Necromancer: good relations with the dead, I have Me: ew

Actually wild that Ben 10 won by giving the Nazi Aliens free health care.

Adding "if you believe such things" to the end of all statements this year so I sound cool an mysterious. "Went an bought a book yesterday, if you believe such things."

Whenever the Council binds me with Geas, I just hire someone to wipe my memories of what I'm compelled to do. Cheap workaround. Now the council has to Geas me twice. One to not try and forget the Geas. One to not piss on them. I've cost the council thousands this way. Stimulates the economy.

bribing my doctor for better results at my exam

What makes me a good cult leader is that I am always morally right and do the right thing.

🐍It is I Abraxis keeper of the Final Incantation Me: Is it Abrakadabra? 🐍A single forbidden word,the undoing of all magic Me: Its Abracadabra 🐍Known only to me, not even Xacarba, hewn from my flesh Me: Abracadabra 🐍The word is a twisted form of my name, but I'll never tell Me: Its Abracadbra

Yeah Sealing your Name to become unkillable sounds good, but then you try to apply for a small business loan and everyone starts screaming at you

Using my Orb to scry on your Orb, because yours has better reception

Casual Witchcraft implies the existence of ranked, Competitive Witchcraft

Alchemy and Necromancy have their Pinicle Arts making you immortal but nearly every other magical tradition caps out at "turn anything I want into sludge" for some reason.

Dark lords would have much better PR if they weren't so fixated on having an edgy aestetic.

a grinch is the offspring of a who and a sneetch. and like a mule, is genetically sterile

My relationship with Santa Claus

The evil gods that made this world giving me those Demi-urges

Irony is like geology. There are layers, and you can strip mine it.

So this jolly jester (Santa Claus), who you hardly know, can break into your house once a year. And you leave food out for him. This is welcomed. But if I, your friend of many years, teleports into your house, this is "disrespectful" and "an invasion of privacy"

My brain when it get dark and cold.

interrupting the ghost of christmas present mid-lesson to expound on the national security implications of his remote viewing abilities

Due to Infernal Inflation, we will now be requiring your second-born child also. That's just good business.

Reading #Homestuck for the first time and..

When he comes down my chimney, fooled by my simulacrums good behavior, hes finally going to get whats coming to him. That being, a swift beating and a clockwork orange style reducation on personal boundaries and international privacy law.

"Sees you when your sleeping, knows when you're awake" Thats what you think Santa, I have lined my house with lead and warded it against scrying. Youre only going to see what I want you see: my simulacrum doing good deeds to get me on the Nice list.

Sorry, I dont quite understand. Could you explain it again in veiled occult metaphor, as though revealed through a dream?

Making the Queen Bee 👑🐝 your Familiar DOES NOT confer control of the rest of the bees 🐝 The rest of the bees 🐝 WILL NOT LIKE IT that you have done this to their queen 👑 They WILL ATTEMPT VIOLENCE against you with the little envenomed swords they have 🗡🐝 I RECOMEND YOU DO NOT DO THIS.

I thought i discovered an entirely forgotten school of magic. Unknown methods in an unknown script. Turns out it was just in French. Foiled again.

I have trained the Council Elders to add "nothing bad :)" to any summons for me. Once I told them that excluding it triggers the curse of my bloodline (anxiety) they have been quite accomidating.

My Familiar forbids me from continuing my studies, who am I to object?

The best part of a terminal diagnosis is unlocking all the medications with long-long term side effects. Dr: "This will make you feel good, but in 3 years will turn your bones inside out. Luckily for you thats not a problem." Me: "nice :3 "

I thought using Time magic to become my Rivals grandfather would be a cool flex of my arcane mastery, but all it has done is ruin Christmas.

dont worry about your unfinished business. we'll fix it in ghost

The Prophecies writ in the Stars lack basic security measures. I was able to decript them easily. With some well timed satellites I have inserted myself in over six dozen ordaned futures. I receive calls to Adventure almost daily, and am both destined to destroy this nation, and doomed to save it.

"With my might I defy the Gravity of an entire planet" I say as I pick up the pencil I dropped off the floor

I have been informed he may have just been French.

I only respond to summons

Reading #Homestuck for the first time Really glad they explained the role the goo-bucket-man plays in the troll lifecycle. It means there is a biological imperative that these trolls must hang out with people they hate, so they have the goo. As upsetting as it is this is good world building.

"Its not a Potato its an apple with an Earth Affinity. I dont even know what a potato is." Then I pulled out my gun and shot that occult botanist dead, because I will not tolerate this flavor of nonsense on my estate

you can now support me online! not monetarily. just like encouraging words are good

If your arguing with your familiar and they open with "you're my master, But" you know you are in for the most brutal shutdown you've ever seen

If the Devil didn't want me to own this Devil-killing gun he shouldn't have sold me this Devil-killing gun.

sometimes you just can’t manifest

Friendship is a powerful magical component but just try getting it of your friends with a juicer. Not. Easy.

Some of you have forgotten the fundamentals

The worst part of casting spells is that its really difficult to do actually

the world is growing smaller every day, said the mouse. at first it was so big that I was afraid, but these long walls have narrowed so quickly, and I am in the last chamber already, and there stands the trap that I am running into you only need to change your direction, said the cat. and ate it up

I only take on Apprentices with experience working in retail. Anyone can learn spells, but the ability to handle unreasonable requests (from me) while under the threat of violence (also from me) is not something that can be taught.

I do not recommend truesight. I did not need to know how many wild animals were actually cursed humans and I wish I could purge what I have seen from my mind.

nuclear armed sovereign citizen

Necromancer? I barely know her!