he just fired me over zoom

sorry dude, can’t come out tonight. got a bunch of apps that need updating so i’m gonna have my hands full with that

"are you a leader or a follower" ummm i am both, depending on how The Fear manifests itself within me

James Bond movies never show the part where the supervillain collects government subsidies to build his death tech.

if my wife needs to leave the house to run errands, she leaves me with a chewy that i can gnaw on until her return

drake: file the lawsuit. his song caused me psychological harm drake’s attorney: sir, i strongly advise against this drake: (pouring pop rocks into his mouth) have you had this stuff? it’s crazy, a friend recently told me about it

every linkedin post: 𝐉𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐂𝐨𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐫 Dɪʀᴇᴄᴛᴏʀ, Fᴏʀᴇɪɢɴ Rᴇɢɪᴍᴇ Oᴠᴇʀᴛʜʀᴏᴡ Dᴇᴘᴛ., Bʟᴏᴏᴅʙᴀᴛʜ Dᴇғᴇɴᴄᴇ Sᴏʟᴜᴛɪᴏɴs Excited to announce my promotion! It’s been a journey of hard work, resilience, and coup project management. I’m eager to tackle this new challenge. No government is safe from me! #thankful

(trying to connect with my wife’s coworkers at her work holiday party) i’ve had clairvoyant visions of this moment

all the fellas in Amphibian Chat absolutely roasting me for sending a photo of a mudskipper “bro it’s a fish 😂” “do you see moist permeable skin on that thing?? looks like fish scales to me lol” “🙄 i must’ve missed the conference where they announced amphibians no longer go through metamorphosis”

blocked off all of 2025 in my calendar to fight in the teeth wars and throw fluoride grenades at RFK’s raw milk-fed HHS super soldiers

[fascism ascending across the nation] time to take a gentlemanly two month break

really love my 9-5 job in the control room searching for jason bourne. haven’t found him yet after many years, but have full healthcare and dental coverage. tom (guy who says “jesus christ that’s jason bourne” when we briefly see him on the screens) brings in donuts every friday. we’re like a family

we got a bigger bed so our dog would take up less of it. but it was futile — he has adapted, finding ways to make himself larger and longer in the night

doing falconry with a trained seagull that brings me individual french fries

(anytime i have more than 2 errands to do) damn, my life is like uncut gems

best thing about a snowy monday night football game is that i can finally contribute to the fantasy football group chat with deep insights such as: “sure is snowy out there” “how can they see in all that powder lol” “the ball must be chilly”

(first day in the Bane prison from dark knight rises) little dark in here huh fellas