woke: national hot dog day bespoke:

I am huffing nitrous oxide for its psychoactive properties while listening to some new wave music with my silly lookin dog (Doing whip-its to Whip It with my whippet)

I spent actual money for a veterinary professional to diagnose my cat with “mommy issues”

The urge to become a Van Guy rises exponentially after 30

Absolute dominance. All hail our lord and saviour, Joey Chestnut 👑 www.espn.com/espn/story/_...

its not piss! Theyre the new style thecalicocutpants.com

Happy ALL COUNTRIES MATTER day to everybody except that one country

Hurting your wrist from spending all day skipping rocks at the beach is like the white dude’s version of a golden retriever that wags its tail so hard it starts bleeding

Being a train driver is probably amazing because you can just smash shit into other shit in the yard all night and nobody can stop you. My job doesn’t even let me slam one single thing ever and these guys are out there every night

The only thing that can make SoftBank’s sudden obsession with eggs make sense is that somebody thought the pitch was for Artificial Insemination

yea my dad was right, all that stupid stuff built a ton of character, it was worth it for all the character I have now

Oh my god they arrested the algae

🥬🥬🥬

Coin update (for Canada): Eliminate nickels, dimes, and quarters. Introduce a 20c coin. Throw a beaver on it. Eliminate the $5 bill, add $5 coin called the Goosey. Then in a couple years when we’ve been fucked by inflation some more, replace the $10 bill with the Moosey.

This is exactly what would happen if they made the grover house guy fix the cesspool. Somehow I know he’s involved

It’s wild that in 2026 the 2 main issues with “enemy of the state” (1998) are that the surveillance state is way worse than the writers could have ever imagined and that will smith could go a whole movie without slapping chris rock back then

“Benny and the Jets” is about taking too many allergy pills and thinking the airplanes are going to fall on top of your head

going to a ren fair and doing the "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government" bit to every guy dressed as a knight until I get my ass kicked

I love how even statues of Winston look like he was left out of the fridge a bit too long

I wonder how much nail polish remover it takes to dissolve all the structural chassis plastic in a cybertruck

We should elect a Mare this year. Think about how cool a horse would look wearing the robe with that bigass gold chain

The more random wires are hanging from the ceiling, the better the food will be

so it turns out "agentic AI integration" really just means "a semi-literate guy mashes keys until a curl command works" very normal economy we got

they should really give more high school dropouts powerful RWD cars with dogshit handling because it’s funny when they do the thing

It would be way cooler if Canada could be European (Irish) but instead it looks like we’re gonna have to be European (Belgian) which kinda sucks

Welcome back, David Hahn

Three cups of coffee and all the oatmeal 12 bucks gets me. So like 5 kilos of oatmeal, at least a couple months worth. I’ll still participate in the waffle house themed fight though

bread settlement etransfer just came in, I’m filthy rich!

if canada was serious about the metric system, we'd force subway to call them "15cm" and "30cm" sandwiches

Putting that 6% milk in my tea

Watching Ubuntu just fall apart like the bluesmobile has made me appreciate Debian’s boringness even more 🍥

Maybe we should just sink all the cruise ships

Get a radio scanner! You can listen to: * truckers complaining * 65 y/o nerds complaining * taxi drivers complaining * mall cops complaining * commercial pilots complaining * tug boat drivers complaining * air traffic control not complaining * incoherent children with walkies * bad weather forecasts

Fifteen years ago I went to the “never gonna give you up” Wikipedia page on my father’s iPhone and pressed the “add bookmark to Home Screen” button. To this day, that is how my very technologically adept dad goes to Wikipedia. Guy gets rickrolled on a near daily basis and has for over a decade

If one was to take my local ham radio guys seriously, you’d be told retrofitting a wood gas extraction system onto a 1960s Chevy small block v8 was the sensible and logical solution to a fuel shortage.

Dental surgery is like doing the worst edible of your life, having some dude jingle his keys against your uvula for an hour, and then your whole mouth tastes like Old Buick for the rest of the day

He’s looking like a soft boiled Chrétien

Do other people not take their shoes off at the dentist?

> go to victims of Carnunism memorial > it’s just PP

You can tell Gen X failed at the “end of history” by how we now need Billy Joel to make a new version of We Didn’t Start the Fire every two or three weeks

I made it all the way to the apocalypse without learning IPv6

Is it better or worse to be 400,000 KM away when WWIII starts?

This is what NASA is trying to hide

Artemis II mission captures first pictures of the far side of the Moon.

The only “Brent Crude” I care about