Dolphins by a million today.

TUCKER! #cubs

I bought an expensive hobby box of basketball cards tonight. If I don’t hit a Detlef Schrempf, may God have mercy on us all.

I think I’m just going to turn this into a sports account but one where I just yell when someone does something cool.

My son insisted on sleeping with a box of cupcake mix last night. I hope he stays a little weirdo as long as possible.

Every time I think I’d like to get a project going, I remember that even if it caught on, it would just end up with hundreds of strangers calling me a fat T-Rex anyway.

There are people already lined up outside Target to put in a preorder for the Switch 2. I hope they get rained on. I want them to get their console but I want them to earn it.

I wouldn’t be so upset by rich celebrities going to space if we were leaving them there.

I get back to the States after 16 days away tomorrow. I was going to kiss the ground when I landed, but I don’t want Katy Perry’s sloppy seconds.

I almost stepped on a monitor lizard today which I never thought is a sentence I’d say.

I’m out of the country right now. Gotta check my 401K next week when I get home. I assume it’s skyrocketing.

I’m on the way to Japan. It sucks that I’m doing it today and no one believes me.

Easily the most annoying day for social media to exist.

My fitness goals are losing enough weight where I can poop on a plane.

Oh hell, there’s a Chuck E. Cheese here.

Rubio sank so far into that couch I was honestly afraid JD Vance might fuck him.

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Picking up your grandpa at the eye doctor

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Hooters for one just hits different. And by different I mean kind of skeazy.

Last leg of my parlay I need to hit is an Eagles fan eating police horse shit to celebrate this win. Not cashing out. I think I can hit it.

It was a true honor for Travis Kelce to allow himself to get stomped out in front of the man who openly hates his girlfriend.

Mitch McConnell fell today. Did someone roll him over so he didn’t get stuck on his back?

I'm upset that I've recently learned that I don't have the kind of disability that lets me get away with doing racist stuff. If you don't like this joke, that's okay. I still throw my heart out to you.

Even though it hurts when it happens, I at least take comfort in the fact that I get made fun of way less in public than someone who has a Cybertruck.

On the bright side, with the Eagles winning, we got another chance for a fan to eat police horse shit.

What video games we playing this week?

Had a great weekend in Janesville, WI. Three dynamite shows. Next week I go to the Royal Rumble and then Sunday in Fort Wayne. If you see me, say hi. I’ll be the one who looks like me.

I’m in Janesville, WI this Friday and Saturday at the Comedy Cabin. Shows will be fire. Weather will not be.

I want to say that I hope the Chiefs lose, but if I do, I'm scared the refs will call an unnecessary roughness penalty on the Texans.

Order of preference for teams left in the playoffs to win the Super Bowl Lions Texans Bills Commanders Rams Eagles Ravens Meteor kills us all Getting a flesh-eating bacteria Having my testicles impaled by a bull’s horn …. Chiefs

I love boneless wings. And anyone who takes issue with that and makes a big deal about them being chicken nuggets, I hope you develop a personality soon.

My son has randomly started saying the word “kadam” and he’ll say it any time he sees Elmo’s legs. Any ideas? Because my wife doesn’t like that I think he’s saying, “Goddamn, look at dem legs!”

There has to be a better way for a company to tell you your loan has been paid in full than sending an e-mail that says, "YOUR AUTOPAY HAS BEEN DEACTIVATED. PLEASE CALL US TO CONTINUE PAYMENTS."

I’m up to 100 followers on here now! Take that, everyone who got 100K within 12 seconds of making their account!

How’s my 2025 going? Almost shit my pants in a library.

Happy New Year, you titans of industry!

Excited I’m back on the roster at the Ice House in Pasadena. It was the very first place I ever did standup. A little holiday pick-me-up.

Glad to see the Cubs acquire Kyle Tucker. And now with that trade, it opens up a spot for me at third base.

Now that Juan Soto has signed, I can finally sign with a team. Open for business, MLB execs.

I feel like I’m the only person who hasn’t figured out Bluesky.

Give me all of your sports and non-sports cards please so I can sort and organize them and put them in binders like the intense little dork I am.

Live your life on a way where people don’t cheer when you die.

Starter packs are apparently big here to get followers when really it should be Starter jackets.

My 1-year-old son decided not to make any noise when he woke up so I never heard him and got him up way too late. He’s now 26.

As a theater person, I want to go see Wicked. I will not watch it in a movie theater though, because theater people will be there.

I have a video on Instagram starting to do numbers. It’s a video promoting a show I did in September that nobody came to if you wanna know how awesome social media is.

One of my toxic traits is that I start acquiring a new collection before I have properly narrowed down my other collections. That and knowing a lot about former Cubs first baseman Leon Durham.

I’m thankful that all my classmates growing up were screwed out of doing hand turkeys because of me.

Preparing for turkey day by eating an entire slightly smaller turkey today.