When a travel giveaway says crap like “Win an ultimate holiday,” it sounds like they’re going to euthanise you afterwards

Most animated shows see fit to refrain from explicit portrayals of the feline anus, but Sailor Moon is not so presumptuous.

I have always said this about Brad Pitt

The name Brody is a portmanteau of “bro” and “lady”. Discuss.

Your dad’s favourite Lord of the Rings film

Gaslight teaches us that, instead of spending twenty years searching for something, all the while committing heinous acts of violence and psychological torture, you might at least consider asking your wife where it is.

Every time a friend’s recent mammogram comes up, I picture a guy showing up at her workplace dressed as a breast

@johnharper.bsky.social Where would the consulates be based in Doskvol?

If you ever find me in the bowels of a heavily guarded laboratory, peacefully suspended in a large tube of bubbling liquid, please mind your own business.

You ever rub your partner’s butt like an amulet that brings spoons?

Don't eat any unattended casseroles you find in the swamp. That's how they get you

I have no idea what this selection is about; I just know that 1200 seems excessive

Why does the Herd Mentality cow have eight nipples?

A secretion produced by certain amphibians has been found to remove dandruff more effectively than many existing hair care products. Needless to say, Head & Shoulders needs some toads.

Some guy in this Hallmark-esque movie said he was “just in the area for a hamster rehabilitation conference down the street”, and you could feel how hard the actor was trying to make it sound natural

I have always thought the power to be indestructible is more remarkable than the power to be aware of that other power. This is the key difference between me and Spandau Ballet.

My partner likes to say ‘I love hearing your voice’ as a gentle way of letting me know she hasn’t been listening for several minutes

The Longest Johns’ community projects are always so beautiful. I’m proud to have taken part in this one 😊

I go to therapy for three reasons, but it’s mainly about my compulsion to disappoint people who like lists.

Realistically, I could never be a sugar daddy. At best, I could serve as a sort of Stevia uncle, or Uncle Steve for short.

I promise you, Temu, I do not know how to use it. Is it for lighting my penis on fire or for putting out dickfires? In either case, the “You need it” feels rather aggressive.

Considering a procedure to have a couple of ribs removed so I can use my penis like a microphone when I sing in the shower

why don't you say it to my face, coward? if you're man enough come say it right up next to my cheek whisper it directly in my mouth if you're so tough

There are only four kinds of animal, and they are all fighting each other. This much is certain.

When you show a friend that dope-ass 5 you’ve been working on for months

My neighbour likes to remind us that he technically could have been on Deal or No Deal. I think it's a dominance thing.

I should get around to following some more folks here. Knowledge of the Slut Gnomes of False Berlin has just reached me.

I was looking up a film called Daddy’s Head on IMDb, and as it turns out, the first suggestion you get from “daddy” is Liam Payne

Elemental is a pretty groundbreaking Disney production in that the protagonist’s father actually concludes the film by saying ‘I’ll be right here, doing your mum.’