Hashtag watching Point Break while doing kettlebell workouts in my underwear. Fucking around with knives and nunchucks between sets. Sponsored by Orange Cream Ghost energy drink

Sorry but I’m not sure what a horse is and I’m not sure what you mean when you say E question. Is that your accent or your speech impediment?

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP

I’ve been marinating in culture for the past ten years. You’re welcome.

I am the Jack Reacher teacher of grading essays.

I’m the doom guy of eating chicken bacon ranch wraps

Sorry babe, but I’ve taken a sacred vow to abstain from dating social workers.

These new jimmy johns toasted sandwiches are starting to piss me off. I only like my sandwiches cold. It might be time for me to enter the fast food wars again. I’m like the John wick of the fast food corpo wars and the toasted jimmy johns sandwiches are my dead dog.

I always order a glass bottle of orange Fanta at the Mexican restaurant I live across the street from. This one waiter always presents the bottle to me like it’s a fine wine from the 1800s. I nod with approval before he pours it into a glass of ice. This is the only way I’ll drink Fanta now.

Sometimes you have to create a militant anarchism group in order to destabilize the populace of a small town.

My idea of the perfect haircut is going to the barbershop, sitting in the chair, the barber punches me in the face as hard as he can and everyone laughs then I pay him $20 and walk home with guilt and embarrassment.

A coworker invited me to their family Easter thing today. I’m going. I’ll be there, just like a normal human. Can’t wait to find and stomp all the goblin eggs. Hopefully I can find their lair and slaughter them all.

Jim Harrison Murakami Tadao Tsuge Donald Ray Pollock Kafka

So friggin stoked to share “Not Dark Yet” with you fine folks. Big thanks to @aaronburch.bsky.social for believing, and publishing this bad boy in Short Story, Long today. A dark dream come true. open.substack.com/pub/ashortst...

If goblins could own any vehicle it would be a jeep. They’re obsessed with mechanized junk. I would know. I slay goblins for a hobby.

Teaching note: do not attempt to teach 16 year olds about ego death.

I do not have a girlfriend

Hashtag just picked up a wooden entertainment center, carried it down two flights of stairs and threw it into a dumpster. Time to walk a mile to the bowling alley in below freezing temps so I can drink Busch light.

I was repping out glorious 90 pound skull crushers when the gym owners dog started licking my ear. The ultimate training partner to master the zen art lifting heavy weights over your stupid face.

I’m going to write a fantasy book that has crab people in it. Everything is evolving into a crab so it makes sense. Might even go crazy and make zombie crab people.

Over edited a story last night. Forced the dialogue. Now my narrator comes off like a huge piece of shit. A horrible person who everyone hates. Gotta stop basing all of my narrators on my real life persona.

The girls who live above me are having a Sunday night screaming party. I can hear the faint sound of a horror movie on the tv then they randomly scream and stomp around. Frank Lloyd Wright did not design my apartment. I could’ve designed my apartment, dude. A novel

It’s a snow day. I have two copies of Saint Lizard and one copy of Goon Dog available for you. You’re welcome.

SUICIDE: AN ANTHOLOGY, via House of Vlad Press This has been on my TBR pile for ages, but I’ve been putting it off because I thought it might be triggering. I was right, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check it out.

“Favorite” Stories: “Brad’s Back on his Bullshit,” by Brad Phillips, “Partial Suicide,” by @troyjamesweaver.bsky.social, “That’s Enough,” by @charleneelsby.bsky.social, “Slime Brain,” by @bergerbomb44.bsky.social www.amazon.com/Suicide-Anth...

I’m very proud to be included in this anthology. Great to see people reading and connecting with it.

Oh, hello Bluesky friends. I have 3 copies of Goon Dog and 4 copies of Saint Lizard available. I’ll sell as a deluxe bundle package if bought together.

Wrote a scene where the protagonist is at a fancy jazz bar and opens his mouth and emits a laser beam that incinerates the head of lawyer who won’t stop talking to him.

hey @bergerbomb44.bsky.social

Kyle is a devout follower in the teachings of Saint Lizard.

fully lizard pilled, totally berger bombed. worth the wait, @bergerbomb44.bsky.social

Saint Lizard has risen.

farewelltransmission.net/submissions/ @farewelltransmiss.bsky.social

BAD FOUNDATIONS, the latest novel by Brian Allen Carr, is out now via @clashbooks.bsky.social 💥 Here in our review Robert Warf gets to the bottom of it all 🕳️ southwestreview.com/we-see-what-...

First drop from the winter issue is live! 💥 Read THE PEACEMAKER, a career-spanning look at the work of Cormac McCarthy, by Luis Jorge Boone (trans. Christina MacSweeney) 🐎 southwestreview.com/volume-108-n...

You can pre order saint lizard here. I’ll know if you don’t. gobpilepress.bigcartel.com

I have an excerpt from a bigger project I’m working on in House of Vlad Issue 2. Check it out. When society collapses carpet cleaners will reign supreme. houseofvladpress.com/vlad-mag-%23...

Hey, bud. Buy my book, buddy. malarkeybooks.com/store/pavement

Goon Dog is still lurking in the wasteland of grinning shadows and McDonald’s play area ball pits. gobpilepress.bigcartel.com/product/pre-...

Today we have Pothole Eyes by @bergerbomb44.bsky.social farewelltransmission.net/2023/10/poth...

New poem up today @farewelltransmiss.bsky.social about delivering tools and monsters from the abyss. From forthcoming collection Saint Lizard. Thank you @tenhoeve.bsky.social

Saint Lizard loot drop

Look how affordable and attractive these dang books are!

It’s getting darker every day. The night is taking over. Read Where the Pavement Turns to Sand by lamplight. Enjoy. malarkeybooks.com/store/pavement

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Here’s a new short story of mine called “Leopold”, published by The Southwest Review. It’s a long one 10,000 words or so. t.co/xERnJTXcPP

Saint Lizard is prowling the ancient catacombs. Feasting on giant rats. Shedding dead skin. Preparing for emergence. Fortify your villages.