Weird. Stylist Law Roach just told me my parents are getting divorced

scrawny 18-year-old about to fall out of an army helicopter over tehran: this is so epic. this is totally sigma, right babe? AI e-girl operated by a balding intelligence officer in virginia: that's right baby, Iran is totally cringe

You see, the free market is when three jerk offs own all media and compete to see who can out-Nazi the other two guys

How dare this man wield the hammer of our nation’s most revered slave master?

My state of the union prediction is that he’s gonna shit his pants at least once, prompting a crew of dipshit podcasters and Nazi sycophants to quickly change him NASCAR style

Yes, it can. I suggest he speak extemporaneously for at least 5 hours. Maybe complain at length about how Snooky from Jersey Shore was rude to him once

And that sound is Country Bear Jamboree But English

I see the Olympics bowed to woke pressure and added a biathlon

Some unfortunate Italian hotel couch is really in for it tonight

Purely speculative instrument somehow losing value!

We’re like a week away from someone on here saying that unless you torched a nursing home full of Trump voters you didn’t do enough to support Kamala and are therefore responsible for all this

we stand with don lemon and the entire lemon party

Democrats, making a first offer on a 15 year old Kia sedan the owner is desperate to get rid of: We'll give you $140,000 and a rimjob, and not a penny more, unless you want more

Every time he does this, does he bring his family? Like guy just leaves his ugly wife and chud kids at home to freeze?

Will anyone look into the fact the president, by multiple accounts, smells like a sack of necrotic tissue with halitosis? Probably not

[Hundreds of people who never changed the default profile pic on here being marching into a giant human incinerator]: it’s time to release the full Epstein files now!

Every day is whiskey Friday with Tony Dokoupil when you’re an alcoholic

If only this country had an opposition party that could organize people and present a coherent vision for a better future. Seems like this widespread disgust could be channeled into electoral success

Who could have foreseen that giving a bunch of violent racist dimwits total impunity would turn out so badly

Absolutely useless opposition party full of feckless cowards

How’s everyone in “the military will refuse unlawful orders” camp feeling this morning now that the 19-year-olds raised on Call of Duty who signed up to do precisely this didn’t bravely stand down?

The idea that we can charge a foreign president with crimes in a US court is hilariously hypocritical given the Supreme Court held our president is immune from most criminal prosecutions

Wait, so it’s possible for another country to remove a president and make him stand trial for his many crimes?

Posting “nerd alert!” under everyone’s yearly book wrap-ups

This new season of Stranger Things really makes you think, mainly about why it took so long to write this dogshit

Always funny to see how little the defenders of Real American Values know about its history and culture

He should be on tv every night

Spotify: …and on May 17th, you were riding high on a wave of poptimism that crested multiple plays of Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and Sabrina Carpenter… Apple Music: This year you, I don’t know, probably listened to the Beatles? Who gives a shit. We’re all going to die someday

Congratulations to this ignorant, self-entitled, mean-spirited dolt on her lucrative new job in the rightwing crybaby sphere

I mainly defend corporations in my practice but I do a really bad job as a form of resistance

This should be a cautionary for anyone hiring a lawyer based on how much they want to fuck them or on how much that lawyer looks like the daughter they also want to fuck

Gonna skip frying a turkey and just burn down part of the garage

Learning important things about literature over on TikTok

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good boy with a guy

Lol he totally killed that guy

After their resounding victory in Tuesday’s elections, the Democrats had no choice but to surrender.

Folding in negotiations and receiving nothing in return after a significant victory is the Democratic Party I know

You should have to know scary people to bet on sports. Draftkings isn’t going to show up at your mom’s house on thanksgiving and threaten to break your legs and frankly that’s the problem

The main thing to remember about Dick Chaney is he was such an evil piece of shit that when he shot another guy in the face that guy apologized to him

The left loves to talk about representation but a member of the moronic alcoholic community gets a seat on the supreme court and all of a sudden we’re tone policing

So far tonight there’s even fewer trick or treaters than last night. Do people only care about it on Halloween now?

Baseball is the most likely place in sports to hear/see someone described as a “real class act”

Forgot to get candy so each kid is getting a single page torn out of Blood Meridian

Me [seeing Growing Up Millennial category on Netflix] ugh, bullshit nostalgia 2 minutes later Me: A lot of good movies on here. Golden Age of Cinema, really

Been such a shit year this is objectively the best thing that’s happened

We’re almost there, guys. Just keep posting data from the bureau of labor statistics and eventually conservatives will be broken on the wheel of logic

A portion of the electorate needs to feel some pain. You can’t consistently vote for the anti-government party and expect your opponent—the only party that still assumes some duty to govern responsibly—to bail you out

Everyone is talking about how ICE can’t find new recruits because they’re too fat but those reports overlook how many guys they have to can for constantly googling some variation of “Goku nude”

A line of cars including an ambulance with sirens blaring as I try and fail for the 4th time to reverse park my Ford F350 in the handicap spot in front of the rub and tug