As if being Greg Abbot isn’t embarrassing enough?

Wife: I’m sad. Me: Why are you sad? Wife: I don’t even have any pierogis. Me: *laughs* Wife: I don’t know why you’re laughing, this is a serious situation. There had been zero previous mention of pierogis.

Isn’t it one of those discs that that gets launched when someone yells “PULL?”

So like… you naturally want to go “Clay Higgins is obviously in the files,” but then you stop and go “Who or what the fuck is a Clay Higgins?”

Honestly, it’s incredible that she didn’t do it any of the other three times.

In what universe are you not already insufferable?

I was under the impression that if the UPS and FedEx drivers show up at the same place at the same time, that they were supposed to fight to the death and they were both just in my mailroom and they didn’t. Everything I thought I knew was a lie.

… Iceland didn’t have mosquitoes?

Something something, every accusation is an admission, something something.

a light shines above his head as hakeem jeffries drafts a resolution to heal the country by changing MLK Jr day to charlie kirk day

I do all things through spite, which strengthens me. Amen.

There is a documentary on Netflix called “Trainwreck: Poop Cruise” and I really feel like they missed an opportunity not calling it “ShitWreck.”

Took me a minute to match the face, but I could see it in my head. I’m getting slower in my old age.

Anyone else think this dude looks like a sleezy talkshow host with a 4 drink minimu… Wait, he’s what?

But like… the way she laughs. amirite?

Great news for everyone else(’s genitals.)

🤣🤣🤣

lord, we don’t talk much, but please let Cuomo’s final embarrassment be losing to a brown socialist

10/10

Really groundbreaking journalism coming out of @nbcnews.com this evening.

correct, QLL is currently only available in the U.S. 🌈📚 you can sign up for a free library membership here! queerliberationlibrary.org/members

Yeah, this isn’t the get he thinks it is.

Respect our flag, amirite?

Normally when I’m saying “Let’s go, Mets!”, I’m rooting for someone’s cancer, but I’ll take this.

Hold on… wait, wait wait… you mean to tell me…?

You know what I don’t care about @apnews.com? That Boeing’s stock dropped 8%. JFC.

I like how the reasoning for literally all of this administrations actions is “to own the libs”. Consistency is key.

“We get to redefine insurrection as we please because we were the last ones to do it.” It’s like a shitty make it-take it basketball game at the park.

There are actual problems in the military. Active duty service members living under the poverty line, health care, mental health care, banning trans people who just want to serve their country even though their government thinks they shouldn’t exist. USNS Harvey Milk is not one of these problems.

There may universally be nothing more important.

At least the man is consistent. You know the answer before you ask the question, it just means you’re a good partner. 🤣🤣🤣

thus has been escalating for years now at the federal, state and local levels. covering badges, refusing to provide names, procedural and legislative obstructions to FOIA requests. they don’t want you to know who they are.

I thought about it for a second and Josh Hawley is still a pearl clutching, spineless twerp. Also, he ran face first into this bitchslap like he did through the capital on January 6th.

For what fucking purpose do these people need to be dressed and armed like they are participating an active military operation?

a PSA A balaclava is what ICE agents wear to hide their identities as they engage in shameful Gestapo-like activities for which they should, in fact, be shunned from society A baklava is a delicious layered pastry treat Confusing one for the other could lead to comical misunderstandings

Wife: Do you think I’m gonna die? Me: No, I don’t think you’re gonna die. Wife: …so you don’t believe in me.

This made me momentarily near homicidal.

Wife: My birthday obviously can’t be better this year than it was last year when Trump got convicted of 34 felonies. Taylor Swift gets her first 6 albums back. Wife:

My wife is standing in the kitchen eating a tomato like an apple… I have no idea what to do.

Well, thank fuck I can’t see it.

don’t worry guys, bluesky can be perfect so long as we all get along. first things first, we just need to agree how the toilet paper goes on the holder.

Wife (taking the top off of a DQ Blizzard): I’m so cold. …this is not gonna help.

69 more likes and this post will have ratio’d his pole. …and man, the entendre there is near exponential.

Exactly