Ugh, I ate half a sandwich from KFC for lunch before concluding it wasn't cooked thoroughly and tossing the rest. My stomach already sounds like I swallowed a nervous basset hound whole. It's going to be a long evening I fear.

Oh no you guys. My zeal for terrible sandwiches, coffee from an urn, and masturbation has finally caught up with me.

I had someone ask if I was Canadian today. They were so apologetic about getting it wrong and I was just like “oh my goodness, do you think I pass as Canadian? Really? Oh god. Thank you so much!”

This is embarrassing to admit but I don’t know where to turn. You see, I have a structured settlement but I need cash now. Any ideas where I can turn?

How dare my 7 year old call my wife and I cringe and then unironically watch this excruciating Disney movie musical with these white teens repeatedly descending into just the most vile hip hop pieces?

I was going to say Matthew Sweet but I forgot I went to high school with Alex Gordon who probably has a few more fans that remember him.

Logged on Overwatch for first time in years saw many new playable characters. Surprised Blizzard returned to the 00s pitch of "here's a hot lady w giant bazoingas, don't worry we made sure she had platinum armor covering her goombas but otherwise her torso is completely bare, no vital organs there"

Oh, you think you walk the path of Christ? Name one sex worker who would weep over your death

Watching the BBC Olympic coverage means about 95% fewer ads than watching the American coverage but I don't get nearly as much Snoop Dog so swings and roundabouts.

Gosh it’s gotta be upsetting to both France and Italy that the US was much better dressed then either of them. #openingceremony (Pretty sure that’ll be the last time I praise the US in 2026)

Unforced error of the day: my son was talking about one of his friends and I made the mistake of asking him “Wait, which one is Jack? He’s the one with the hot mom, right?”

Waking up and reading about the grammys. I’m officially confused how Chappell Roan’s Grammy dress actually works. The sheer bit seems to be obfuscating her bits but somehow the rings are holding up the gown? I guess the rings must be part of the dress itself? I don’t think i could pull the look off

Listen, I don’t like the guy and I certainly don’t understand why he’s orange now. But I’ll give him this: that outfit would absolutely be dope as fuck to wear for Pitt Homecoming

Just saw an ad on insta for a job that pays $46,000 a year to remotely make music playlists for people. Makes me wonder who is dumb enough to buy that nonsense.

I’ve been living in Portugal for 5 months now. Objectively the food here is worlds better than what I’d grown accustomed to living in Iowa. Food here is nicer, safer, and healthier than in the States…. That said, Portugal has (sadly) not figured out how to do texmex well at all.

Well, seems I’m going to use Omar Epps reaction gifs a lot less frequently going forward.

Piper looking great in her new technicolor glamour shot from Riot Girl Erin.

I’m being accused of unparalleled ableism today on the bluesky for making a joke that the music streaming services should occasionally prevent users from listening to the music that came out around the time they were 20 to forces them to listen to new music. This place is unhinged some days.

The crotchal integrity of these pants has deteriorated to a level that I can no longer ignore. It’s with a heavy heart that I must conclude: I need to shop for a new pair of jeans.

There’s days where I appreciate that I left the US & then there’s days where I’m absolutely gd over the moon that I’m out. I know it doesn’t change what’s happening, but god it’s way easier to ride this out on a beach in Europe. Can’t even imagine what would make me consider returning at this point

Watching an older episode of Great British Bake Off with Matt Lucas as one of the presenters. It’s astounding how excruciatingly unpleasant he is to watch perform. I feel like I should make my kids watch so they can reassess how ‘cringe’ I truly am when compared to this hobgoblin of mediocrity.

Lana del the funky homosapien rey

Gift exchange is complete. The kids got so much stuff I’m going to have to buy them both new shelving to store all this stuff. Feliz natal

Are they doing Christmas Barbenheimer everywhere or is this just happening in Portugal? These posters are all over Tavira all the sudden even though we don’t have a movie theater in town any more.

The Apple Weather app says it’s not going to rain today. Weather underground says it’s more likely than not. Guess we’ll see who’s wrong (hint: the Apple weather app is terrible so probably it)

Are there any good christmas movies besides Home Alone and Die Hard? My kids want to watch another xmas movie and we have already watched Home Alone this week and I don't think my 7 year old is quite ready for her first trip to Nakatomi Tower just yet.

Finally been to the same place here enough times that I have a guy who knows my “regular.” It’s a zero percent surprise that it’s the guy at the donner kebab place near my house.

So, @profanity.accountant I once dated a children’s librarian who told me that she reduced her swearing around me cause I so seldom swore. But that was before that one guy got elected (either time) and before I’d been a public defender for over a decade. How vulgar am I these days?

Getting ready for our first Thanksgiving in Portugal. Didn’t track down full turkeys so we’re doing two roast chicken instead (which I think is probably a lateral move but I’m sure the kids would prefer the OG bird). But we figured out all the other staples. Fingers crossed.

I dunno, maybe I’m an idiot but the Steelers offense looks a bit more effective with Mason at the helm.

Will I ever get over my anger at Apple for killing Dark Sky? The Apple Weather app fucking sucks and they bought and then destroyed the only decent app on the platform. The weather app is saying clear sky and 0% precipitation chance. Meanwhile it’s been raining for 15 min. and will be for another 30

I /sorta/ understand the appeal of alcohol free beer but I’m shook to learn they sell AF gin now. Who’s spending 19 euros for this? Save yourself money and just drink the water from the Christmas tree stand.

They already starved 600,000 people abroad. Might as well start starving them in the states now

One downside to life in Portugal? They love these tiny little beers and they’re often the cheapest option per litre at the store. For me (a fat American with little restraint) they are like a cerveja one hitter. Basically as soon as I open one and sit down it’s already time to get up for a new one.

A week ago I read the first paragraph of an article about Stavros Halkias who I /think/ is a comedian. The algorithm on every platform took that to mean that I am fucking obsessed with the dude and is looking for any opportunity it can find to surface me content on the guy.

Hey @pfrazee.com I’ve got a feature request. Can you create a feed delay so that you can have like a 2 minute pause between when something is posted and when I can see it? I’m watching redzone on another continent via VPN and everything exciting gets spoiled by posts well before I see them.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend the rest of my time in France wondering why they need to repair their urine and also how far they need to jam this lotion in to make it work.

My mother in law hates that we moved to Portugal so she’s set up a Google News alert to forward us any adverse news that occurs in our new home country as a passive aggressive tool to deter us. I’d respond with an email for every mass shooting from the US but it’d too quickly become a full time job

I don’t get how meta knows who to recommend as follows to me. I’ve only started logging on to instagram in the past couple months infrequently but when I see who it’s recommending I follow it’s a shockingly compelling list of people I used to fool around with that I haven’t talked to in a decade

Can i show my 9 year old the one piece cartoon or is it too mature?

My kid left his iPhone charger at the hotel we were at last night and you cannot fathom how fucking livid I am that I’m going to have to buy a gd lightning cable in the year 2025.

Will I ever be able to hear the name Zach Ertz without reflexively singing to myself “Come on baby make it Ertz so good”? It’s been happening for more than a decade at this point. When does this become a situation where I ought to consult medical professionals?

It pains me to admit but the eagles are an exceptionally fun team to watch and I am afraid I may actually be rooting for them

New house, had to come up with a new division of chores for the kids. Decided to have our 9 year old take our recycling to the bins on the corner for us. Failed to consider how this would result in him having comments like "A lot of glass this week. You and mom drank a lot of wine and cider, huh?"

The move to Portugal has been brutal on my YouTube music experience. Using the same account I’ve had for years but for whatever reason they think I’ve changed my musical taste entirely over the past month. Doesn’t matter what my starting off track is, it veers into banal corporate pop immediately.

so many dead canaries and we just keep on mining

Had I known how GD delicious this store brand, zero sugar, pineapple soda was going to be I would have moved to Portugal years ago.

Garbage wvu fans keep booing Pitt players for being injured despite the fact those injuries are helping their team manage the clock

It confuses the hell out of me why apple refuses to capitalize ‘i” most the time when i use it in a sentence but it always makes sure that if i write Home Screen to go back and capitalize both words.

Had to dump the duolingo app from my home screen cause I was sick of the icon being a beat up sniveling owl even when I had done my daily lesson. Added a widget to my widget screen instead. Now I’m instead haunted by this image of an owl with a face for a rump. Why can’t you just be normal duolingo?