I cook on gas at home and have just had to stay somewhere with an electric ceramic hob

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because all the autistic people ate them

He looks like a headteacher at morning assembly, announcing that a copy of Readers Wives has been found in the boys changing room. If I was good at Photoshop, this would be marginally funnier

Somebody needs to go back to medical school

... and she said "Well, I don't think you're a fishmonger. I think you've done a plop in the wrong lavatory."

Like discerning, but funkier

Nobody commenting on how most of the "free speech" protestors are fighting age men

When I'm not posting shit, I like to womble around on beaches looking for fossils. After a good storm and low tide, I give you a collection of Eocene sharks teeth, turtle shell, crocodile scute, random bones and even a piece of swordfish snout. Swearing and dad jokes will resume now

Imagine Liz Truss has just had a lobotomy, drank a bottle of gin and then went on the radio

If Trump had looked hard enough, there's actually a birthday cards for nonces section in Clinton's. Underneath the "Sorry your cat died, Nan" shelf

AAAAAHRGGH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Flop = cop strop

In showbiz news, Pharrell Williams recently revealed how he plans to watch every horror movie from the 'Child's Play' franchise back-to-back. "I'm up all night to watch Chucky", he said. "Fuck it, post" he also added

So he says "how would you like me to punch YOU in the balls?" an' I says back "help yourself, mate. One of them's plastic. The other one's numb from the wanking"

My son is Eight Ace

It's always "fighting age" males with this lot. Never "working age". Or "disco dancing age"

You'll never know when a person sitting next to you has a food allergy, so I always bring a peanut butter sandwich when I'm traveling by train

RIP Terence Stamp, you are with the angles in the Phantom Zone now. x

My other half on a phone call - "he needs to get his bum in gear" which I immediately misheard as "he needs to get his bumming gear"

I'm down with this. Shit off with your kid's iPad on full blast and leaving your picnic behind when you get off.

Now that the grot sites are harder to access, it's time to reintroduce a new generation to creative wanking and using your imagination. It's even online now www.freemans.com

I posted this a few years ago and have just read that Cartman attempts to do pretty much this in a new episode of South Park

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN HULK HOGAN. YOU MARK MY WORDS. A DEAD MAN. (Throws plastic chair)

Looking so grown up

Great. Our next Prime Minister is going to be Action Man. Or Pikachu. Is that what you want? Cos that's what will happen. BBC News - www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c9...

People who modify car or motorbike exhausts so that they sound like an elephant playing the trombone out of its arse at 3 billion decibels. They're a great bunch of lads* aren't they? *big twats

Sunday night. Let's fucking do this you cunts.

Proof that Noel Edmunds fathered a child with Mr. Blobby

Facebook memory from 11 years ago. A fenced off Canterbury House in Croydon, a stones throw from where I worked. Better know as Mark Corrigan's office in Peep Show.

Nobody needs to know if you don't like Oasis. Just let their fans enjoy this reunion. And anyway, I didn't like them before everyone else and I don't like their early stuff the most.

Worzel Gummidge decided he would try having a wank one day, but he was just grasping at straws

Pale ale meets the greatest band in the world. Courtesy of Silver Rocket brewery, Sussex

I've had enough of cheap substandard flat pack furniture. Death, death to the MDF!

I hate sports. Never been interested in any of it. Sport is very well catered for on the telly and always has been. Live music, on the other hand, isn't, which is why I love the BBC and the amazing coverage that it provides during Glastonbury.

When's he going to play Sweet Caroline? #NeilYoung #TheGlastonberry

The first of my in-depth #Glastonbury coverage, I'll be posting over the weekend, from the comfort of my sofa. Biffy Clyro - Coldplay with tattoos

American musicians playing #Glastonbury are still, like, "HELLO GLASS STONE BERRY" Who's giving out their visas FFS?

...is on the outside of your house

I only know him off the Sopranos and I'm saying "IT'S FUCKING APPENDAR FUCKING CITIS OR SOME FUCKING SHIT" in my head

Sunday night

With all that's happening in the world right now, it's a good time to remind everyone that Threads is currently available on the iPlayer www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/epis...

Woop-woop, there's a problem with your sink Woop-woop, that's the sound of da leak

Took a cup of hot chocolate to bed last night because I thought it would help me sleep but I kept stirring

They call me

I'm resigned to the fact that if we were to put our house up for sale, it would probably come with the "in need of some modernisation" tagline.

Men buying a bike: "I'm looking at the 87-speed tungsten alloy frame with Jumanji hydraulic brakes and carbon fibre Rigatoni rims" Ladies buying a bike: "Do have anything made of wrought iron and weighs 6 tons with a basket on the front? I'm thinking Miss Marple or Call the Midwife, yeah?"

Tragic tales of the allotment FB group

Smash in the gangs