One week today until my new romcom is out! People who pre-order make better lovers, especially if they go to @bertsbooks.bsky.social bertsbooks.co.uk/product/not-...

The Eurovision liveblog snack plate is back.

Today's Eurovision hoodie is my favourite from Turin. The logo is embroidered! Look at the zip! They were never that fancy again.

It's Eurovision, so I've just done myself a fake tan. I'm not seeing anyone today, and will watch the show on my sofa in my pyjamas, but still. Standards.

Quick reminder that if you are watching the #Eurovision Grand Final tomorrow and would like some second-screen company, I'll be liveblogging for Guardian TV like the old days.

I love how Victoria gets multiple sparkly frocks to show off the family jewels, and the other guy is still wearing the same Smiffy's 1970s fancy dress costume from Tuesday #Eurovision

I hope every one of The Pointer Sisters is suing for this travesty of an interval act.

This conversation between the host and the Austrian artist is painful. I’ve seen more natural interaction in a Teams call where everyone’s on mute.

Thank you for the offer, Cyprus, but I absolutely do not want more of whatever that was.

I'd rather have root canal than watch these godawful Austrian presenters again. But I'm going in #Eurovision

If you're wondering how spectacularly bad this Eurovision interval act is, my husband is Austrian and he's left the room in shame.

I seem to watching some kind of parody Eurovision fever dream that's being broadcast to about 100 million people. Whose idea was this quiz? Was Edward Af Sillen not available?

Copies of my new romcom arrived today! It's out in two weeks and you can pre-order it from all good bookshops. Or ideally from @bertsbooks.bsky.social, which is a god tier bookshop. I'll even sign it for you! bertsbooks.co.uk/product/not-...

Exquisite metaphor of the day

PSA: since I'm not in Vienna for Eurovision this year, I'll be back doing the Guardian TV liveblog on Saturday for the first time since 2019! Bring snacks!

My husband ate some ham, so here are the four stages of Labrador drool.

Staying in a chambre d'hote in France, just had dinner with a cab driver from Essex who is so fuming about foreign immigrants in the UK that he's moving to France.

On an autoroute somewhere in the middle of France, heading north and banging out Barry Milano.

Did another mountain hike today, only one day of this trip left. Mabel is SO done with all the stupid hills.

My daughter has been sending me video clips of a fascist march that's going past her house in Plymouth today. This made me laugh.

strong chance of me revisiting my breakfast on this mountain road 🤢🤢🤢

I'm hiking in Spain, and I've just spotted a 'mythological trail' about an hour's hike from our Airbnb. It looks entirely unhinged and terrible, this has to be done, right?

Got chatting to a Texan woman in a bar in San Sebastian earlier. If I wasn't on holiday I'd be at a work conference in Dallas this week, so we both just took a moment to celebrate having great food and wine and living our best lives in Not Texas. Was nice.

Took Mabel out for Pintxos in San Sebastian. She tried everything but liked the steak best.

There is nowhere my dog won't take an IKEA toy.

Look, I'm off on a 2000 mile roadtrip on Sunday so if we could just deal the whole fuel crisis thing by then I'd be really grateful thanks.

Seeing John Hughes movies for the first time.

Very much enjoying watching my husband discussing water pressure issues with our French neighbour. Neither of them speaks the other's language so a great deal of mime is involved.

turns out that lazy assholes leave the weight bar loaded in French gyms too. Feels just like home.

Yesterday I met my French neighbour on a dog walk and asked him about the origin of his dog Uther's name. He replied with a Gallic shrug and 'Uther Pendragon, the father of King Arthur' like this was the most obvious thing in the world. Still making me laugh a day later.

Woke up today with Pony by Ginuwine stuck in my head. Not entirely convinced it's a song about horses.

My next book (out 28th May!) references a 1996 playlist, which I have made and it's back-to-back TUNES. What a year for great pop music (NB: it's Oasis free) open.spotify.com/playlist/0n4...

just watched an incredibly brazen display of shoplifting in a French supermarket. Man opened two boxes of laundry pods, shovelled most of the contents of one into the other until it was stuffed full, closed the lid and walked away. Pas de fucks given.

served my roast chicken with French fries today because I'm in France and it felt rude not to. God tier dinner, 10/10 no notes.

have driven past this restaurant several times now. Still not feeling it.

It has been a really nice day. France is lovely. The sun was glorious. Being 52 is great. Trump might be dead. Salut 🥂

Did a l'il wholesome post about French cake this morning, and all the comments are just people being lovely and truly appreciating cake. Maybe it's the answer to the flaming shitpile of an era we're living through 🥮🧁🍰🎂

today in 'can your dog ride a bicycle?' Yes, yes she can.

Cycled to the boulangerie for a baguette and accidentally bought these. Oops.

Fully committing to my month living in France. Have been honked at by an angry man in a Renault for forgetting the weird rule about giving way to traffic joining from the right, AND this morning I cycled to the boulangerie and successfully held a conversation that resulted in bread. Allez-moi!

I'm in France for a month so I just joined a gym. For 40 Euros I got decent kit, weights put away and a bunch of strangers welcoming me like a long-lost relative. Going back to Puregym is going to be grim.

for some reason the house I'm staying in in France has a 2008 Argos catalogue. I will not leaving this bed until I've chosen my new phone.

Made a sausage and egg muffin. Breakfast of queens 👸

But weird but sure why not

people who don't put their weights back in the gym. I'm not your mum, tidy your shit away.

My husband has been asked to do some work on his brother's house in France - and since my job allows me to work from anywhere in the world for a month, we're off to France next Saturday. I have found a local gym and somewhere to get my nails done, so all the important stuff is covered.

very disturbing story, written by the brilliant @katiedd.bsky.social

Am declaring Pimms season officially open. You're welcome.

Break Free by Ariana Grande. I sing it all the time in my car but DAMN that chorus gets high.

Finally on Spotify and straight on my gym playlist 🇬🇪