First Substack in ages, featuring both the reasons for my absence and a slow-moving series about a cute Japanese cat open.substack.com/pub/squareey...

If we're doing "long distance train travel" discourse here's a thing I wrote many years ago about why flying is cheaper (but not actually better IMHO, train all the way, Man in Seat 61 4eva etc etc) www.politico.eu/article/ode-...

She looks fantastic for her age 🫡

YES shout it from the rooftops AND no feature film can be longer than 90 minutes for any reason whatsoever 🥳

There has been a *lot* going on in the last few months and I've completely neglected my Substack: SORRY to all my subscribers. I'll do more next year. BUT here is last year's Xmas post, by @tom-phillips.com and me, on Xmas classics... Enjoy open.substack.com/pub/squareey...

Can you air fry Fimo? Asking for a friend

Finally put up the next Square Eyes!! Featuring Shape Island, Murderbot, Mark Ronson and mine and @tom-phillips.com thoughts on optimal programme length... open.substack.com/pub/squareey...

Saw this in M&S this morning and while it's not pink and girly it's also... 🤔🤔🤔 (Obv it's one of the greatest albums of all time )

Saw this at The Range today and NO, absolutely NOT, I haven't been on my summer holiday yet? How do I report an actual crime?? Stop it right now (unbeaten for crafting bits tho)

As someone who a) rides a bike and b) remembers what it was like to have toddler twins, I can only say: WTF BBQ OMG ROFLCOPTER www.cyclesprog.co.uk/blog/hetty-k...

“Okay Katy let’s go for one more take with the other lyrics.”

I did a degree in French and German and got taught throughout by proper serious linguists. When I learnt Flemish (in BXL) in my twenties, the language school teacher was a former pro footballer! His knees had gone, so he just retrained. Legend. But, ja, hoor, it is not the *most* serious language 😜

Everyone talks about a midlife career change, I think I might become a professional art thief and steal all these! What a brilliant collection 🚅🚂😍 artuk.org/discover/cur...

What's the matter babe you haven't hung up the bejazzled hip-hop bulldog canvas I got you for your birthday over the mantelpiece?

Truly, it was like renaissance Florence, but with more chain belts, skinny jeans tucked in boots and poker straight hair. A joy to be alive 🥂

Thoughts and prayers for Napkin, he's torn his cruciate ligament and has to stay in til (at least) Tuesday when we take him for an X-ray. His vigil of forlorn meows while staring at the catflap continues 😿

As someone who loves both Pulp and Shed Seven (was at the O2 last night and Scala recently) this is EXACTLY how people react when I talk about them!! But why! Disco Down, Speakeasy and Lies are all bangers for the ages. It is possible to appreciate both Jarvis and Rick on their own merits!!!

Never thought I'd read anything actually relatable in @financialtimes.com magnificent HTSI supplement, but turns out the creative director of Christian Dior make-up and I have something in common! #snackattack

TWO faux Italian songs in a year?? This is the opposite of being spoiled 🫣

Remember that time San Marino was represented by Flo Rida? I still think about that a lot. #Eurovision

Italy: Somewhere only we NO

... I give you this year's Azerbaijan entry, who have the same feature, but didn't make it through the semis, as an amuse bouche for tonight www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk1C...

It's been so busy this year I haven't had a chance to write a out #Eurovision - of course I'll tune in tonight. In the meantime, who remembers “The Calling” an 00s band where the singer's face didn't match his voice....

Science, seaside, stories: new Square Eyes is up! open.substack.com/pub/squareey...

Looks... Alright?

Britpopple #1043 🔊🟩⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ #Britpopple #Heardle @Britpopple britpopple.glitch.me

I got arrested in a library, for tippexing out all the punctuation in a book. Later, the judge warned me that anyone doing that should expect a very long sentence

I thought the "Delays possible until October" sign on roadworks meant one traffic jam could last that whole time. Would wonder about how we'd sleep in car, survive on 3 apples and a packet of fruit pastilles etc... was always relieved/delighted when it was only an hour!!

Guys I'm a hot day dessert influencer-slash-genius: behold scones, jam and *clotted cream ice cream* (it's delicious)

I tried that Dubai Chocolate... Am I just old or have people never had a Ritter Sport before?!?!??!!!

Every word of this is excellent. Please, somebody, actually do it!! Always loves London-FFM by train for work and it would be so good for family holidays too 🙏🏻🚄

Wellerman... But it's sung by cats... And it has a sick bass drop... I heard it so you have to, too open.spotify.com/track/4CNyBv...

Just took the tube at 9am on a weekday for the first time in years. Got seats all the way, including Jubilee Line and Victoria Line. OMG. Quite worried about the economy now 😬

"Deep in my heart ... I know I love chips" will always be my favourite B S Johnson quote

Meanwhile, I'm trying to work out how to claim my French/Belgian state pension in 20 years time... I paid into them and had a number 🤔 but seems nobody really knows post Brexit?

Some exciting constitutional news from this box of fresh longans (a sort of denser, less spiky lychee - never seen them before, very tasty)

Surprise present off awesome husband 😍 hélas there is no dining car on the Overground 🍽️ (if you're planning a journey that needs one, I refer you to @seatsixtyone.bsky.social )

The Diefenbaker Doctrine

Tried to translate some Japanese clock instructions but the app was still set to Italian and yeah basically I’ve created an Underworld lyric generator

Oh NO

Obviously you would take the most money? Why on earth would you do anything else? If you must, take the most money, go get a Family Office guy from Coutts or wherever, and get him to efficiently give the £900 million you don't need to UNICEF/kittens/fighting climate change/opera houses etc.???

368chickens.com argh it's 2048 all over again (my PB: 197 chickens to go)

Also it's impossible to see Jonn without thinking of tube maps... This beauty is by our front door and I can massively recommend it to anyone who relies on trains, not the underground, so the whole of South London www.jugcerovic.com/metro/london...

So great to listen to @tom-phillips.com and @jonnelledge.bsky.social last night! Turns out Armageddon is a real place and already a legend by the time the Bible was written?!? Looking forward to reading the book to find out more apocalypse facts...

So excited about this... I hear it's got meteors in it linktr.ee/endofthefcki...

Are you expecting twins? Do you know anyone in SE London who is? Make you/their lives a million times better by coming to this: www.instagram.com/stories/setw...

Jarvis... brummie accents... Just being a little bit 🤪🤔🥰🫣.... A new Square Eyes! open.substack.com/pub/squareey...

Parents' evening / School Trip / Pick up / Drop Off

Noooo where else can we go for the birthday "afternoon film and dim sum" combo 😭