Too excited for this

Has anyone ever lived the dream of politely requesting that people scrolling TikTok videos rapid-fire at full volume in a public place be so kind as to mute their phones? I need tales of heroism right now

The Terminal 3 Dunkin' at O'Hare is nothing short of a modern day miracle. Always open. Fast no matter how long the line is. Unflappable service. Abundant in bananas at ideal ripeness levels. Simply incredible

It Happened To Me: I Bought Tickets To A "7 PM" Show But Only Doors Were At 7 And The Opener Is Scheduled For 8 And The Venue Just Told Me The Headliner Won't Go On Till 9 But That Probably Means 9:15

I've been listening to a podcast about physical media for more than a year and I still couldn't tell you with confidence what 4K is

We have a choice in this life. Every one of us. And I hope you make the right one by turning off your iPhone's audible keyboard taps.

She's been treating me pretty well lately, so just this once, THIS ONCE, I will choose to forgive

It's somehow still so funny every time I see high-end tailored-suit-clad bouncers outside of Carol's Pub

When casino ads open with the blaring question, "READY TO LEVEL UP?"

It's almost as if candidates who center public transit in their campaigns (and actually make use of the transit system) are enacting their commitment to a collective and communal vision for their cities and that this commitment wins them votes

Considering designing a custom "Stay Stoked" snapback to maintain a disciplined hope

Honestly language is so malleable, so inviting of our creative minds, so beautiful that the discovery of "scrunkly" is enough to make me weep

Another week spent brainstorming alternatives to "no worries if not" for all personal and professional emails

I aspire to replicate the frank honesty of the Craigslist Free Stuff listing for "Mostly Broken TV"

When the 381 Carl Sandburg is impeded by exactly zero freight traffic 🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

My brave stance is that Something Corporate's LEAVING THROUGH THE WINDOW (2002) is a no-skips masterpiece

That's okay; I will rush in to take their place

You have no idea how excited and relieved and grateful I am about this and it would be my pleasure to ride the trains and buses with any one of you at any time now that their time is no longer running out

Just an FYI to the zoos of America. Just because Halloween is over and it's November does NOT mean you need to stop posting videos of hippos cronching a whole-ass pumpkin between their jaws in a single bite. No reason at all to withhold such content. Keep 'em coming

(And Halloween)

You don't love Halloween you love a codified excuse to commune with your neighbors!!!!!!!!!!

Eventually every music streaming service bends toward the assumption that I must, MUST love the song "Phantom Limb" by The Shins, and every music streaming service is so woefully incorrect

In a constant state of owning approximately 6-8 pairs of pants and inexplicably hating all but 1-2 of them

Why and how is FRANKENSTEIN 2 hours and 29 minutes long. Do they show Victor completing his residency requirements

At the food pantry I volunteer at we were absolutely swamped today and by many first timers. We ran out of whole categories of food. Please donate cash to your local organization if you at all can.

Ghost buses aren't allowed to happen to good people on a Friday night that's not how it works

Hell yeah

Is it perhaps relevant that the French have Élysée Palace because it was built for monarchs, in a monarchy?

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at membership.theonion.com to get the paper delivered to your door.

Aw man, I thought it was "Well *dressed* women seldom make history"

All the worst people in the world want you to be gambling all the time, and that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be doing it

Let me just once again marvel at how bizarre it is to uncritically quote Elon Musk in all your marketing materials in 2025

Metra commuting rocks, despite unlocking previously unimagined levels of People Piling Their Shit Onto Every Open Seat

Please tell me the best podcasts you've listened to this year

When I think of my childhood, the over of this book surfaces first

If you're seeking an excuse to sit in total darkness, we invite you to a free screening of BUGONIA, a Yorgos Lanthimos film, starring Emma Stone and Jesse Plemons. RSVP here: theonion.com/bugonia/. (In partnership with @focusfeatures.bsky.social)

I'm in the heart of Lincoln Square. One bar

Nothing like turning on a horror movie and catching that first glimpse of Chekhov's Asthma Inhaler

Parking scooters so that wheelchairs and strollers are unable to get past them

Catch up on last week's episodes of my podcast from @radiomisfits.com W/ @thefienprint.bsky.social, @marnieshure.bsky.social, and a tribute to Tony Fitzpatrick. www.facebook.com/share/1agbiB...

BRAND NEW EPISODE!!! W/ @marnieshure.bsky.social talking horror and food, Esmeralda Leon and Nick being quizzed by Slap Slapply and more. SUBSCRIBE. DOWNLOAD. LISTEN. From @radiomisfits.com radiomisfits.com/ndp395/

There's a dangling modifier in the audio welcome message at O'Hare International Airport

Today I'm doing a trick combo of Metra + Metra + bus + L and it's treating me incredibly well

What... is going on here

some of us :/

This is the most brilliant collaboration imaginable

I would say "you'd have to try with all your might to park this scooter like *more* of an asshole," except that it WAS parked somehow even more across the sidewalk than this and I started to lug it off to the side and a loud scooter theft alarm began blaring and did not stop

Yesterday I rode the 81 Eastbound, the Brown Line north from Irving Park, the 81 Eastbound again, the Red Line south from Wilson, the 147 North from downtown, the 92 Westbound, and the Brown Line north from Irving again. Today I might mix things up with the 9 or 78 too. Ride the CTA; live more fully

I saw two people recognize each other on the Brown Line and I almost cried

Today I bought these four items, all of which were on sale with my loyalty card. I paid $40