Great command of the language on display here

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-a... In McSweeneys today being almost offensively on brand.

Zohran won the primary. I had a really great club sandwich. Overall, a pretty good day for 33-year-old brown immigrants with a beard who live in New York.

The Brad Lander and Elizabeth Warren Foundation for Getting His Perv Ass Outta Here No Matter What

Hi sorry I know a lot is going on right now but I’m gonna need to know how tall Zellnor Myrie is *immediately*

I’m gonna be reading from my book for the first time!

NYC I’m hosting a fundraiser for abortions @taylorkayphillips.bsky.social and @maris.bsky.social will all be reading. You better come! www.eventbrite.com/e/red-state-...

“Did you know they almost cut Somewhere Over The Rainbow from the movie!” is my “Viggo broke his toe in this scene” so the whole past 14 months of awards shows and movie trailers has really been excellent for me and @felipetmedina.bsky.social has learned a lot.

We will be reading and laughing and drinking while also supporting the Iowa Abortion Access Fund… You don’t wanna miss this. @lyz.bsky.social @alisonleiby.bsky.social @ellomelissa.bsky.social @felipetmedina.bsky.social @taylorkayphillips.bsky.social www.eventbrite.com/e/red-state-...

Hey! If you like what I have to say with a few words here, you may like what I have to say with a lot of words on Substack! open.substack.com/pub/notfromh...

Starting off hiatus sharing some daily beans (Colombian coffee) with my favorite Daily Beans GUEST @felipetmedina.bsky.social (also buy his book!!)

OH WOW, it's Book Launch day!!! The reign of pre-orders is over! BUY my book today!! store.abramsbooks.com/products/ame...

Well, look at that! A lovely review of my book in the @sfchronicle.com! I love you Sam Francisco Chronicle, you’re my favorite Chronicle after “Of A Death Foretold” and “Of Riddick.” datebook.sfchronicle.com/books/americ...

Went on Andrew Keen’s podcast to talk about “America, Let Me In” and also about America, the country! open.substack.com/pub/keenon/p...

Some thoughts for these distressing times today on The @newyorker.com www.newyorker.com/humor/shouts...

Back on my nonsense at substack talking a little bit about What Marriage Means to Me tkp.substack.com/p/a-new-adve...

if they play a single note during the Actress Acceptance I swear to God

Leandro Trossard has a face that could be on Traitors - this insight is for 2 people.

Thank you @literaryhub.bsky.social and @jamesfolta.com for letting me yap about my book!

Going to the doctor on a brutal winter workday is so embarrassing. Like “oh, yes, it’s my turn? Let me just grab my entire load of laundry, two carry on bags, and a hydroflask of coffee and shuffle into Room 3 On The Left”

Tubi ad was unacceptable.

Got my hand on an early copy of @felipetmedina.bsky.social's AMERICA, LET ME IN and not only am I supplementing my (shamefully poor) knowledge of our immigration system, but I'm laughing my face off at the same time. Out in March, Kirkus approved!

Appreciate my fellow patriots, but PLEASE make sure you’re spelling it “Colombia”

Just pre-ordered this new book written by my hilarious friend and co-worker Felipe Torres Medina @felipetmedina.bsky.social It’s getting great reviews or else I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT. Sorry, Felipe. #truthbomb

Hey, if you're in NYC, you should come to my book launch comedy show at @caveatnyc.bsky.social on March 12th! www.caveat.nyc/events/ameri...

Congrats to literally all the boobs tonight. Will not take the low hanging “golden globes” fruit. But also awooga and congrats on the great jug game.

If we’re going to be saying Emilia Pérez all awards season maybe let’s go ahead and learn how accents work

I know Kelly Clarkson never has to go that hard and always does but her Jingle Bell Rock just took me to church in the middle of a Mall Paper Source and American Idol Season One really is the first known occurrence of a Lead Off Grand Slam

People who know about “the movie industry” : these people aren’t watching their own movie like 50 times right? They’re showing up to the carpet, doing interviews, and then rolling out? Right? Having a Dark n Stormy and then coming back for Q+A? Right?? They’re not watching every screening!? Right??

**Building the Tower of Babel** GUY: Ashkvdsf skflvhuor sfivhirw ME: Haha! No, yeah. For sure.

Thank you so much to @taylorkayphillips.bsky.social for writing this weeks dingus so I can take a break. lyz.substack.com/p/naked-inte...

Sometimes @lyz.bsky.social lets me crash her Dingus of the Week party and I am thankful that this week was one of those weeks. Week. I wrote a roundup of Thanksgiving Dingii including “Insults Kids and Teens As A Bit” and “Pretends To Not Notice Cleanup” breeds open.substack.com/pub/lyz/p/na...

The cool gang at @latenightercom.bsky.social shared the news about my book! Thank you!

www.theatlantic.com/family/archi... Atlantic re-posted to IG today + comments have called me “soft” + told me to “stop ruining things” + said “if you don’t want to run 1 don’t + shut up” Which is funny cause I actually love Turkey Trots + I say so in the piece +will run one tomorrow okloveyoubye.

Somebody Somewhere Season 3 is Kansas ‘Company’ and I have cried 3 times each episode

Mike Johnson's face looks like you're trying to explain to a youth group leader why the FCA needs to meet in a classroom because the girls basketball team needs the gym for practice

Me after taking an Alien to a spa day as an act of good faith: So!? Do you feel sooo relaxed?? Alien (crying in an alien way): It WORKED okay. I told them everything. Your torture methods are so advanced!