The Churel

Little tip for you- if you’re unloading a dishwasher at somebody else’s house this Christmas DONT ask them where things go because it’ll take forever. Just stuff them anywhere and let them deal with it. It’s not your problem and you’re NOT their fucking slave. 😉👍

My mum got me a cookbook and next to each recipe is a ‘carcinogen scale’ telling you how likely it is you’ll get cancer from it.

Thank you the baby Jesus… for everything 🙏 💞 #christisking #christmas #manger etc

Why we never married

For one night only I’ll be presenting a series of never seen before videos followed by general Christmas related mayhem 🤪 at Rio Dalston on dec 18th. Ticket link in bio. See you there 💀 🎄

Man delivering line that he’s been practising all week at dinner party

Sunday afternoon 4pm staring into the void

Watched an ai tiktok of a person cutting a cake that looks like a cat and a pet cat who’s watching freaks out and someone in the comments said ‘this is disgusting’ and someone else underneath wrote ‘its ai’ and the first one replied ‘it doesnt make it right he’ll be traumatised’

Just the words ‘John Lewis Christmas ad’ make me want to throw myself off a fucking bridge.

Might read a book. 📕 Only joking , going to look at my phone while a shit film plays in the background that I’ve seen at least 3 times and eat sugar until the anxiety is so overwhelming I have to go to bed. 😉

Thinking about how I have to start reading another book now because I just finished one. (took me 7 months)

A lot of people have asked so just to clarify I turned down the Riyadh comedy festival on principle. I regard my comedy as art and I would never compromise my integrity for a pay check. (Couldn’t do it anyway as it clashed with a voiceover I was doing for Morrisons).

I’m sorry but there’s no way I can remember who anyone is if you release tv shows weekly. Even if it was postman pat I’d forget his name and his job. Our brains are rotted and there’s no going back so either put it all out at once or don’t bother putting it out at all.

It’s the wallpaper that’s the giveaway for me

Our equivalent of this is when Lembit Opik got off with one of the cheeky girls 🥲 🇬🇧

Radio 4 comedy panel show 🎭

Commitment Ceremony on Married At First Sight

I won’t lie I needed to hear this today lol x 💞🥰 🙏

‘We want ARE country back’ I write sarcastically in the comments, triumphantly highlighting the posters lack of education compared to mine, as I recline in my Eames chair and take a sip of steaming hot Peruvian coffee from my Rest Is Politics mug. Another opponent vanquished. 😎

We’re witnessing vintage Corbyn with this new party stuff. A man in pure flow state. Simply unplayable at this level.

Wonderful to see former friend of Jeffrey Epstein Prince Andrew at the Duchess of Kents funeral, followed by our King entertaining former friend of Jeffrey Epstein Donald trump, in order to get a trade deal arranged by former friend of Jeffrey Epstein Peter mandelson. God bless us 🩷 🇬🇧

English people really need to stop talking like Americans now it’s so fucking embarrassing. Watched a TikTok this morning of a man walking round a retail park in Ashford going on about ‘antifa’. What are you doing.

After a brilliant day with @mralistairgreen.bsky.social in the shop on Saturday, the Alistair Green(s) print is now available online! Edition of 200, all signed by both of us! Big thanks to all who came down on Saturday to meet him, we both loved it :) 👉🏻 shop.mr.bingo/products/ali...

You are exactly where you’re supposed to be right now 💞

Silly I know but one likes to imagine her majesty up in heaven smiling approvingly as patriots paint a mini roundabout at 1am. Perhaps Paddington is there too passing her a marmalade sandwich, his paw lingering on her soft feminine hand for a moment too long.. ❤️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Voxpop: the state of Britain today 🇬🇧

Annual tv industry conference

Going to start posting this comment under random TikToks regardless of the context. A recipe for pasta alla norma, a review of a yonex tennis racket, how to replace a headlight on a Mazda mx5 , doesn’t matter what.

Another successful week on bluesky.

Count yourself lucky you can still watch this one because TikTok thought it was real and banned it 😢

New hotel EXPOSED! 😡 🦁 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Well we waited 45 years for it … and Oasis at Wembley did NOT disappoint for me and the boys. From ‘live forever’ to ‘sally can wait’ they played all the hits and other ones too and we’ll be ‘mad fer* it’ for a long time to come ie we’ll remember it for years! What a night! *for

2 dog owners bumping into each other

Couple hiring a rowing boat in the park

How tom skinner tweets sound when you read them out loud

Enjoying the banter on bluesky again

My grandad actually died fighting the Spanish Armada so tonight’s England victory against Spain meant a great deal to me and his memory. Not a very ‘woke’ thing to say in certain quarters I’m sure but I’m afraid the truth doesn’t care about your feelings.

You’d never guess he just got divorced would you

Reckon I could beat Alcaraz or Sinner. Don’t get me wrong it wouldn’t be easy. Might even be a 5 setter. But in the end I’d edge the win. Why am I so sure? Little thing called life experience. Goes a long way in this game. 👍 🎾

Norrie to beat alcaraz 2-6, 3-6, 6-0, 6-0, 6-0. Sounds crazy right? Get back to me after the game and see if you’re still so sure. Doubt it somehow. 😎😉

If someone beats a British player at Wimbledon they really shouldn’t be interviewed on court afterwards. It comes across as gloating I’m afraid. Instead they should offer to withdraw so the British player can go through. It would show great sportsmanship and endear them to the British public. 👍🇬🇧

Hate to say this but if I was in the Wimbledon audience I don’t think the camera would linger on me like it does other celebrities such as David beckham or Bradley cooper. And that’s a bitter pill to swallow I can tell you that for nothing.

Asked the cafe owner if he could turn the air conditioning on and he said it’s not worth it as we have the door open

Got my shorts on today. I look like an uncooked chicken.

Watching England again. Buzzing! 😜 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

If you want to go viral say something like ‘anyone know a pub where they’re showing the trump vs musk twitter fight’ or words to that effect. People will lap it up. They love that kind of stuff. Tip from an old pro 😉🤫

Having a beer in Budapest 😜🍻

Just wish there were more podcasts containing ‘hilarious and unapologetic conversations with no topic off limits!’

Why am I crying ? 🥹❤️ ☕️