The one thing I desperately desire to know about all charlatans but will never find out

This is tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon

As insults go, we might have peaked with "shithead"

Though the incantation remains largely unknown, if you call someone Cake Lover three times, their legal name officially becomes Cake Lover and Cake Lover is the only name to which they may respond

Your to-do list for this week should involve the dual world-improving tasks of visiting the library and riding public transit

Today all the buses behaved, less than 7 minutes' wait for each, and I felt and lived like a king

And if human decency isn't your thing, you can get to the airport for $1.25

I'm in a different city and was about to board the bus going the wrong direction and the bus driver not only clocked my error but made sure the correct bus waited across the street for me to board. Public transit reveals the kindness of people you'd never otherwise meet

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ to get the paper delivered to your door.

They didn't wait long enough after the conclusion of the '90s to make I LOVE THE '90S

I will go to my grave insisting it should have been called Paul Blop: Mall Cop.

Riding the train home with euphoric strangers after an event rather than taking a cab or a fucking ride share is freedom like you've never felt before

I dunno man, I know every generation has its own flavor of techno-backlash, but who can overhear someone scrolling through a social platform that delivers 65 discordant strobing video clips per minute and not suspect that it might have deleterious effects on the human brain

I join every single airline's rewards program so that I am guaranteed to be thanked while on board

I've discovered the very best form of fundraising: asking you all to go to Jeni's Southport next Tuesday between 3-6pm to eat ice cream. When you do, 25% of your purchase will be donated directly to The Friendship Center food pantry. It's easy! It's fun! I will praise you lavishly for attending!

I might be the first person in history to listen to "Umbrella" by Dog's Eye View five times in one day and, if I'm being honest, five times pretty much in a row

Trying and failing to imagine a world in which you could eat at Dollywood but not Mr. Beef

I just no longer have it in me to do the homework of figuring out who or what you're subtweeting

There's coffee on offer in the waiting room at my dentist's office and it feels like a trap

The feminine urge to visit every region of Michigan

Alinea … the restaurant so fancy it’s on a street that doesn’t exist

video!! www.instagram.com/reel/DOpZlvO...

Tragically I'm full of "hang all the art on the walls" energy but zero "figure out the new stud finder's deal" energy

Life is hard enough. Can we please stop putting grapes in chicken salad

Are we ever going to learn what all those fireworks were for

What the hell did you just call me

I go here exclusively for Red Cross blood drives

Summer would be so much more whimsical if I enjoyed Italian ice

See, when you listen to a Mountain Goats album, you know each track will be replete with this type of lyrical consideration

The moment I meet someone I can tell whether they spend their birthday reposting everyone's IG Stories about them being the birthday chica. An innate gift

Let me live here

I have champagne tastes (only gravitate toward coffee mugs that aren't dishwasher-safe)

9:48 am. Just saw a man exit Carol's Pub with a Greyhound in a raincoat

If you have reached my feed, of all feeds, then it's safe to assume you're wonderful and charming

📢 JOB ALERT: Block Club is hiring a full-time reporter to cover Beverly, Morgan Park + Mount Greenwood on Chicago's South Side! Deadline to apply is 9/15: blockclubchi.co/417MIqG

Never thought we'd accomplish what has today been achieved: I hate 100% of the posts I've seen on Bluesky since waking up

Soon I'll finally earn your respect

I had never clocked this date, must’ve been deliberate?

Further dispatches from the Free Stuff section of Craigslist

Every time I'm in a public place I silently marvel at how many people opt for the "clownish bicycle horn" notification sound

not a sports person so I'll log back into Bluesky sometime around March and your posts had BETTER be less inscrutable by then

Catch up on last week's episodes of my podcast from @radiomisfits.com with @consumerman.bsky.social @carguytom.bsky.social @marnieshure.bsky.social and more www.facebook.com/share/p/1C2a...

A small cut on your thumb knuckle is a lifelong friend :)

TWINLESS might not seem like a movie you have to watch on the big screen, but I'm telling you it was the most locked-in I've seen an audience all year. Gasps, exclamations, and completely breathless silence waiting for what the characters would say next. I wish James Sweeney were there to witness it

While I will absolutely, positively go see it, I already know the new Conjuring movie will be the worst one in the series simply because it is the longest one

Pedestrians who let the car go first at a crosswalk are cops

If I don't see LaKeith Stanfield pop up in at least three movies per year I grow parched

BRAND NEW EPISODE!!!! W/ @marnieshure.bsky.social chatting about food, horror, @mortifiedchi.bsky.social, the history of podcasts and more. SUBSCRIBE. DOWNLOAD. LISTEN. From @radiomisfits.com radiomisfits.com/ndp383/