I'd like to clarify that the way Rose Byrne chows down to indicate great suffering in IF I HAD LEGS I'D KICK YOU is simply the way I eat most foods most of the time

While engaged in a cross-training routine, you have to be mindful of the risks; namely, that you begin to think you're somehow virtuous for choosing to flip tires before 7am

Spent some time this week reconnecting with the iPod Mini I bought in March 2005 and kept as close as a family member till I got a smartphone in 2014. Rebuilt the Top 25 Most Played playlist in Tidal because when a song slaps, it slaps endlessly and timelessly

Does anybody know how to make a painfully unfunny 60-second clip mashing up The Office and Law & Order? Looking to make it for under 20 cents.

**chainsmoking** you wouldn't b e l i e v e the things I've seen CPG manufacturers infuse with protein

If you wanna see me get angry, watch me open a promotional email that tells me to "Hurry"

Whenever I cross paths with the Instagram-famous dog in my neighborhood, which is often, I feel a big knowing smile break out over my face that's probably a lot creepier than just saying hello

New meditation practice: Unleash a wave of calm by simply staring at one of these babies

If society can more or less agree on the concept of "iPhone Face" then surely Chicagoans will agree when I say that some people exhibit undeniable Fulton Market Face

Confidential to Blank Check Patreon subscribers: Please go vote for Chucky over Halloween, not only because it's the right thing to do but also because I incredibly Need This

Have put a lot of thought into this and I've determined that the sexiest thing a person can be is someone who guides a door shut rather than letting it slam, and I understand if you think this is a bit, I thought so too when I started typing, but actually this is something real I'm sharing with you

Gotta hand it to Ring doorbells, which successfully marketed "voluntary paid opt-in to the surveillance state" as "wouldn't you like to eliminate the mild irritation of occasionally having your packages stolen?"

I love the Salt Shed, but we absolutely cannot start referring to it as "the Shed." We already have one of those. And if you think that context clues would determine whether you're talking about the music venue or the aquarium, may I refer you to the "Jazzin' at the Shedd" summer concert series

It's not my job to determine whether I qualify as a silly goose. That's your job entirely

Unfortunately I think we've found the sweatiest, most belaboredly overconstructed Nancy strip of all time

See? One need only hope

I made this to express my feelings

I understand that all logic would dictate I have an affinity for Hop Along but I simply do not and no streaming algorithm has yet succeeded in being trained on this one immutable fact

Thursday, or, the Friday of the Hopeful

Agree, except for some of us it's a transitional period while we cast about for a phrase to replace "you guys"

Hell of a thing to learn that if you were a horse you'd be literally the oldest horse in the world

Some of you have never been treated to the auditory pleasures of hearing a lifelong Chicagoan say "Throop" and it shows

No thoughts just Chef Boyardee Cannelloni

Soft dog treats rob us of the joy brought by those little cronching sounds

It's a new feeling for me, wanting so badly to spit on an eventual grave

I see this every day and can't stop thinking about it. For clarity it should probably say "IN EVENT OF FIRE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF SERVICE," because the current phrasing makes it sound like the elevators are being preemptively decommissioned on the chance of a fire sometime in the future

Unfortunately my high school pre-calc teacher who always responded to the question "How are trig functions useful to my life?" with the exasperated reply "IT'S BRAIN FOOD, OKAY?" was right on the money

Just unearthed some old chicken-scratch notes tucked in some books I haven't opened since college and they confirmed what I already strongly suspected, which is that I used to be a lot smarter

Uh oh she's overcaffeinated but also doesn't want to work

Unfortunately, Mr. Pibb dropping a Peach flavor is exactly what I needed to hear this week

This premise requires that you find these men hunky. As someone who has nary a crush in the bunch, I am in fact the one who is cruelly locked out of Academy Awards conversations

Oh, The Bear is filming? Call me when the Richie arc bends back toward that of a track-pant-clad dirtbag

I can't tell you how much I need the movie CRIME 101 to not be 2 hours and 20 minutes long

No thoughts just Horse Vision's "Partly Get By"

Really gotta give it up for the CTA this week. I've been gliding onto bus transfers without breaking stride for three days straight. A living god

Trying to figure out why I find this poster so funny. I guess it's because the common fear of being trapped in a tight confined space is being conflated with the heretofore unexplored phenomenon of being trapped in Mummy

“You can keep your body washes with their magnesium or their tea tree oil, their exfoliants and emollients. I’m a bar-soap user. It’s how I smell. It’s who I am.” slate.com/life/2026/02...

How did you all overcome your fear of hanging things on the wall above your bed? Did you simply decide one day that the possibility of something falling directly onto your face as you sleep was minimal enough to fill the conspicuously empty space? Please advise

It's so funny how many rich people's Wikipedia pages now feature this table of contents

I wrote a poem called "Paczki Day" in high school and called my Polish grandpa to have him spell "paczki" for me over the phone. I didn't know how to type it with the right accent mark in Microsoft Word, so I added it in pen after I printed it

To anyone *not* walking near Leland and Ravenswood right now: sorry you missed the show (me tripping on the uneven sidewalk and lurching forward into ten feet of instinctive somersaults)

More ad campaigns should take this tack: "Nerds Gummy Clusters? What's this all about?" "Wendy's Baconator Chili? What's the deal there?" "Oreo Cakesters? Now what the fuck is this, exactly?"

If I only knew that dodging and weaving around bars' live music schedules would become my life's work

The answer is Toffee, but more importantly, one of the funniest bits my mom ever did was offer me my first-ever cherry cordial, then when I was eating it, made like she was tenderly putting her hand to my cheek, pressed a little, and smashed the cordial in there

Excited to walk around the city this spring and so easily pick out those with character and taste

Sure, I'll allow all cookies on the Scrabble Dictionary website. Take my data. I surrender

Decidedly incromulent behavior by the NYT

Update: here lookin cool

Going to a concert by myself tonight. Need pointers on how to look cool doing that