Lil bit o humour 4 ya 😜😜😜👍👍🇬🇧

There’s something going on with dad

Nepo baby musician

@uklabourparty.bsky.social heard you were looking for a new leader .. 😎

The most misguided thing ppl say is ‘social media isnt real life’. Yes it is. Ppl are on their phone 24/7. Theyre cancelling plans so they can look at their phone. Everyone in yr train carriage is scrolling their phone.Nobody knows whats real anymore and everybody is angry.

Please be careful when posting #dogsatpollingstations photos there are some very sick individuals out there.

Don’t even know who’s doing a bit now.

Formal apology for my video the other day about the coffee shop. Not too proud to admit I messed up. Sorry guys x

Treated like absolute shit in local coffee shop

Everything about America is embarrassing. Listen to the names of their stupid states- Ohio. Kentucky. Wyoming. Pathetic. Where is your HULL. Your BATH. Your KENT. Grow up. 🇬🇧

Any pubs showing the nuclear war tonight ? Not looking for anywhere ticketed not worth it.

Love it when people say ‘had to check that tweet from trump was real!’ . Really. You thought I’ll have to verify this because it sounds completely out of character.

What’s everyone doing for power plant day? We never do much in our house so probably just a chilled one with family. Maybe a bond film in the afternoon with a bit of carrot cake. 👍

Fantastic day today. Wrote ‘who?’ under a photo of a new comedian in a tv show and someone replied under my comment ‘yep me neither 😂😂😂😂’ Absolutely buzzing. 😎

The clocks have changed AGAIN. Just when you get used to it they pull the rug out from under you. It’s a GAME to them. I’d rather have never been born than have to live like this.

Have a great weekend guys 👍💕

Derek Wardrobe Remembered- a bbc4 special

I’ve had quite the morning already lol! 💞💞💞

Talking to someone who went on the same European city break as you except they took in all the culture while you just got hammered for 3 days

@mralistairgreen.bsky.social this bin is doing your shtick.

Just seen David Beckham in the queue to see Chuck Norris lying in state. Say what you like about the man but you have to respect that.

One book I don’t need to ever read is gullivers travels. Man gets washed up on an island of little people or something then there’s another bit where everyone’s big I think (?) and it’s meant to be a satire about whatever. I get it I don’t need to read it.

Brushed my teeth while having a piss this morning (gross, unhygienic) and the electric toothbrush fell out my mouth and into the toilet and carried on buzzing in my piss and I just stood there staring at it for about 30 seconds.

Why do people say that by their nature sketch shows are always a bit hit and miss? I’ve made hundreds of sketches on my phone and never missed once. Why are they writing misses?

Think it’s a real shame the new dinosaurs series on Netflix uses ai. Sure it’s cheaper this way but I can’t help but wonder what footage a camera crew could have got by filming these magnificent creatures up close in the wild if Netflix had stumped up the cash.

Theres a bit in the Netflix Dinosaur series where it says it rained for a MILLION years. Humans could be wiped out in a nuclear bomb and we’d just be a footnote in Earths history. We’re utterly insignificant. Not me obviously, I’m significant but apart from me I mean.

Although I narrowly missed out on an Oscar nomination this year (I guess mens mental health means nothing- good to know) I want ppl to know this will not deter me- it will only drive me on. And to the judges I say this- you have made a grave, GRAVE error in making an enemy of me.

We really need to be honest with ourselves in the uk and admit we are not capable of producing politicians of this calibre . It’s embarrassing to pretend otherwise. I’m seeing people say ‘hes our mamdani’ above a photo of Ed Milliband.

Tried to bond with my mum by sending her the sort of lame comedy meme she sends me and this was her reply

Just generally when people say they ‘dont understand the hate’ for influencers living in Dubai are they being serious?

Yes I missed out on best album at the brits this year (didnt get time to make album) but I can still hold my head high and be proud. Im sure Olivia deans is good (havent listened) but for me Im focused more on artistry than mainstream success. Different strokes as they say 🤷‍♂️

Like most people I vote for the party that annoys the people I dislike the most at that time. My entire worldview is based on spite.

I actually got down to the last 2 for the role of Heathcliff in withering heights. They went with erlordi in the end who I’m sure did a competent job (didn’t see it) and I guess what I would have brought to the role will remain one of the great ‘what ifs’ of modern cinema.

Just received the Galton and simpson or whatever election result from my source inside the count . Cant say too much atm for legal reasons but very interesting. VERY interesting indeed.

(Using ai to make a 1min video where Robert Downey junior has lobster claws for hands and fights with Tom cruise on the surface of the sun then Tom turns into a transformer jet and flies to earth to blow up Big Ben) - Hollywood is FINISHED

I got bored of the Paddington bit about a year ago but do you know what- I’m finding it all VERY funny again since seeing him die on his arse at the BAFTAs. Watching people go nah I’m bored of his thing now and seeing a cultural moment just DISINTEGRATE in real time. Love it.

Oh right fair enough they were ‘in a truck’

I’m crying with laughter at how shit this is 😂😂😂

Ooo exciting wonder who it is!

Silly I know but one likes to imagine her majesty up in hea’n looking a little cross because she spent 12m to settle a charge against her paedo son only to see him arrested for misconduct in public office. Im sure Paddington will cheer her up with a yummy marmalade sandwich 💞🇬🇧

Another victim of the satire of @mralistairgreen.bsky.social can he be stopped before the whole economy crashes (again) youtu.be/-wP3BjTdogY?...

God rest her paedophile protecting soul 🥹🇬🇧

Thinking about doing a video called ‘comedians talking about snl uk’

There are only 12 podcast guests in the uk and they have been in permanent rotation since 2015.

Steven Bartlett there, attempting to rehabilitate his tarnished public image by having some friendly banter with a man who begged a paedophile to let him visit his island.

Just buying some toilet duck in Sainsbury’s and remembered that the world is run by a cabal of paedophile billionaires.

Probably safer to start from the basis that all billionaires are paedophiles until proven otherwise.