You never hear of people naming their kids Tarzan

Finally opened my new Spanish tapas restaurant - Stop! Jamón Time

Just because a buncha boats came. We had boats there too... and what do Greenlandians want with a buncha crappy snow anyhow? We stopped 8 wars

This could have been avoided by giving everyone a medal for taking part, like they do for school sports days

Regret to inform that my dog still insists on having a dump in front of Our Lord J H Christ

Woke up this morning wearing hair rollers and wrinkled stockings. Think it's that Nora virus that's going round

France there. Controlling its borders and removing unwanted foreigners, as is its right to do so. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

(Repeat)

Hup era Wonder Stuff at the Brixton Academy

I stopped doing narcotics years ago but I've just seen that Pink Floyd at Pompeii is on NowTV and suddenly have a longing for a bit of squidgy black. If that's still a thing

'Cause it's a Band C speeding penalty, that's life

“Hold it! There’s a car across the street—you sure you weren’t followed, Mary?”

Is this what Enya was harping on about? "The Orinoco Belt consists of large deposits of extra heavy crude oil. Venezuela's heavy oil deposits of about 1,200 billion barrels (1.9×1011 m3), found primarily in the Orinoco Petroleum Belt..."

We need to stop landfill indie coming back

Ant Man's real name is Anthony Mansfield

- Donald Trump has ordered a strike on the capital of Venezuela - Caracas? - Yes. He's completely fucking insane!

I'm going to say this. The new Bullseye with Freddie Flintoff is just as magic as the originals. It's got shit darts throwing, badly judged gambling decisions and fucking teasmaids.

And, so this is Christmas

Oi! Chris Rea..! No!

Stone Roses frontman Ian Brown, there. Dropping off some weapons and drugs to a biker gang on Canvey Island

Took this photo of a sheep today that could pass for a Sir Edwin Landseer painting. If you squint your eyes a bit.

Herve you tried turneng eet erf ernd ern again?

"...and my fanny's already like a cleaner's bucket in a blancmange factory"

Whenever Putin wants to keep Trump in check, he phones him up and sings "PISSRAAAAY... PISSRAY!" to the tune of Stingray

Is it wanking?

The great thing about living on the coast this time of year is that the torrential gales jetwash off all the seagull shit from everything

It's like all the oncologists want a feel of the worst cancerous bollock they've ever seen.

The flag's upside down, mate

Beano #1654, March 30, 1974

He showed her his pie... so he could see hers

My lunch seems to have arranged itself into some sort of chupacabras shit

I used to take my son to an activity which was no more than a 5 minute walk from my house. Yet for weeks, one of the dads insisted that I joined his WhatsApp car pool, which I politely declined over and over again. Was I the arsehole? www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Is there anyone here who ISN'T being followed by Vegplotter? There must be someone. Anyone?

So I've just heard that the singer from Living in a Box has passed

You can do anything but lay off of my

You forgot to send your mother a poppy card this year. I'm very disappointed, son.

Keep reading about this Madeline McCann impersonator and was wondering how I'd go about booking her for a corporate event. Does anyone know who her agent is? Fuck it, post

'Spider megacity'. Well that can fuck off www.independent.co.uk/news/science...

Dick Cheney's porn name was Dick Cheney

Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is a bit of a mouthful. He should give himself a trendy nickname like And-Mo or Mob-Win, like the rap fellas.

Happy Halloween www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_Co...

BREAKING - Andrew is stripped of Cycling Proficiency Certificate, 5m Backstroke and Jim'll Fix It badges

Now streaming

Post something random or you’ll have an AWFUL November

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families

Rather than going for a standard phallus design, Russia's new nuclear-powered missile looks like a dog's lipstick

Went to the Goodwood motor circuit yesterday and not being much of a petrol head, I was the one cooing over the architecture instead