i live in bustin massivehugetits i love da red sox

dont worry gang, this time theres no way ill get burned by my own overconfidence in this thing ive never really done before

(hooking up with straight men) my legs by back shave my pussy and my crack 😔

yes ive spent my morning pre-planning and rehearsing my inflection and facial expressions before i go ask someone to complete a menial administrative task for me because if i dont ill probably flub it somehow and theyll think i hate them and then theyll hate me, what of it?

halloween trilogy

they should invent sleeping pills that make me sleep instead of making me delirious for 45 minutes then i come to and my brain becomes a shitty pinball machine that instead of bells & chimes it just plays the spongebob boowomp sound whenever the ball hits something

youve heard of the big & tall store now get ready for the dick & ball store (selfie unrelated)

gas station pizza slice save me

5 calls from Spam Risk in the past 24 hours do yall think they have a crush on me 😳😳

do yall think jd vance uses feng shui to spice things up eith his couch

i know im in good hands when my therapist tells me to skip work for the day

standing over my kitchen sink eating a block of cheese, not really in a rodent way, more like just chomping into it like an apple, crisp and refreshing except not really

"One in the stink is worth two in the bush" - @maddieisntfunny.bsky.social

crowd erupts into Zohran chants after watching two transsexuals wrestle in an inflatable pool full of queso. nyc undefeated

oh hey look, another doctor immediately blaming my health problem on HRT and saying to lower my dose before we try anything else despite me having this problem since pre transition. i didnt know estrogen can retroactively cause a lifetime of sleep issues but im not a doctor so what do i know

i would like to go one (1) day without feeling like im drowning, personally, but i guess its selfish of me to ask for anything other than uhhh world war 3

i cant ruin my sleep schedule if i dont have one in the first place

felt cute might fuck ur dad later

she slick on my cornhole til i woody's

another successful trip to the grocery store (looked at the pasta aisle and said "ooh i should make pasta tonight" then forgot to buy pasta)

@okaysure.cool made me a skirt~✧˖°

oh yea baby we're fully in "maddie gets drenched in sweat the millisecond she steps outside" season, send help

hey shoutout to my apartment's leasing office for ignoring multiple calls from multiple people about what smells like a gas leak in the building

my apologies to the actual earthquake a few minutes ago for mistaking it for just another big truck driving by making my apartment shake

got prescribed blood pressure meds and for some reason my boss didn't appreciate me asking if i can use that to file for worker's comp

me confronting the horrors

now up to 2 replacement pairs of glasses ordered in the past 2 weeks look at me go

De Poopst François ass dout

took me about 22 hours to finally realize the drive thru worker forgot to hand me my card back so yea you could say i've been more scatterbrained than usual lately

finally figured out why the big fuck-off wasps i'm allergic to keep trying to build a nest on my balcony~ it's because there's a nest in the foundation of my apartment that they crawl into through the cracks between the balcony & the wall 😊😊

Tomorrow is the 100th day of the year aka my birthday. Would be cool if this could get traction and is the only kind of birthday wish I’m interested in 🩷 www.facebook.com/donate/17178...

adding my silly little comments in my dogshit code like sprinkling wildflower seeds into cracks in the ugly parking lot of a strip mall

i measure my blood pressure during every quarterly all-staff meeting and today's was 146/133 we are well and truly ballin

pants. cool pants, actually

😲->😁

it's not a cuck chair it's the lord's chair jesus is in it & he's happy we're having fun

Happy Saturn ring plane crossing day to all who celebrate.

going back to school so i can eventually disprove whatever law of physics dictates that when I wake up with a scratchy throat and angry sinuses there will be only one antihistamine left in the botttle

of course I have a space dress why wouldn't I?

tonight's moon; quick experiment with color data #astrophotography

they should invent a way to not be sleepy that actually makes you not sleepy and also doesn't give your colon an anxiety attack

recording myself singing for the first time since transitioning and despite my fuckin YUCKY singing, it's nice to actually feel like the voice I'm hearing is mine and not some dissociated away not-quite-my-voice. golly I wonder why that is~

appreciation post for the creature bc he makes me smile

another day, another pile of evidence to suggest that greasy bar food & ice cream really can fix me

in which maddie thinks a little squirt of sunscreen will save her from getting burned despite it being the first time in months her arms & legs have gotten direct sun worth it though 🌞

my lava lamp burned out now it's just a buttplug i guess 🙄

Mater Noster (progesterone), qui es in caelis (me), sanctificetur nomen tuum (please make my ass fatter) 🙏

Need someone to hurry up and discover magic so i can go live in a cabin in a meadow and communicate with friends via spells instead of messaging apps that completely break if I so much as make eye contact with the settings menu. I Don't want a phone number just give me a scrying orb and a garden 😭

bottle of tums rattling around in my bag, echoing down the hallway. It's how I announce my presence, it's the bell on my collar

born to nap while my boss is away doomed to take point on status meetings