Do you think the new pope has ever had a weekend marg tower in chicago

I'm not sure a lobotomy would be enough guys

never forget that we’re currently facing total economic destruction because fox news got upset about 0.0001% of our population wanting equal rights

HEY KID YOU WANT TO BE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

They had lawyers, trials, most were given pretrial release, allowed to testify in their own defense, got discovery, could call witnesses, could cross-examine witnesses, could present mitigation at sentencing, and had a right to appeal.

"why do you text in all lowercase" god forbid a bitch is anti capitalism

We are the sons of the boys they couldn't bring back to town

on the plane shoving my fist into my mouth watching the 6 yo child in front of me absolutely throw the shit out of multiple tetris games in a row

Americans are entitled to and should demand better than this from the President of the United States.

what do you mean elon and palanir are making a subscription based missile service

ur so goated… fuck.. dude ur so goated.. i’m seduced..

Quit having potstickers with the snot lickers and come eat tiramisu with a mysterious dude

If there is another recession do my parents have to get divorced again?

(Referring to my life) Still not sure what I’m going to do about this whole thing

no sweetie its okay your 401k is in heaven now 🖤

This is Utah in case anyone’s wondering how pissed off people are. I have never seen anything like this.

I must not be the first person to bring this up But there has never been a more vindicated guy

it’s soo important to ask yourself challenging questions like “should i eat dinner before i shower or after??” and ultimately become so paralyzed by indecision that it becomes too late to do either

ur references are obscure and u often make little sense. let’s form an alliance

the banks are out of money but my girlfriend's purse is not. We move

you know the way ppl grab their dogs by the neck and shove them into poop so they know not to do it indoors

The Republican American dream just being an assembly line of unvaccinated workers with 6 unvaccinated kids at home making door knobs and hangers that were $4 cheaper a unit to manufacture in Taiwan

its called the switch 2 bc you’re gonna switch 2 a cheaper hobby

applied for a job as soon as i saw those switch 2 prices

80 USD for mario kart Bowser better step out of the console and start a family with me if they're really gonna charge me that much

hiiiii [with intentions of robbing you]

done with my filling the dentist says my vagina looks great

last name ever, first name dummest

the best way to get a hiring mangers attention is to already work at the company then slowly absorb the responsibilities and duties of the new position while receiving no extra pay or title change

death will not do us part you stupid bitch

my pussy always points north

giving him half a can of wet food to go with my pussy

[trying to impress my plug] daaamn this weed looks fireee but it would look better on my bedroom floor…

"she committed human rights violations at cuntanamo slay"

(7 margaritas, a line and 2 cigarettes deep) i think i like this little lifeeee

bro u were a proper scallywag the night afore

i saw mommy pegging santa claus

sorry for being mean my lips are chapped

apparently if u reflexively kick one of santa’s elves like a spooked horse they will ban u from the mall

can’t sleep i need some white noise alexa play bong rip compilations

can i come over and lay completely still on top of u for 3 hours

wasn't gonna drink today but I miss the iphone 5 so much

*awkwardly putting my clothes back on* sorry. i thought gender reveal party meant orgy