You're kidnapped. The characters from the last show you watched are coming to rescue you.

Good evening, is it bedtime yet?

It would appear I have accidentally spent the weekend making oxtail jelly.

The best thing about Ireland winning is that somewhere out there, Viktor Orban is a raging, crying mess, leaving voicemails for Trump to make FIFA let Hungary play in the World Cup anyway.

36 packets of Walkers crisps I'd ordered from the UK have been intercepted by customs and sent back. The NikNaks and Monster Munch made it through 18 months ago. Blatant crisp discrimination by the Zoll.

Giz a go. I can do that. I can agitate bond markets, me. Giz a go.

IN THE TOWN WHERE I WAS BORN LIVED A CAT WHO FELL IN THE BATH That's it. That's the skeet. (If a testicle is severed cleanly by, say, a scalpel, or a cat claw, you can re-attach it, right?)

get in losers we're Fitzgeraldposting

Laaaaaaange Katze.

That should be chalked off for the haircut alone.

Is there anything better than beating Cologne like a gong? Oh yeah, beating Cologne like a gong and moving out of the relegation places due to that.

The Two Cultures

The older cat has, after 14 1/2 years of hissing and spitting, decided that being picked up for cuddles is by and large okay actually.

Is there a club for people who want to make a soup but it turns out to be a stew? Because I feel like I should be at least the vice president or something.

Total cultural victory for white boy millennials as I sit in a Michelin star restaurant and eat a buffalo chicken burger while a playlist of 90s East Coast hip hop plays in the background.

No-one knows what it's like To be Betriebsrat In Nuremberg After Feierabend

So you got a business trip. Your usual "affordable but comfy" hotel is full up. So you book the [brand name withheld], aware that your employer will not look kindly on the costs of anything beyond your usual "If it weren't for the Hauptbahnhofsjunkies this place would cost triple" place.

Dann wollen wir mal wieder nach Nürnberg um ein paar Fragen zu klären, wie zB "darf ich einen Betriebsratsvorsitzenden rausschmeißen wenn ich auf meine Mutter schwör ich hatte vor seiner Wahl schon vor ihn rauszuschmeißen?"

Pro-tip: Never do press conferences after you've just done some uppers:

How the cat thinks she looks after beating the shit out of my shirts hanging from the clothes rack.

He's gonna end up fighting all three of them before the weekend is over. Possibly all at once.

"Meine Generation liest ja Bücher statt Konsole zu spielen" sagt die Dame neben mir. Ihr Buch:

Off to Nuremberg to lead tomorrow's works assembly as vice-chair of the works council, like some character out of a Ken Loach film. Can I get a bunch of German sales guys to chant "The workers united will never be defeated"? We shall find out.

I hope that somewhere out there, @t0nyyates.bsky.social is watching Liverpool with the same glee with which I watched United earlier.

It's ok that we're not following the trend of trying to be best at corners, but it would be nice if we weren't quite so crap at corners.

That refcam is horrendous. "Millions of people watch these matches, how funny would it be if we gave them all motion sickness at the same time?"

I'm having lots of fun watching this, can only imagine the fun @t0nyyates.bsky.social is having.

Yes the ads are bad ("talk to your doctor if [medication name] causes genital rash or anal bleeding"), but the worst thing about watching the footie via US streams has to be the pronounciation of the Premier League as the "pray-meer league".

I always remember when Anne Robinson tried to do her school ma’am act on Ricky Hatton on Celebrity Weakest Link. AR: “Ricky - you were the weakest link in that round. Why do you think that is?” RH: “Probably because I get punched in the head for a living, Anne.”

We're gonna win the league, winning all 38 games, and they're all gonna be like this

CAN WE FUCKING SCORE PLEASE

Breeze

We’re frogs in the pot about this, I think. We’re so hardened to eliminationist, fascist rhetoric from the right that it hardly makes a dent when a prominent host on a major network suggests exterminating a large group of people. But he did. And nobody on modern Right gives a shit.

ANN ARBOR PLEASE BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ROCKY! HE IS A BLACK GREYHOUND WITH WHITE IN HIS FACE AND HE IS SO IMPORTANT. PLEASE BOOST TO GET THIS OUT. PLEASE WE LOVE ROCKY SO MUCH!

The ITV commentator is like "I'm sure Thomas Tuchel will see lots of positives" and boy does somebody not know Thomas Tuchel.

When was the last time United went into a Manchester derby ahead of City in the table?

I see Douglas Carswell is desperately trying to regain the "Worst Clacton MP Ever" crown.

There's days on which I can't quite believe what a doddle I'm getting a pretty decent salary for, and there's days on which I remember that it's for days like this.

Was hoping for Leverkusen or Dortmund away, but if the date of the Frankfurt away game is favourable, I might just head there...

Hallo, ich bin der stellvertretende Vorsitzende, ich sitze stellvertretend im Fort.

The one-man ultras block of FV Illertissen is surely living it up tonight. www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnLw...

As a goalkeeper, I broke a guy's leg. We fucked up our kick-off, they played a long ball over the top, we're both racing for the ball, and I got there first and then got him after. And I've never felt so bad, and his team mates had to drag me away because he was cursing me and I kept saying sorry.

It's always sweet-but-awkward when you cook for guests and they're like "you should be doing that professionally" because they clearly enjoyed their food, but they also clearly have never been anywhere near actual professionals.

Lucho has to be the first ever player who I hope does well at Bayern.

Not the impression I got touring the country last month, but if it all does kick off and the cops really are against him, can somebody please kick Mr Hannan in the balls from me and say "Dennis sends his regards"? Much appreciated.

OMG he's stolen my dad's ugliest tie!

@huly.bsky.social Is this one of those things where one can Anzeige erstatten, and it actually means the guy's in deep shit if he ever decides to trouble our shores?

The penalty call for England is an elaborate scheme by the ref to make me feel sorry for an Italy team, and you can't convince me otherwise.