Finally been to the same place here enough times that I have a guy who knows my “regular.” It’s a zero percent surprise that it’s the guy at the donner kebab place near my house.

So, @profanity.accountant I once dated a children’s librarian who told me that she reduced her swearing around me cause I so seldom swore. But that was before that one guy got elected (either time) and before I’d been a public defender for over a decade. How vulgar am I these days?

Getting ready for our first Thanksgiving in Portugal. Didn’t track down full turkeys so we’re doing two roast chicken instead (which I think is probably a lateral move but I’m sure the kids would prefer the OG bird). But we figured out all the other staples. Fingers crossed.

I dunno, maybe I’m an idiot but the Steelers offense looks a bit more effective with Mason at the helm.

Will I ever get over my anger at Apple for killing Dark Sky? The Apple Weather app fucking sucks and they bought and then destroyed the only decent app on the platform. The weather app is saying clear sky and 0% precipitation chance. Meanwhile it’s been raining for 15 min. and will be for another 30

I /sorta/ understand the appeal of alcohol free beer but I’m shook to learn they sell AF gin now. Who’s spending 19 euros for this? Save yourself money and just drink the water from the Christmas tree stand.

They already starved 600,000 people abroad. Might as well start starving them in the states now

One downside to life in Portugal? They love these tiny little beers and they’re often the cheapest option per litre at the store. For me (a fat American with little restraint) they are like a cerveja one hitter. Basically as soon as I open one and sit down it’s already time to get up for a new one.

A week ago I read the first paragraph of an article about Stavros Halkias who I /think/ is a comedian. The algorithm on every platform took that to mean that I am fucking obsessed with the dude and is looking for any opportunity it can find to surface me content on the guy.

Hey @pfrazee.com I’ve got a feature request. Can you create a feed delay so that you can have like a 2 minute pause between when something is posted and when I can see it? I’m watching redzone on another continent via VPN and everything exciting gets spoiled by posts well before I see them.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend the rest of my time in France wondering why they need to repair their urine and also how far they need to jam this lotion in to make it work.

My mother in law hates that we moved to Portugal so she’s set up a Google News alert to forward us any adverse news that occurs in our new home country as a passive aggressive tool to deter us. I’d respond with an email for every mass shooting from the US but it’d too quickly become a full time job

I don’t get how meta knows who to recommend as follows to me. I’ve only started logging on to instagram in the past couple months infrequently but when I see who it’s recommending I follow it’s a shockingly compelling list of people I used to fool around with that I haven’t talked to in a decade

Can i show my 9 year old the one piece cartoon or is it too mature?

My kid left his iPhone charger at the hotel we were at last night and you cannot fathom how fucking livid I am that I’m going to have to buy a gd lightning cable in the year 2025.

Will I ever be able to hear the name Zach Ertz without reflexively singing to myself “Come on baby make it Ertz so good”? It’s been happening for more than a decade at this point. When does this become a situation where I ought to consult medical professionals?

It pains me to admit but the eagles are an exceptionally fun team to watch and I am afraid I may actually be rooting for them

New house, had to come up with a new division of chores for the kids. Decided to have our 9 year old take our recycling to the bins on the corner for us. Failed to consider how this would result in him having comments like "A lot of glass this week. You and mom drank a lot of wine and cider, huh?"

The move to Portugal has been brutal on my YouTube music experience. Using the same account I’ve had for years but for whatever reason they think I’ve changed my musical taste entirely over the past month. Doesn’t matter what my starting off track is, it veers into banal corporate pop immediately.

so many dead canaries and we just keep on mining

Had I known how GD delicious this store brand, zero sugar, pineapple soda was going to be I would have moved to Portugal years ago.

Garbage wvu fans keep booing Pitt players for being injured despite the fact those injuries are helping their team manage the clock

It confuses the hell out of me why apple refuses to capitalize ‘i” most the time when i use it in a sentence but it always makes sure that if i write Home Screen to go back and capitalize both words.

Had to dump the duolingo app from my home screen cause I was sick of the icon being a beat up sniveling owl even when I had done my daily lesson. Added a widget to my widget screen instead. Now I’m instead haunted by this image of an owl with a face for a rump. Why can’t you just be normal duolingo?

I’m no fan of violence but I’m shocked it’s taken this long into trump’s term before a leading conservative has been shot. So many guns in the country, such a strong lurch towards tyranny. It’s just seemed to me that a surge of political violence was inevitable.

Showed my 9 year old Lunch Lady Land for the first time. His take: “the lunch lady is very fat but very athletic.” I told him he was right and that we were all mesmerized by that duality in the 90s. I’m going to be singing “navy beans, navy beans, navy beans, MEATLOAF SANDWICH” to myself for days.

I am sure he spent the time after the water buffalo got killed thinking "goddamn I could eat a burger right about now" and lost track of what the point of the film was

Is there something wrong with my TV or is that what the Saints jerseys actually look like?

My hair has reached the volume where any hat I attempt to wear makes it look like I’m doing Stephen Wright cosplay

Found a company called Joy Division that makes sex lube. It would be funnier if it wasn’t a German company given the origin of the band name comes from nazi brothels. Regardless, I’m pretty sure I’ll be humming ‘lube will tear anus apart again’ to myself the rest of the day.

I got mildly admonished by the waiter at thus restaurant near the beach for not getting seafood. I said, “But I ordered calamari” and he said ‘yeah but that’s just frozen stuff for tourists, you should have got the bream’ If you’re going to say that, why would you tell me that after I ordered?

Found the first big negative to life in Portugal: there’s no Great British Bakeoff on Netflix. How am I supposed to cope without my cozy sconetime? (Also, how am I supposed to get my wife all riled up for bedtime interactions without Paul Hollywood’s azure gaze?) I guess it’s a pirate’s life for me.

We don’t have any floor lamps yet on the main level and all the overhead lights are too harsh for nighttime relaxing so I’m drinking a super bock and watching YouTube videos by candlelight, just like the pilgrims did.

Been in Portugal a week now. About 90% unpacked. The kids have both found some new stuff they appreciate about their new home. I’d say that all the extra walking we’re doing is going to be good for us but there’s this bakery 3 minutes away that is undoing our efforts. Pistachio pastries for .5€?

There’s a guy parked in front of my house, eating a candy bar alone, looking miserable. I want to tell him I’ve been there myself but I’m wagering he just wants to be left alone with his almond joy

I have to delete a bunch of stuff off my iPad to make space for the most recent os update. The only info they offer is it’s to address security issues. 10 gb for a security patch, apple? How fucked was your code?

The journey took about 12 hours longer than we planned after multiple delays & subsequent issues getting our dogs back but we’re all together again and at our new home in Tavira, Portugal. We’re still massively jet lagged but we spent the day showing the town off to the kids and getting settled.

Well. I’m officially no longer a homeowner. Two days till we leave for Portugal.

This restaurant’s spice index makes no sense.

Slightly diminish a band: Basic Milk Hotel

Down to my last 3 weeks in the states before the move. I should really be drinking more Mountain Dew than I am currently while I still have the chance. Gonna be a lot more Fanta in my future in Portugal

I was momentarily excited when my iphone suggested I create a “Dinner with Ernest” calendar event for the plan that I’d just made in text. But then it put it on a date a week off from what we’d planned so I am reminded once more not to trust apple intelligence.

Just learned there are 2 musicians working under the name horsegirl. An indie band from chicago and a hardcore dj from germany. Now that I know this I think I understand the befuddling conversation I had a recently about 'horsegirl' where I'm pretty sure we both thought the other was a musical moron

I don't have space to move my board games with me so I've sold them off. Selling Settlers of Catan hurt a bit. I have bought that game twice already & I guess I can buy it a 3rd time but it seems crazy to spend €45 for some wooden hexagons... I could craft my own game but is that inherently trashy?

Am I allowed to call a seven year old girl insufferable? We’re hosting a slumber party for my daughter and one of her friends is so over the top demanding of constant attention that I’m close to declaring her irredeemable. You need veggie straws at midnight to fall asleep? Come on.

this is where I post from

My 9 year old asked if we could watch an episode of the Simpsons. This is a question I've been patiently awaiting for 10 years but now I can't decide what episode is going to be the one to start with. Has to be somewhere between seasons 2-8, has to make sense to a kid in 2025. Monorail? Rosebud?

Oh man. Episode 300 of Off Menu just went up. I should really save it for my walk tomorrow, right? I mean, I want it now but I should save it, right? I dunno, maybe I’ll treat myself but then I’ll be so disappointed tomorrow.

34 days left till we resettle. So much left to do. Haven’t gotten as far into my Portuguese lessons as I’d hoped but there’s been so much work to do before we leave.

The sounds coming from my dog’s stomach are downright distressing. She’s sleeping but it sounds like someone is aggressively trying to plunge a stuck toilet. Don’t worry though, this is how she often sounds.