They're gonna show us the video of all the vandals and they're all gonna have six fingers and their knees will bend the wrong way and he's gonna be like "look they're vandals it says 'vandals' right here in times new roman on their face"

"Greenwater Services" is not as good as "Four Seasons Total Landscaping" but is on par with "Fraud Guarantee," 7/10 stars.

"Don't put in the newspaper I was desperate"

Listen. If we can definitely not fake a birth certificate for Obama (WINK) I feel like we could prove that Mayor Mamdani here was born in Arkansas or something.

This dumb fuck has heard the term "treaty of Versailles," thought it sounded classy, and rolled it through, didn't he.

The zoom out from them pouring 1-gallon bottles into one corner to the entire vast pool is funnier than 90% of sitcoms.

If these guys just run out the clock and go home at midnight all "oh we couldn't finish the scaffolding" I don't think I can adequately describe the rage of a federal judge who has been (a) disobeyed and (b) dragged into work on a fucking Saturday. Somebody's getting a free weekend in a cell.

This is a simply egregious amount of scaffolding

This is simply the most scaffolding

If this Kennedy center thing goes past midnight, the court should order the letters to be removed in a specific order for maximum screencappage. I humbly submit: HE DO A D UMP

So sorry, "they" want Ireland back from WHOMST?

I literally had to look twice to make sure this wasn't the onion.

The Ellisons' plot with CBS was not to create another Fox News. They already have a Fox News. It was a public execution. Loud, bloody, in the middle of the street. A gift to Trump, who has the power to favor their REAL interests, the ones that count success in trillions, not billions.

Scott Pelley and Stephen Colbert should start a show where they just dunk on CBS/Paramount/the Ellisons for like a couple hours every week. Rotating guests, just absolutely obliterate them. Put it on Netflix, they hate Paramount's guts too.

Oh, they will. He probably won't, though.

@darth are you aware of the Wishbone documentary

We talked to six felons at a klan rally and here's what they told us about oil policy.

This needs to be Democrats' messaging twenty-four fucking hours a day. "Oh he said he's gonna nuke Fresno? Don't care, did you see how much fuckin LETTUCE costs now?"

He was not asleep @darthbluesky.bsky.social

If every dem politician running in every race doesn’t have the first part of this clipped and ready to post every single day by now, we are cooked as a party.

This is like the transgender surgeries in school thing - he can’t actually conceive that someone would be angry at what is actually happening so he invents an insane thing that would make people angry if it were happening, which, again, it is not.

Happy John Brown’s Birthday to all who celebrate.

At this point we are mere weeks away from a literal emperor's new clothes situation and I for one simply must go on the record as: anti.

Why in the fuck do we all treat this man like he won a "be the president" contest? "We'll do the best we can"??!?! If Obama had responded like this to a potential pandemic he'd have been filleted by the press, even BEFORE WE HAD A PANDEMIC. Jesus. We're so fucked.

This kind of growth makes sense if you apply this new analytical model I invented where I just assume everyone is lying 100% of the time.

How come New York gets cool Mr. Rogers and LA is choosing between a serial fuckup and That Guy From That Show who couldn't be fucked to get homeowners and runs around yelling slurs? Go vote for Nithya Raman, Angelenos. No, she isn't this guy, but maybe he'll come visit her.

Rudy Giuliani would have been ok but in a tragic but understandable error he was taken to Johns Hopkins Total Landscaping, costing valuable time.

Ok but if he did identify the lion wrong, who would tell him? How do we actually know he's even passing the "is your brain mostly mashed potatoes" test?

🎶call JJ Weatherholt, 877 cash now 🎶

He’s gonna go with the “well it’s just a repost” bit and everyone will let him.

Guys did you know they use these boots for KICKING?

Everybody gather 'round, the genius is disrupting the cross-examination space.

That he wrote it isn’t that remarkable, he’s a narcissist, they do shit like this. That the government no longer has any lawyers who will stop him from doing shit like this is alarming. Whoever put this over their signature should be rule 11’ed to hell and back as a warning to others.

I just need to make sure someone says it once for posterity: we are spiking clean, renewable, cheap, on-shore energy during a time of unprecedented global tumult because one time the president could see a windmill from the private golf course he owns, and it enraged him.

Guys does anyone know if Wolf Blitzer saw anything at the WHCA? He’s being very coy about sharing his experience.

I'm just saying, if you want to change a subject, shooting at a room full of narcissists with TV shows isn't the WORST way to do it. Wolf Blitzer's gonna dine out on this for the next 20 years.

the other possibility is that somebody went with the 2A pocket square instead

I swear to fuck if I hear one more idiot talking about Erika Kirk right now I’m gonna snap.

Oh Jesus a near death experience at the annual gathering of the pay attention to me club, we’re gonna be hearing about this shit until the heat death of the universe. Can’t wait to hear what’s on the bullets this time.

John Phelan was a billionaire with no military experience, what the fuck?

I know this political moment sucks in many ways but I will say “when they go low we go high” to “wah wah wah” is a transition I can personally get behind.

RFK Jr. is what happens when you let that weird guy everyone avoids at parties run the government.

Is there like a staffer whose job it is to scour obscure academic papers for inclusive language that isn’t about trans people so these guys can rant about “inclusive language” without saying out loud that they’re almost always talking about trans people?

Fuckin governor “you don’t have to live like this” over here

A+ headline. defector.com/president-ex...

How long before the president posts a critique of the pope’s ratings?

A thing that is notable about this Trumpy Jesus thing is the degree to which cable news feels quite unconstrained in making relentless fun of him for it. That's (a) something that's been markedly absent from coverage of this second term and (b) gonna make him lose what's left of his shit.

Guys can the astronauts just run for president? Just like a co-president situation? Maybe not the Canadian one (sorry my guy) but the rest of them? It really just seems like it would solve all of the problems.