The Devil: A guy who has never had a friend will yell at you for saying something that's not wrong, and not said in the wrong way, but in a way that the guy thinks is wrong. Me: That sounds very cool. And this all happens on my telephone?

“u” is for when you’re baby. “you” is for when you’re bastard

I got a new helmet that allows me to interact with the world digitally. if you feel itchy it is because I am photoshopping you

why would you think aliens wanted to eat us? they don't need food, they subsist on sound waves. thankfully our agonized screams do the trick

strong urge of unknown origin to get a tattoo of a heart with the word "what" in it

update: guy sitting next to me on that flight watched toy story 3 on his laptop and put on sunglasses at the end so I wouldn't see him cry

you know, the one with the dad who went to jail for embezzlement/son punching

a portrait of the artist, age 4

my favorite part of winter is that each day, the texture the inside of my nose will be when I wake up is completely random

I dare you to tree this sentence

the guy we're staying with in greece has a glass swan filled with potpourri in his bathroom which is probably the least illegal thing ever

small lion sleeps in man’s lap

the correct response to "I'll be thinking of you" is "I'll be binge watching netflix of you"

NO NO NO, mankind’s TRUE purpose is-- oh my god!...look... [there is a meteor hurtling towards us. the flames are beautiful]

really i cant fault anyone for getting mega pissed right now

you made a cute boy blush. go home, you fulfilled the objective allocated to you for the quarter. go home now.

left a store because I couldn't make myself say "I'm not shoplifting, the bulge in my purse is a giant zucchini that I have for no reason"

Art Supplies We've Eaten In Our Youth

curling up next to a lantern in a little tin shack with rain beating on the roof

I have actual problems but I also have problems such as "I can't reply to this text because I have too many pies in my lap"

seeking employment as a Horse Namer. my qualifications are that I have named a number of false horses, and that I'm desperate

it was my true real life and it still is but now i have a mallet

GET SHRIT : dashare.zone - DASHARE.ZONE ADMIN

can someone please affix a single donut to a brick and throw it through my bedroom window. come on take some initiative

finished trimming my two mature cannabis plants. they're in vacuum sealed half gallon jars now. it's fun to grow ten foot tall plants but the trimming takes forever 🌱

here is a thing to do: google "world's tiniest ____"

to prepare for my reading tomorrow I am sitting in a room with seven bookcases eating honey directly from the jar

also this seems to be their signature move bsky.app/profile/unra...

sext: wanna hag out? not a typo btw

if someone is making you angry picture them tearfully reading their diary to a really disinterested dog

here at reddit we accept everyone: douchebags, assholes, revolting slime molds contorting to spell out racist slurs,

but if we lift families out of poverty how will they pull themselves up by their bootstraps

"feels" is short for "full of eels"

trying to imagine my boyfriend and me living together but I keep accidentally imagining us standing outside a burning house laughing instead

a photo of me in 2005 and a photo of me in 2025. if you make the switch from wine to weed soon enough, you can age this well too

by far the adjective most used to describe me this week is "twee." I'm not sure how I feel about that but I guess I'll embrace it (◡‿◡✿) ♥♡♥

the "For You" feed is much, much, much, much better than "Discover" here's a link to it bsky.app/profile/did:...

Ron Paul pours pancake batter on the griddle and waits. every time he flips one he says "whoopsie daisy you brown bitch"

clippy really should’ve stepped in

short scary story: the baby looked up at me in the bath with a big smile and said “poop!”

what's that thing where you never get too depressed to finish eating a piece of toast

they should just get that gif of michael jackson eating popcorn to moderate this debate

is there a language that has a single word that expresses "sexy and depressed" because if so I need to learn that entire language now

"When he heard the knock about 20 minutes later, it didn’t occur to him that it was a maintenance worker responding, he said." how drunk do you figure this guy was

I am related to guy fawkes and I'm really sorry

aubrey plaza welcome to the noodleverse

hey when I get back to the states I can tell you guys stories about my trip that I couldn´t while I was here because they would worry my mom

psyched to move to a city with zero radioactive trash fires and zero stenches so large they need their own hashtag