Look how February pans out. Shit like this makes me smile😂

Wee homemade stirfry and spicy noodles in the gaff tonight 😋

Casually watching #TulsaKing and in struts Samuel L Jackson. NOW it's a party😂

Wheres the hammer!

Everyone in this house hates Twiglets. I have a massive Twiglets tub in the kitchen; it's filled with chocolates and my favourite biscuits. Fuck the fuckers.

Too early for bed? Asking for myself 😂

Primary teacher here: If your kid is dressed as a donkey in the nativity, it's on purpose; they are an ass in the classroom. Equally, with angels - angelic for the majority of time. Wrote in a special cactus part one year for an odious little prick.

We're all thinking it 😂

Merry fucking Christmas 🎄

Rock and Roll Saturdays. In bed watching cheesy telly with a can of pineapple fanta 😂😂😂

Give Martin O'Neill the permanent job😂

Its official. I'm old. Home before 8pm ams the toons fulla half dressed Halloween wankers😂😂😂😂

A man on the train was very clearly looking for a way to power his phone and getting frantic about it. I had a power bank that I could have easily lent at no detriment to myself, however, he was wearing a Leeds United shirt and I am a Bradford City fan so he can GET TO FUCK

Scotch Whisky alone, just one thing, is 25% of ALL UK Food and Drink Exports.

Its like the sky is on fire 🔥 this morning 😱

Watching Peaky Blinders again. Forgot how much i love Arthur 💚

Im saying #Humphries will boss this. But ut will be a close one 🎯 #WorldGrandPrix

The best night with my best pal. Love you too much @laladee7.bsky.social 🥰😍🥰

Out with my @laladee7.bsky.social tomorrow for some belated birthday refreshments 🥳🤩 canny wait! Its been too long 🥂🍻🥂

Hows your monday? Yes that is a large latte spilled down my window 😂😂🙈🙈 Looking alot like something else 🙄

Having a curry for lunch in office at work. Forgot the nan bread so used some cream crackers. The are a fantastic alternative. Not letting my family know. I am half Indian and will probably be shunned by them all for this.

@tiocfaidhclaraa.bsky.social Happy birthday to my wee bestie 💓 🥰🥳🎂🥂🍾 Hope you have the best day xxx

How come when you can't afford to go on holiday you see loads? Then when you think 'fuck it I'm booking somewhere' you can never find anything good.🙄

I base my hotel reviews now solely on the quality of their loo roll. Strong and reliable is 4 stars and above, if I blow my nose and break through it then less. If my finger goes through it when I'm wiping my arse you're getting a one star review. You have been warned.

I live alone and sleep alone. Each morning I wake up to find fresh toenail cuttings in my bedsheets. I have no answer for why except that I must be cutting my toenails in my sleep.

I use my husband's "Just for Men" grey reducing shampoo on my pubic hair when I shower.

Rock and Roll Saturday for me. Bed and The Bodyguard 😂

Got 2 spare for tomorrow free from foundation section 139 can meet at stadium 🍀

I get up early on Mother's Day so that I have to purposefully have my breakfast downstairs instead of having my husband and daughter spoil me with breakfast in bed. No way I'm getting crumbs, sticky jam, and tea droplets all over my lovely, bloody expensive, bedsheets.

Bartender here. If you look young enough to be asked for ID, my eyesight is so bad I have no idea where your date of birth is or if your ID is yours but there's no way I'm going to make myself look even more ancient but putting my glasses on in front of the fresh faced fuckers.

I work for a major hotel chain, on duty for the breakfast buffet. When gluttony is licensed in this way you see the worst of humanity. I've seen volumes of bacon consumed that should not be medically possible.

Used to work in a Dancewear shop. An odd man tried leggings on without underwear and left a pubic hair in them. I later sold them on the another customer who had been extremely rude to all staff. I'd do it again. Be nice to your server.

I'm in a job where I spend a lot of time in other people's conference rooms. If they're cunts I leave a couple of permanent markers in their whiteboard tray.

Mum asked for my best memory from a family holiday. Said it was visiting the pyramids. I lied. It was buying a packet of Refreshers in the Lake District and they were all red.

If an attractive woman is friendly or chatty to me, I assume that she fancies me. That is, until I remember that I'm a fat, bald, middle aged, deluded arsehole.

My nose, when slightly congested, makes a sound like an iPhone vibrating with a silent notification. My wife and I would check our phones until I realised. I have now mastered the skill and do it in any quiet room. Sorry but it's just funny to have people pull out their mobiles.

Every derby day i put some ridiculous 400/1 bet on. But have the cheek to 'leave it on the bet slip till the teams are announced' like am defo gonna win😂😂😂. Maybe today's the day!!!!! 🍀

My sister was getting serious with her boyfriend and I was asked quietly by my father to vet him. Decided the best way to get to know him was to drop some MDMA with him on a night out. Passed with flying colours. They're getting married next week & I get a sesh buddy, win/win

A miss reading a right good book. Gonna get the Outlander ones. I absolutely love the series and prequel. The books must be better? Surely? The books are always better 👀😂

While most of the uk 'buy' them and check out £0 on the till😂😂😂😂

Socialism is that evil thing that is really bad because it will make the ridiculously rich people less rich, while giving everyone else everything they need. Who tells you it is really bad? The ridiculously rich people of course.

Curry in the gaff tonight 🤌🏻👀

“Brendan, the ‘sack the board’ chants could be heard loud and clear. What’s your response?” “Sorry, I’ll be quieter next time”

Get yourself a pal like this😂😂😂😂 @tiocfaidhclaraa.bsky.social I love to sing a belting song. Clara outs me everywhere i go😂😂😂😂xxx

Scottish folk arent built for heat. We moan when its hot we moan when its cold😂😂. The only time this is acceptable is next to a pool with cocktails

My pal sent me this 👏🏻😂😂😂