I’ve discovered the secret to quick weight loss. Fostering. That’s it. 6kg in 8 weeks.

Kraftwerk at the Royal Albert Hall. First gig I’ve been to in London for years and not stood next to Stewart Lee

On train to Preston. People with rucksacks and tiny brains should be shot

Offered our 12 year old foster child a strawberry. She’s messaged her social worker saying that it’s tantamount to abuse

Congratulations to Hull City on getting 18 points next season. 4 of them against us

@matt77r.bsky.social this is complements this perfect weather nicely

We’ve had 9 months of shit weather. Stop fucking whining. It’s our time now

Beginning to find people in this country’s ability to not enjoy anything without whinging absolutely intolerable. Just slap on the factor 50 and shut the fuck up

Popped out to grab some lunch at a cafe in Park Royal and bumped into some Hull fans. I think they thought London would be a bit more glamorous

Snortin run of form on @bbcradio6musicbot.bsky.social @laurenlaverne.bsky.social this morning. MBV, Ride, deary, Slowdive & Chapterhouse. I can almost feel my fringe growing back

It feels like we’ve had about 7 hours continuous coverage of Eurovision on the BBC. Nice of BBC News to report on, er, the Eurovision Song Contest straight after it

Just limbering to annoy the Gen Z members of the household during Eurovision tonight “What are they saying?” “Is that a boy or a girl?” “Oooh, that Spanish girl was nice

Tell you what lads, I’ve cracked this overnight oats caper.

Isn't everyone forgetting that Burnham is a bit useless?

Clive Lewis has gone full Gustavo Fring

Arne Slot and Keir Starmer should get together given they're being roundly vilified for really not being that bad

Is it possible that there are just a lot of stupid people about?

I always thought that 30% of the country were thick and/or racist. It's a shame they've been emboldened to be proud of it

"Before you ask; Persil Non-Bio."

My daughter’s just corrected my pronunciation of “wagyu” #surreylife

If Trump was in any way normal he’d be thinking “maybe I should pack in being a knobhead cos everyone keeps trying to shoot me”

The biggest shock about all this Chelsea kerfuffle this week is finding out Cucurella had a barber

Kid B has just called saying he's got us tickets for Saturday. My child getting tickets for me for the match!!!!! I'm old now

I got fist-bumped in the gym last night, and now in the office. Nothing for 55 years and now it's gone crazy. Can't we just revert to shaking hands again?

There are many disturbing and surreal things happening in the world right now. Trump, the rise of the right in the U.K., climate change but nothing, nothing is as surreal and frightening as Cole Palmer’s haircut

“Erm, no. Can I just have a coffee?”

You’ve not lived until you’ve stood behind a French family buying train tickets

Aaaaaand she’s happy

Not sure why they’ve got inverted commas here

Good Lord - surely adoption awaits the young chap

Did I see Doreen from Planet X on the recent McCartney Man on the Run documentary?

My wife (of 30 years) has just revealed that when she was a child the muesli of choice was Alpen. I genuinely thought it was the stuff of legends or reserved for the Royal Family. Alpen!

I think AI needs to up it's game

Someone’s had the nerve to wear these in the office. And he’s sitting there, bold as brass, wearing a beanie

I salute the pedantry of the child’s new toy.

@matt77r.bsky.social ITV 10.45pm. Don’t miss it

Just turned on the Barcelona/Newcastle clash and I’m shocked. Not by the score but the font on the Barcelona shirts

Still playing this a couple of times a week. He needs to do a few gigs. Specifically SW London @violetterecords.com #johncanningyates open.spotify.com/album/04i2AR...

Dear Wales - Paul Calf was a comedy figure, not a style icon

A bit of a shocker at work this week. I’ve been waiting for someone to finish something for me and she sent it across on Friday. I was so excited I quickly typed “Great - you’re fantastic!” and pressed send. But I was so excited and pressed too soon and it spellchecked to “Great - you’re fat”

This is a song open.spotify.com/track/2PeyQv...

I love it when you accidentally leave something in your Amazon basket by mistake and then later buy a book for £7.99. Then the £1,500 shed turns up.

@vinyloffers.bsky.social To good to be true - cancelled by Music Magpie

You know you're getting old when you start fancying prospective parliamentary candidates

To the driver of the car that broke down at J9 of the M25 - I hope the repairs are prohibitively expensive and you have to spend the rest of your life walking everywhere

The best bit about being snowed under at work is putting earbuds in to focus and get your head down then that becomes a signal for knobheads to start queuing at your desk to talk about inane things

“Don’t forget one of those Taylor Swift curry kits” “Spice Tailor?” “One of them as well”

Not. At. All. Bored.

Shocking day at work today. Main (and only) constructive achievement was getting a load of plaque of the dog's teeth

We’re all just waiting for the Donald to log on aren’t we?