can’t go to sleep until i know everything in the universe

friendhawk or fauxhawk

it’s kinda unbelievable how evil the average american is

when i just need a win, i go and parallel park. feels so good feeding my ego

“420 hostile”

It is with heavy jeans I tell you that I went into the lake with my jeans on

lasagna is french for the sagne

tummy hurt alert!

Maybe it's maybelline.. but perhaps it's perhapselline

why do men try to transport their boogers into their brains instead of blowing their noses? all answers welcome

tell me this isn’t a lewk

Wasting your entire life can feel daunting. Just focus on wasting one hour at a time and you'll get there

i’ve been trying to debate whether we all try to see ourselves as good. like as humans, judging ourselves, do we need to justify our actions so we can say we’re a good person? and i’ve come to the conclusion that yes, we all want to see ourselves as good, in western society etc

sometimes i don’t jive with all the multitudes some people contain

i’m no fan of double standards BUT they should let women bring two bags of liquids in their carry-ons

i’ve got so many partisan political opinions. they should let me post them!

on day 3 of verizon home internet outage and finally the verizon website is acknowledging there’s a problem in my area

sine waves are feminine, cosine waves are masculine. i don’t make the rules

if i lived in australia and a spider got in my house, i’d simply put it on a leash and walk it outside

@irate_dogs be like “that’s a heckin angry doggo (pupper)”

in the furry community, a submissive dog who likes things loud is called a subwoofer. don’t ask me how i know

so they lost all the tweets on here or something?

if you see this, quote with a picture of you in glasses are we training an ai to do glasses or something? this is a weird prompt

i’m so old i just got a hangover from no alcohol. just purely dehydrated from doing too much

i don’t stand in line to spend money. you, as a business, either want it or you don’t.

every quote tweet i see on this app: get a load of the newest thing this scum bag said. they’re a horrible person and they always have been __________________________________ | ⓘ Deleted | ———————————————-

car wash / war cash is this anything?

is the criminal mischief guy on here? sound off if you know who i’m talking about

My one-hour special “Rick Steves Iran: Yesterday and Today,” which helps humanize 90 million Iranian people, is streaming free and ad-free at www.ricksteves.com/watch-iran.

i’m so tired i could sleep a horse

i need a holiday where i don’t have to do anything. stop giving me holidays that come with obligation

i hate feeling like i wasted time on something. like when you put effort into it and though no fault of your own it turns out bad. and not just something you were doing for fun either, so now you have to find something else to take it’s place and that takes more time and effort

i hate seeing a lone goose or duck out and about. like bro where’s your partner/lover/pack?

i’m not afraid to say it i think the moons haunted tweet sucks except i am afraid to say it so that’s why i’m posting it here

is it even possible to make sourdough if you don’t work from home? you’re telling me i have to babysit this thing for 12 hours and i can’t even bake it the same day?!

hot take, but i don’t think “moon’s haunted” is funny. also it’s one of these

*at the poetry slam* “please snap”

real teas realities real tease

NEW: Israeli strikes killed seven paramedics this morning, as well as the three journalists targeted in this car. According to other media in the group, the car was clearly marked with “PRESS” on the sides & roof. A violation of Article 79 of the Geneva Conventions. Israel’s Gaza Playbook.

going out on backroads at 2am to “practise” for driving on the left in ireland

i gotchu don’t worry

anyone going to no kings this saturday? i’m debating it

*at a pitch meeting* so her tag line is “store bought is fine?” and her lavender marriage husband is always around to try the food? got it and you’re sure you want the title of this /cooking show/ to contain the word “barefoot?” well hey, it sounds crazy to me but i owe you one, bud

the names runner, blade runner

maybe 2024 was earth’s hottest year on record, but 2017 was mine

whenever you find yourself stuck in traffic, try this mantra: this is a moment wasted in traffic if there were frequent, fast, and free mass transit, none of us would be here may i use this moment to become radicalized there, doesn’t that feel better?

*flips you off britishly*

i’m working on the pilot of my new show: how i met your deductible

probiotics and antibiotics are fighting a war within my gut