It must be so hype to be a cardinal rn, like good for yall, this is y’all’s Super Bowl, hell yeah

Being blind must be terrifying because you can’t see if there’s a monster in the shower with you after you wash your face

If I reaaaaally put my mind to it I’m sure I could start working out and become a star nfl tight end or something

Another massive blow to Drake as Kendrick Lamar finds 5 dollar bill on sidewalk

We really need to get rid of standardized spelling. Have fun again. Scrimp cocktale

So uh, you drink chocolate milk with that mouth?

Anyone who says I’m not funny is just a hater sent by big boring

[threatening a baby] here comes the airplane

If you watched adventure time and didn’t like Prismo, please send me your info so I can get a restraining order

Comedy peaked when Diogenes plucked that chicken

wait I think it’s called Ratatouille bc he’s a rat?

calling the hotel front desk to ask what i’m allowed to take home without getting in trouble

when i skeet about my cats, i call that making a pspspspspspsspt

I’d really appreciate if my enemies could stop winning.

Who up jorking their brains with Wikipedia articles

Gosh is real and you’re going to heck if you don’t believe me

Am I crazy or are the holidays lowkey getting whimsical again these days

Apparently some car companies are about to fail. I’m praying that the greed of car manufacturers starts the downfall of American car dependent infrastructure

Poop huh? Why don’t you remove that last p and say that again big guy

Whenever it is blisteringly cold and I’m forced to walk between places of interest, I can’t help but imagine I’m in the likes of ancient mammoth, marching along the frozen tundra with indomitable spirit. And that really helps warm me up honestly

I could jump real high if I wanted

I just saw someone quick save and then walk into the bathroom. Wtf he doing in there??

Can someone tell me why in gods name they felt like they needed to make a Moana 2??? I mean like it’s just a blatant…. Money grab … uh… *kisses you*

They always turn a house into a home, I want to see someone turn a house into some doves or smth

Thanksgiving is the only holiday where the mascot gets eaten. Unless you’re into Uncle Sam like that

Do you think the cars universe has wikiwheels

If they can add fluoride to the water they should add Dr Pepper too. I would like that

How do they get babies for tv shows? Mom gives birth all day and the first thing she thinks is “we could make money off this”

A man with two apples is hungry, a man with two watermelons is suspicious and a man with three oranges is a juggler

Pokemon prolife pokemon prochoice. No further questions

Me when I see a pair of objects even remote pink and green in color: CODMO WAMDA

I hate when people make socials just to follow people. Like don’t make a Bluesky just to follow me

Being a cowboys fan born in the 2000s sucks because you get all the infamy and hate but literally none of the rewards. #cowboys

Did I just get an actual fortune from a Panda Express fortune cookie? Is… is nature healing?

#promosky Let’s see what I can remember I like - Pokémon - DnD - Drums - Surfs up - Green Day, QOTSA - Ninja Sex Party - Markiplier - wildlife - nature - animals - fun facts - Dandadan - Geography - Flags

Why did they made him a hot raccoon

I LOVE CEILINGS TO MUCH THEYRE SO UNIQUE AND COOL EVERYONE OF THEM. TILED, ARCHED, EVEN POPCORN. WHEN I SEE I COOL ONE I CANT HELP BUT GET DIZZY AND SPIN IN CIRCLES, CALL ME A CEILING FAN

I love when a state knocks down a dam or a forest gets special protection. There is some good in the world still

How many traffic lights does it take to pass a captcha? No seriously I can’t get past it