton about the donation to Robert Jenrick. They could mull it over while they’re in charge of deciding whether Farage is guilty of any wrongdoing. #r4today

This season of The World Cup is fucking mental. I thought they’d jumped the shark with the whole peace prize thing, but it’s shaping up to be a classic.

The irony of this man talking about his safety being under threat by investigative journalism when he actively stokes race riots.

Think the news should spend 2 minutes on whatever Farage has to say, and then ignore it. He’d hate that. Attention seeking prick.

Arthur Fery, sad Ronaldo, USA out… Fabulous few hours of sport last night. #r4today

We’re at Wimbledon. Pimms and strawberries the main attractions obviously.

Blow the fucking whistle! #MEXENG

Daughter has been in hospital for the last couple of months, not for the first time. I shudder to think what her care is costing. Without the NHS we would have lost everything and she would still be very ill. It must be protected.

Robert Jenrick tying himself in knots spouting total bollocks. It’s tempting to think that Reform are screwed but I don’t want the hope to kill me. #bbclaurak

Properly sunburnt. Will I never learn?

Off for a spur of the moment day at the seaside with my neighbour. Hurrah! Happy Friday

Very mixed messages from my lunch today.

Glad we weren’t alone in telling John Terry to fuck off.

Worth being half an hour early for bodypump. I can set up in front of the fan.

Off to London to see Empire of the Sun, which I am determined to enjoy despite everything else I’ve got going on. Be better if there wasn’t a red weather warning but there we go. Happy Friday 🥂

I’ve restocked the ice cream drawer lads!

@siipuck.bsky.social Middlesbrough v Watford 30th January. It’s a Saturday, we’ll see you in the pub!

Bridget Phillipson effortlessly holding onto the moral high ground despite Nick Robinson’s best attempts to needle her. Shows up Badenoch’s Mean Girls antics for exactly what they are. #r4today

Back door is buggered. A second screwdriver set has been deployed. This is looking serious.

Incredible school bully energy from Kemi Badenoch. Such a deeply unpleasant person. #PMQS

Hydration break

I’m having the last Magnum, and you can’t stop me.

Farage defending his Makerfield candidate because he’s a manual worker, ‘likes a beer, and is one of the lads’ is fucking outrageous, and an insult to all the men who fit into that particular Venn diagram and aren’t racist misogynist twats. #r4today

Lorna keeps tapping me and running away because she wants me to chase her. What idiot would play tag with a cat? This idiot as it turns out.

Don’t think I’ll stick around for Chris Mason’s post wank glee.

What time is Nigel Farage’s urgent address to the nation about the attacks in Edinburgh? I haven’t missed it have I?

I used to love a bit of World Cup bunting. These days it makes our local look like a far right hub. Anyhow. Happy Friday

John’s got brewer’s droop. He gets intimidated by the dirty ladybirds. #parklife

I did my best

Been very meh about this World Cup but Cape Verde. 👏👏👏 All of a sudden, I’m in!

When life throws you lemons and all that

After yesterday’s disasters, a very different morning today. I’ve just wrestled a very angry cat into dropping a shrew, caught it myself, and put it back in the garden. I’m basically invincible.

It’s quite something listening to a black woman courting the votes of racist misogynists. Kemi Badenoch desperate to trample over hard won equality rights. #r4today

Car window gets smashed overnight. Car alarm silent. Try to put bin liners over to keep the rain out. Car alarm goes mental. Go figure.

When life gets hard, there comes a point when you stop trying to please people who can’t be pleased. It’s actually quite liberating.

Not gonna lie, life is about to go tits up again. In the meantime, the eldest has had her engagement party this afternoon. As they say, let’s face the music, and dance. See you on the other side x

Wow, what a final. Cruel that either had to lose. The future looks bright for Wu Yize, but gutted for Shaun Murphy. Fabulous player and very gracious in defeat. I hope he gets another crack at it #snooker

Everyone forgets the true meaning of the May Day bank holiday, when Jesus and John the Baptist went with their wives to the big Ikea in Galilee and later had a takeaway and cans while watching the snooker final on the telly

Love watching the snooker. It reminds me of staying with my Grandma when I was little. My house used to be a bit shouty and angry, and a few days of snooker, jigsaws and marzipan with her was a wonderful oasis of calm.

Drinking red wine with fish. Sue me

Home alone until Monday. Hurrah. I’ve made a to do list that mainly consists of cranking the music up very loud, and eating crisps in bed. Bring it on.