God this is the most attractive he's ever been

Formative culture

Actually 9:07 a.m. is a perfectly fine time for Cheez-Its there's no rule

"Spring into ______" shall earn immediate condemnation to Advertising Jail

TFW you're a corporate litigation expert who knows how to ensure that the paper of record will come begging for a quote

My body after exactly 6.5 hours of sleep: SUFFICIENT REST COMPLETE. BEGINNING ENERGIZATION PROGRESS. ACTIVATE DAYTIME PROTOCOL

unfortunately still thinking about this

[shaking head] No regard

NOTHING I love more than a church gathering at which people scream about allowing renters in their midst

i think i want to be a decommissioned lighthouse when i grow up

Presumably because of the storms, the lights in this Brown Line car keep flickering off for 3-5 seconds at a time and now I realize that the thing I want most in this life is to ride the el home at night in the pitch darkness

This is tomorrow! ⛔🧊⛔

The Artist's Tour Page: 8pm Show Me: 😀 The Ticketing page: 8pm Show Me: 😀 The Confirmation Email: 8pm Show Me: 😀 The Venue: Actually, 8pm Doors Me: 🙂 The Venue: 9pm Show Me: 😐 The Venue: 2 openers, btw Me: ⚰️

Friends also tend to talk to you like a friend

Ridiculous omission. Baby lice is a huge problem

My musical tastes tend primarily toward "People who wouldn't want anything to do with me"

Blothar The Berserker Of GWAR Explains How Independent Journalism Is The Only Force As Powerful As GWAR. Subscribe to The Onion at membership.theonion.com.

Long live the institution of the Concrete Porch Goose

i don't think that'll make the result any more precise, but sure

In case there were any doubt that the size of one's vehicle is directly correlated to one's sense of entitlement

Anecdotally, it feels as though America's vizsla craze has subsided

The "clear formatting" option in Google Docs no longer removes hyperlinks and you couldn't possibly understand how much this is about to change my life

I awaken every day with the humility of knowing that my hand-me-down dollar store single-button 10-cup drip coffee maker will outlive us all

Look I know it's the slightest bit mild outside but WHY IS THE BROWN LINE AIR CONDITIONED

A fascinating look into this mentality. Why do you need to compete with a Fortune 500 company? You are a diner! The number one thing I want to see is photos of YOUR food, not a generic AI burger or your mac and cheese animated beyond recognition

Please keep me in your thoughts. My favorite local wine bar has become an influencer hotspot

POV: you're about to eat the best leftovers of your life

Many people get this wrong! The correct word for putting your body in a horizontal position is "lie." The past tense of that is "lay." What you never get when you point this out is "laid"

If you have a free night on April 17, consider joining us at Lincoln Hall for Mortified Chicago's first-ever fundraiser: Minnesota Nice, benefitting the Minnesota Immigrant Rights Action Committee. You will laugh and cry and raise money for a cause, which I consider a very efficient evening!

Rejoice, for He is rizzin'

♫comin' out of my cave and i've been doing just fine gotta gotta go up because i died for all♪

Jelly bean innovation is at its peak, people

I'll never have the self-assuredness of microwaves that immediately launch into a 3-minute cycle when you hit the 3

Relatedly, Hooters is not struggling due to a cultural sea change vis-à-vis women's bodies

Hopefully no one in Iran has begun their day by reading these flip, chirpy little sentences

Anyone got a recommendation for a weather app that shows the forecast even 1% more often than it shows ads

Listen if you wanna hear me hype up green cabbage for a solid five minutes

As a brand, you need to consider whether your April Fools post is causing confusion not because you successfully fooled the masses but because your attempt to craft a joke was so inscrutable that we're all wondering if you're okay

NEW EPISODE! Food writer @marnieshure.bsky.social talks soy sauce, horror movies, Mortified Chicago and more. Esmeralda Leon and Nick discuss hairy, weird, cigarette smoking male sex symbols of the 70s and more. SUBSCRIBE. DOWNLOAD. LISTEN. From @radiomisfits.com radiomisfits.com/ndp442/

Started writing my grocery list, but stopped once it could get no more beautiful and perfect

I'm in Wicker Park and there's signage of a cartoon bagel dabbing

Just another Saturday night visiting The Bench I Wonder Most About

GOD who wants to have some small beers and watch Columbo with me

May we all barrel into our Friday with the unhinged confidence of the Purple category in today's Connections puzzle

time to hit some motherfuckers with a peppy "happy friday"

Unfortunately no "Here's how to be successful" person has ever conceded that it's fine to not put on a full outfit when you WFH

One thing I'll say re: H*rry P*tter discourse is that people would do well to notice when they are contorting themselves to defend their existing feelings on a topic as not only correct but worthy of celebration; the project of being human is to sit in the discomfort and humility of necessary change

And tell your coolest, hottest friends, too

Chicago, if you continue to be jaw-droppingly inspired by Minnesotans' anti-ICE efforts every day, consider attending Mortified Chicago's fundraiser, MINNESOTA NICE, at Lincoln Hall on April 17: lh-st.com/shows/04-17-...