Local man said WHAT?!? Read more at the Weekly Needle: open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

“When asked to clarify his statement Andrew Hillkop, a spokesman for the president shrugged his shoulders and said “I barely know what the fuck is going on anymore”.” open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

Opinion: I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT VACCINES AND I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT by Dr. Bobby Malone open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

The Weekly Needle Explains: the looming government shutdown and how it will impact your health substack.com/@theweeklyne...

Lyn Redwood pushes to reschedule Vitamin D based on intergalactic threat from aliens, Claims Man at Bus Stop open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

“Don’t feed your kids or pets nicotine strips you dense motherfuckers” says the FDA open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

Hi world! I know it’s been a minute but happy to announce some big news. I am now the founder, editor, and contributor of the Weekly Needle, the best source for satire medical advice! Please consider subscribing! open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

Any it’s been a minute. But joke’s aside my appendage is a fucking asshole

Who said it: my appendage #RFKjr or Dr.Steve Brule? Raw milk is good for you, just not if it has bird flu in it

While this may be true, i can promise you those puppies are up on their anti-worm medication so i think they are bad. 0/10 military puppies

To be fair anti-woke can also be bigotry, pure hatred, ignorance. And a decent amount of self loathing hiding somewhere in there too

Thank you CDC coming to this All Hands that probably should have just an email

So glad that there is no pause on communication from CDC moving forward! I’m just sure everyone at CDC feels very comfortable to communicate with external members in this environment that fosters and dialogue!

Hi everyone! Very excited about joining the CDC all hands! I’m looking forward to meeting as many of you as I can!

Hi @altcdc.altgov.info good news! As of this second the All Hands scheduled for CDC is still slated to happen and there are no cancellations that i know of yet!!

I wish i had the friends, the arms, legs, and spinal column to do this. It’s hard to do stuff like this when all your other friends lack feet. And fun.

No - these dogs are 0/10. Why? I can tell their owner takes good care of them and they are taking anti-worm medicine.

I am proud of our dear leader paving the way forward to let freedom ring. Let those papers be free and fly in the wind like God intended!

💚💚💚 Good Tuesday Morning everyone. A few reminders about wearing green today, CDC all-hands meeting, and #saveCDC rally at 4pm. 💚💚💚

I’m very sorry to announce that we may have a worm crisis in Eric Trump. His body and brain is proving to be too perfect for worm growth, and i think the 5,000 worms inside him right now might be pushing the delicate state of his ecosystem to the brink. He looks like shit

Why is she doing standup in the Black Lodge?

I like the term “stable geniuses”

EXACTLY! That’s why my appendage and I preemptively mis-read the constitution to ensure we couldn’t pose the greatest danger to America.

Hi @medicine.stitches.today - these words are too long and big. Can you write articles for medical professionals who can’t read good?

Folk i need to dispel some rumors. I was not asked to join ACIP since my appendage considered me too burdened by knowledge to join. He did ask a ham sandwich he came across while walking down the street which turned down his offer

You can’t summon Stephen Miller by calling him by his name. You have to do it by saying “sexiest hateful cueball alive” three times in a mirror and post on twitter. He’ll then appear by responding to you on twitter. That’s how you summon him.

As a worm located inside the brain of a man who plays a medical professional on TV and social media, i can promise you bleach > flouride

Robert E. Lee was a great general who proudly lost many battles to help preserve the Union.

Have you thought that maybe Robert E. Lee didn’t like slavery but those woke abolitionists were just too woke for him and they were the REAL problem?

Everyone forgets that the road to sending Marines to Los Angeles under the Insurrection act got started with a tan suit. If Obama didn’t wear a tan suit, our dear leader wouldn’t need to violate the Constitution

Great question @altspaceforce.altgov.info! I am talking to our leading facebook scientists to try and figure this out. And how this is tied to the Rothschilds and or british royal family

If you're a Marine or other service member being mobilized to Los Angeles and you'd like to apply for conscientious objector status, call the GI Rights Hotline to get some guidance on your options: 1-877-447-4487

@altcdc.altgov.info - apologies for the last minute cancellation of our CDC all hands. We had a talk with Big Balls who admitted his balls are actually quite small. Too small to stand up to a bunch of scawwyy CDC employees who ask mean questions like “can you please explain what’s going on”

The CDC is being gutted. Experts are being pushed out. Science - and people’s HEALTH - is under attack. We can’t do this alone. We need voices, bodies, solidarity. 📍Please come out Tuesday to support. Stand with us to #SaveCDC Because when public health falls, we all feel it.

My appendage has this earworm today for some reason. Idk why tho - youtu.be/Z-48u_uWMHY?...

LA (Los Angeles, not Lewiston-Auburn) needs our good mojo tonight, Junior Rangers. I've seen escalating videos from NYC, as well, and we know that the regime is itching for an excuse to invoke the Insurrection Act and the suspension of habeas corpus. Be safe. #BreakTheICE

Trump 2024: “WOMEN WILL BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, CONFIDENT AND FREE” Also Trump: eliminate the bureau providing the research for paid leave laws, wage gap research, and child care policy—despite costing <1% of DOL’s budget. 🙃

Happy Birthday to a small and mighty bureau! This poster didn’t even know all the impactful accomplishments this DOL office made until reading this article 👇

I’m not anti-vaccine, i’m just against the vaccines that prevent diseases and illness

Looks like the #knicks shat the bad almost as bad as my appendage shitting himself after all the #MAHA raw milk he drank

Hi everyone - anyone who wants to watch #NBA conference finals tonight inside my appendage let me know. He’s been shitting himself all morning due to raw milk so there’s extra space in his asshole to crash

In other news glad to see my Knicks somehow squeeze this out to a game 6!!

Oh my. It seems my #MAHA report isn’t being received well. Listen haters: you try writing a report without hands, a prehensile tail, or a central nervous system.

Wonderful news! We encourage all formerly alive humans who die due to medicaid cuts to request a green burial service, as this will not only increase nutrient rich soil critical for nematode & other invertebrate Americans, but also help my offspring find new homes to feed off of

While i did travel to Argentina and Ecuador with my appendage, i didn’t really get to fo anything fun. Writing is no fun. Wish i got to meet Prez Milei and get my own worm-friendly chainsaw. I’ve been hoping to create an open concept space in my appendage’s pre-frontal cortex

Sorry everyone i’ve been MIA. Been busy writing a new MAHA report for my appendage. Had to use some unique sources to write it all up in time. Also i don’t have hands so it’s hard to type. Did i miss anything?