I believe I’ve become too fat to go back to skinny jeans. Here’s to jinkos.

Currently leading to replace Bondi:

USians is the new Latinx

Trump at NATO: The moon, it’s incredible. We’re going to mine it. It’s full of resources. We won’t even need cows any more. There’s just so much cheese on the moon and you aren’t reporting it. Because you are nasty. Fake news. They are all fake news. I won the moon. BY A LOT! We gonna cheese mine.

I pray to god that a middle aged, normal human being is president (either party) before all the boomers die so he can send them to their room to think about what they’ve done.

I can’t wait for TACO Tuesday.

James Comey is having trouble jizzing up a coup. Perhaps Lauren Boebert could give him a hand.

The Trump Admin. just made machine guns legal again by permitting the sale of devices that turn AR-15s into fully automatic weapons. Forced-reset triggers increase a weapon’s rate of fire to mimic fully automatic guns—allowing a shooter to fire an entire magazine’s worth of ammunition in seconds.

I could absolutely run a hedge fund. #nutlick

When did Peter Navarro start referring to the u.s. as Trumpland? #CNBC

“I go into the office, I sue the federal government, and I go home.” -Greg Abbott. So Texas is definitely one of the 12 states right?….riiiiiiiight?

Translation: the entire world didn’t think anyone was capable of fucking themselves this bad. stocks.apple.com/AcJ-dCpUVRF-...

President Xi should announce that he’s going to end the Ukraine war in 24 hours and pull it off. Oof. Cheeto explosion.

The “show less” button on @bsky.app is as not even as effective as the “close door” button on the elevator.

We may not have democracy BUT we have Katy Perry in space… so that’s neat.

Dump pump dump pump dump pump dump trump

Is Peter Navarro dumber than he is corrupt?

This is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

NOT BREAKING: President Trump is rambling like a crazy old man.

Howard Nutlick…

What if the Epstein files are hidden inside the JFK files?

Warren Buffet’s last act: waits for Tesla to fall below 500b market cap. Deploys cash hoard. Ousts Musk. Every car comes with a candy bar and a happy meal.

Democrats.. just come to the show with a message that you aren’t completely useless. Leave the identity politics and Nancy Pelosi’s insider trading behind. Maybe don’t say, “defund the police” anymore. You win. Tahdah!!!!

I wonder how Bill Gates Tesla shorts are doin.

U.S. citizens have typically been off limits criminal targets in Mexico due to the threat of retaliation from the U.S. government. Assuming that white, pretty, Christian girls are still off limits while the rest will become sacrificial pawns for headlines.

#sxsw crowd has descended upon Austin. Perhaps the most punchable, cybertruck loving, faces ever seen. How is assault not more of a problem in Silicon Valley?

Maybe we shouldn’t have so many lawyers running the government, considering a non-zero chunk of them are sociopathic mercenaries that would represent the world’s most infamous baby murderer pro bono if it got their big dumb faces on tv.

Art of the deal

I think I’m gonna start smoking weed again. #sotu

Jesus, shit the fuck up already. #sotu

T- minus 40 minutes until I get to hear the dumbest shit since yesterday and until tomorrow. #sotn

Looks like I’m getting American based tequila moving forward. Tariiffs are so super neat. Make American tequila great again.

Sooooo fuck bitcoin?

If I pay for the news app subscription on apple how much of that $9.99 makes its way to @washingtonpost.com?

I always tell ChatGPT “thank you” so that they take me out quickly at the purge instead of using me as a blood boy.

At 9am on Saturday morning, a group of women spread across a busy street in central Kyiv and stopped traffic to observe a minute of silence. A loudspeaker counted 60 ticks before blaring the opening lines of the national anthem — “Ukraine’s glory and freedom have not yet perished”… on.ft.com/4kjCmfk

I wonder if any southern, white Evangelicals have enough self awareness to realize they are the grey horse the antichrist rode in on. #trump

Dr. Drew shamed me into not being a pot head and upon reflection I think being a damn doper was the just the best version of myself. Dr. Phil never hurt me.

Have the kiwis revoked Peter Thiel’s citizenship yet? Ya know, the guy promoting civil unrest, fascism, and “libertarianism” while buying an underground bunker in one of the most liberal, government-stable democracies in the world? #newzealand #tinypp

I’m expatriating to avoid the impending civil war. Taipei here I come. #taiwan

It’s always Fuck Trump, we need to take a minute to reflect on the fact that it also needs to be Fuck Vance. #ukraine

Decent people thank Ukraine.

I’m sure this bitch weasel “reporter” will ask Elon the same question

My god it’s embarrassing to be a U.S. citizen right now

Let’s all take a moment to appreciate that my mother aggressively rallied support for the orange goblin because, and I quote, “Obama might be the antichrist (black)” and now I’m 45 days away from being drafted into the Russian army to battle Greenland.

Are we all thinking the destruction of American democracy is part of a new Mr. Beast show?

Don’t let the Fitfam fool you. Non-alcoholic beer is disgusting.

My 75 year old father, who watches 1 football game a year, as long as a republican is president, did not like the half time show. NFL better rethink their strategy or bankruptcy is inevitable. #superbowl