Seeing a lot of cages and not a lot of bushes — bout to lock up y’all’s razors next year instead

Called another investigator Dr. Bob at work because I didn’t know her name and she had a sick ass bob — guess that wasn’t “workplace appropriate” 🙄

My straight best friend to me rn: “I just think a breeding kink is crazy” Me: 👁️👄👁️

A mini babybel cheese wheel and a blunt would fix me

Is the plural of rendezvous rendezveese?

Got to work and realized I forgot my headphones

Road tripping in the middle of a man sandwich 😍

Something thick and veiny for your Friday 😌

Not my mom outing girls from my high school while we’re on the phone

“Do you want tight muscle pussy or not?”

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 Dolly outlives him 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Biting at the chomp

Straight woman at the Home Depot flirted with me

T breaaaaaak *just parked at work*

The lion does not concern himself with pookie leaving him on read 😔

Feeling very 6’-5” today 😌

The duality of best friends: one who sometimes likes me and one who is beyond tired of my shit

You can’t ask me to work on a Friday when there’s more cock on the timeline than tasks on my to do list

I don’t think my life insurance policy would enjoy how much I like a hand around me throat :/

“I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries”

Skipping lunch today so I can out eat the other gays at all you can eat sushi

It’s cocktober 1 and I didn’t wake up to somebody in a jock and ghostface mask at the foot of my bed with a knife :/

Just used “y’all’d” in a sentence somebody please hit me with a muffler

If he isn’t twirling your bush hairs by 6 am, get a new man

Gonna put on some music to cook dinner 😍😍

Whoever ties up the rotisserie chickens at Costco is a little freak 🫦

I fear I’m losing my whimsy

Hole next door lookalike lives four houses down from me 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

what is it that i don’t get about sleeping in

They didn’t notice my new glasses today either I’m soooooo putting in my 2 weeks

Thank god my ass is fat because that 16-stair tumble would’ve hurt like a mf otherwise

Nobody at work said anything about my new haircut I’m calling HR

I’m up at 6am for a job I don’t like — God what I’d give to be a child in a rainforest cafe rn

Listening to Fleetwood Mac and running around on that horse in Elden Ring life could not be better

I may not contribute to society much but I hope yall giggle when your phone says “ass and throat liked your post”

Idk if everything the Greeks did was great but they were huge on watching oiled men wrestle, and I can get behind that

So, am I serving DL trade?

caged at volleyball?? Me too girl

Wake and bake in a low rise thong but this time I’m letting my man ******* out both my *****

Wake and bake in a low rise thong

Just got told by somebody that they would run me over out of pity?…

I may not be able to do much but I can always unclog the pen I tell ya what

You know what day it issssss (wear-your-lidocaine-patch-to-work Thursday)

Nothin freakier than me and my man’s Xbox DMs

I should get taco bell

Husband cleaned the d*b rig and now it tastes like dawn dish soap :/

Distracted by my own boobs again

May have lost grip on reality a bit but this pussy sure didn’t