🤗

Divorced man (the less incredibly divorced one) said that I'll make a great lawyer one day because I'm a master of the written word Not sure if my boss would agree, but I'll take it

This is how I sext

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

My out of office message:

(guy watching House for the first time) when are they going to start construction

Probably gonna spend the next 3 days just eating, shitting, and jacking off. Exactly as the baby Jesus intended.

Okay but it REALLY do be like that

This is how I sext

Gamers. It’s time

He's making a list, Checking it twice, Going to find out you kept them on ice, Santa Claus has eaten your plums. He knows you wanted breakfast, He thinks it's a mistake, He knows they were delicious, sweet, And so cold, for goodness sake!

I mean yeah it’s an authoritarian takeover but can we take some comfort in the fact that the people doing it are INSANELY stupid?

Gotta say, as a survivor, I’m not super loving this thing where the Department of Justice is running a cover-up of evidence the President sexually abused minors.

I love reading. in fact I love reading so much, that I will re-read the same paragraph 10 times over, in an attempt to pay enough attention to register it properly

SCROOGE: You there, boy! What day is it? BOY (totally not a time traveler trying to look innocent): Today? Why… (consulting a pocket almanac)… The Battle of the Bulge! SCROOGE: What? BOY: What

Ok. Now had a chance to check and, well, at least some docs do appear to be straight up classic redaction fail. And there are some *interesting* bits here. www.justice.gov/multimedia/C...

This is how I sext

left my broken ass car at the office so I'm getting a ride to work from my supervising atty tomorrow

Update: car still broken :(

Update: car fixed (I think) Replaced all the spark plugs

This is how I sext.

car broken :( though the flashing check engine light is definitely the vibe recently

getting to work 4 microseconds late and blaming it on the NIST Boulder atomic clock outage

God bless the American jury abc7.com/post/man-acc...

hmmmm

*AI blooper reel*

"I've had enough of your bullshit" Me: I don't believe you. Here's some more

Sooooooooo weary

Perhaps a drunken sext

One of my cats was stealing my roommate's english muffins off the counter and bringing them upstairs and before I was able to identify what he was eating I kept yelling "WHAT DO YOU HAVE??" as if he would answer me

ME: "I have had 2 drinks and no food and I'm more intoxicated than I intended to be" DIVORCED MAN: *puts a hamburger in front of me* BODY: *recoils* N O F O O D ME: come on, we have to drive home later and it would be rude not to eat it BODY: DID I FUCKING STUTTER

my discover feed has been littered with puppy play and hazbin hotel How do I unsubscribe

Now with less material.

I wonder what spells the Accessibility Wizard can cast

my favorite joke is sending men a pic of a positive COVID test and saying "it's yours"

being sick is lonely and boring

obsessed with stardew valley's "there's no meat in this game because butchering animals you've loving raised just feels too sad :(" but also having a game mechanic where you can sacrifice your actual children

Degenerative AI

This is how I sext

This is how I sext

A small, translucent baby octopus's first look at the big wide world. 🐙 #marinelife #octopus

This is how I sext