It’s a strange world that has fingers crossed for the weirdly specific scenario that Tucker Carlson raises a daughter like Liz Cheney.

Pic doesn’t do justice to how many seniors come out weekly to protest at this intersection. They’re also on other corners. #Baltimore

It’s International Stress Awareness Week! I don’t know about you, but I am aware.

This evening, my dog slammed my laptop shut with a paw and said, “Neither time nor kibble is a construct.”

Just a quick note to say my 9yo son and I now wear the same shoe size.

I’m embarrassed to say I don’t remember Mr. Rooter’s first name.

My dog kept tiptoeing downstairs in the pitch black last night — he usually sleeps like a 10-pound rock. I heard him go again and followed, bracing for an intruder, a fire, a cocaine bear. But in fact, he was inspecting the empty timed feeder I’d brought out of storage to check the batteries

Dear Republicans, it’s not “joking” if you actually mean it. Instead, it’s called “laughing.” Examples of the distinction between “joking” and “laughing” include Scar and Chucky.

ONE place had a “kids’ martini” — really a Shirley Temple — and now my 8yo marches into every establishment, like “Can I get a martini or?”

Almost every day, someone points at my Yorkie mix and asks his age and I say nine, and they go, “What?? But he’s so little!” and I’ve legitimately become curious if everyone knows how small dogs work. 👀

The “out of control” people of Portland:

That thing happened where a stranger waved …. at someone behind me why does this always feel like a small death? 🤣

Travel dental floss: Because the only thing stopping people from flossing on vacation is the gi-normous container.

This is my first literal fluff piece! 🤣 It’s the featured story on the site today. Many thanks to @nextavenue.bsky.social! Link in comments. #dogs

Wait wut www.washingtonpost.com/climate-envi...

My neuro-divergent child has once again cracked himself up singing, “Self-control to Major Tom, Self-control to Major Tom…THIS IS SELF CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM!!”

Exciting upgrades to the First Amendment include replacing free speech with luxury options, like $100k Whisper Status and our fabulous $1 million Gold Visa Chatterbox Package!

Imagine a bunch of white guys from a factory town in the Rust Belt who do the total opposite of blaming their community’s problems on women’s lib or whatever and THAT’s the amazing documentary about Devo! Info in comments. #Devo

Oscar Nuñez joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this Wednesday - and we want to hear your WORST FAMILY OUTINGS. Whether it’s a nice dinner gone wrong or a vacation from hell, fill out the Google Form in my bio or leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604

What do we all need right now? Probably some “poems” crafted from Nextdoor posts! Many thanks to @identitytheory.bsky.social for featuring #satire www.identitytheory.com/unexpected-p...

Unfortunately, this only encourages my benign neglect style of plant parenting.

What do we all need right now? Probably some “poems” crafted from Nextdoor posts! Many thanks to @identitytheory.bsky.social for featuring #satire www.identitytheory.com/unexpected-p...

"FREE couch! It could be totally wild." Read "The Unexpected Poetry of NextDoor Digest" by @keflann.bsky.social

Cocaine is a hell of a drug… for rich people on vacation.

Have we ruled out that JD Vance is an energy vampire? apnews.com/article/jd-v...

If it’s true, I’ll pledge the rest of my days on old Earth to approaching random evangelicals and saying, “Have you heard about the good news?”

This is his signature move now? Vance on climate change: “The bees should show more gratitude that a few still live in the United States.”

I passed a white-haired couple on the street, and she referred to her husband as Dickhead. They were quite warm and genial with one another. She was just like “Come on, Dickhead, let’s go home” as if that were his name — Dickhead. #couplegoals

I don’t know who needs to hear this today but if your child constantly requests “Mr. Roboto” by Styx in the car, it’s okay to go around singing, “Secret, secret. I’ve got a secret.”

The problem with being married to a horror fan is that you can’t have even have a normal conversation about the Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy you got in 3rd grade that’s waiting in the closet to become the host for a dead serial killer.

Did anyone else receive this masterpiece in the mail addressed to “Current Resident?” According to the introduction, it will help put to rest the struggle that is raging in my own heart, so I guess this is it — I’ll finally decide whether to cut down on cheese or be happy.

Just another morning walking the dog and thinking if I were a scientist headed out to the lab, I’d make sure to say “Scientists gonna science!”

I can’t decide— Environmental Perpetrators Agency? Environmental Pricks Agency?

Just another morning walking the dog and thinking if hate is like a steroid that turns people into rabid sacks of shrunk-nuts, then maybe a controlled, medicinal dose of it relieves our inflammatory response, so long as we stop it before we get acne and hypertension.

I guess this is the stage in our messed up timeline where “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp” comes true.

Maybe there should be a word for the 99% who are not influencers. I don’t know. Maintain-eers?

Yes, the sunscreen is burning my eye, but it’s all going to be worth it when my lacrimal caruncle produces a saltwater pearl.

If you’ve never spoken out loud the same thing you’re saying in a dream, you’re really missing out on the Dolby TrueHD surround sound experience.

Introverts when any kind-hearted person says, “I see you”

Just another morning walking my dog and thinking the reason English is hard is that a U-turn is called a “U-ey” and the opposite of a selfie should also be a “U-ey.”

That thing where your 8yo goes quiet in the backseat for Yacht Rock: “I’m just grooving.” www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMn...

I’ve never cheated, but I know my spouse would struggle with whether it was the affair or the interest in Coldplay that was more gutting.

A lifelong Republican speaks out! My latest for Weekly Humorist #humor @weeklyhumorist.bsky.social

A lifelong Republican speaks out! My latest for Weekly Humorist #humor @weeklyhumorist.bsky.social

I don’t know who needs to hear this today but my dog leaves a little pee in his bestie’s yard every morning, which we call urgent pee-mail.

My houseplants looking out the window during the thunderstorm.

They misspelled a word — I believe it should be E-N-A-B-L-I-N-G

It’s a curious quirk of the English language that there’s no word for the weird stuff you see birds and people doing at 6am because you’re walking your dog to beat the heat and you’re slow because you’re a night person and you’re not going to bed any earlier all summer.

What’s going on with my ‘tools,’ and in some cases, ‘knobs?’”