ICE offering student loan forgiveness as if the knuckle dragging goons shoving landscapers into vans have a lot of that to worry about

Jane Goodall was a huge influence on my and my family. My two sons, Bongo and Chunk, are flinging poo at an 8th grade level because of her

Every republican campaign ad is some guy addressing a fake problem: If you’re tired of reanimated corpses being drafted into the ghoul army to stealing your bibles, vote for me, type shit

I made $50,000 doing woodworking projects this year, most of which came from a lawsuit I filed after losing my thumb in a table saw accident

I have nothing but respect for how willing the NFL is to put it’s insatiable greed before the narrow cultural bigotries of its most devout fans

To be fair, being consistently told things that don’t match with objective facts is the baseline conservative experience

They’re never going back after getting a taste of true fascism and the nominal opposition party cant even bring itself to call this what it really is let alone offer a compelling alternative or meaningful resistance. We are well and truly fucked

Just saw One Battle After Another. Really incredible movie. Easily PTA’s funniest and his most exhilarating since Boogie Nights

RFK: [sounding like car wash vacuum catching rubber floor mat]: The evidence is overwhelming that ADHD is caused by…eh…fuck it, Tums. It’s caused by Tums. Who gives a shit

Got raptured. It’s me, Karl Marx, and a bunch of trans people. If you’re still on earth, looks like you backed the wrong fucking horse

Glad we’re getting back to traditional treatments for pregnancy related pain, like the grain alcohol RFK and Trump’s moms both drank daily

I’ve never rooted for a rapture so strongly as I am this time around. Please God, free us from these self-righteous, ignorant fuckwads as soon as possible

The only Spoon album listed as “essential” on Apple Music is Kill the Moonlight when there’s at least two other ones that should be on there

"We have to cancel kristallnacht 2.0 because the guy was one of the people we were grooming to take part in it" is a heck of a twist to be sure

Today’s immigrants should come here like my Irish great grandfather did: hidden in a barrel of rotten cabbage and fleeing charges of goat sodomy

Heaven Knows I’m Marketable Now

They could just make a body double using 300 odd pounds of moldering ham chunks and I don’t think most people would notice

What’s the opposite of going to church and lighting a candle for someone?

About to start smoking, for my health

Old timey conservatives: businesses should be free from government interference Modern conservatives: we should force every family restaurant to have at least one slur in its name

My kid’s 3rd grade class is just 22 little boys named Wyatt

Shutting down the mRNA program and needlessly scrapping two carbon monitoring satellites is just death cult shit

Pretty telling that MAGA Republicans, a group that claims to be animated in large part by a desire to root out child molesters, is most reluctant to see some actual evidence here

Walters pictured here after emerging from “epic jack sesh” in taxpayer funded goon cave oklahomavoice.com/2025/07/29/s...

Same. My enemies are always breaking into my office to stream big bush porn on the TV in there for Reasons

This is fun and all but I’m certain that as soon as the evidence finally comes out the champions of morality and tradition values—who have been on a crusade for years to root out a cabal of leftist pedophiles—will find a way to excuse away child rape

Karl Urban’s agent: I have a new project for you Karl Urban: Is it total schlock? You know I appear in mindless dreck, real brain dead garbage

You Know I Had to Dune It to Em

Precipitation experts say the water falling from the sky is rain, but some moisture skeptics on the right disagree

As with so many other issues, it would great if we had an actual opposition party vocally supporting policies consistent with the preferences of the vast majority of the country!

They’re calling for a seismic shift in the way of life of millions wherein ignoble city-dwellers will be transformed into virtuous agrarians, a cultural revolution, if you will

He uses “thank you for your attention to this matter” because it’s a common valediction at the end of demand letters and he thinks it has some legal significance

A new party to give us our freedom back founded by the non-Trump person most responsible for them being taken in the first place

What the last 5 months has shown is elites in media, the Democratic Party, universities, and business find open fascism far more preferable to the possibility of even a nascent, tepid move to the left

If it were me, I just wouldn’t go back to that fucked up dinosaur island

Picked the wrong week to finally publish in my piece entitled Amy Coney Barrett is a Secret Moderate Who Should Be Embraced By Liberals

Don’t worry. Nationwide injunctions will go back to being constitutional if a democrat is ever allowed to be president again. They’re only unconstitutional when used now to stop this president from blatantly violating the constitution to kidnap children

With Toby Keith rotting in hell, a bourbon-soaked Morgan Wallen prepares to racistly put pen to paper

Can’t believe I’m living through this same dumb fuck Middle East war cycle again: brain dead president surrounded by bloodthirsty cowards, incredulous media eager to show stuff blowing up, and spineless, acquiescent dems giving the whole shitty enterprise a bipartisan gloss

As a big fan of his I think it would be super epic and based if he personally tested the next rocket

Can’t believe Trump cancelled Juneteenth and instead designated tomorrow as a day to honor General Lee (the car from Dukes of Hazard, not the guy)

What do you even say about a supposed opposition party that, in the midst of all this, can’t muster a coherent, compelling message, and whose strategy appears to be to cravenly wait it out?

Becoming a guy who’s really into Medieval Times but just for the food

People on book TikTok will post things like “Here are three 10/10 books for me” and its the Brothers Karamazov, East of Eden, and The Hunger Games

Why anyone like Blackstone grills is beyond me, like give me a cast iron that gets rained on so I can have the pleasure of making fried rice outside

You guys, if you’re going to get into pegging, take appropriate safety precautions

My son’s getting baptized at Buffalo Wild Wings tomorrow if anyone wants to come through

“Oh, SpongeBob!”

They say you should swim parallel to the shore if caught in a riptide but I’m confident I could pull it off perpendicular no problem