my sigh air is exiting my body at 100 mph

let's footrace! haha gentlemen start ur engines *oh god ur foot engine malfunction*

Howard the frog

walking down the street carrying some food and thinking about what body parts I'm gonna turn it into. been thinking about growing some horns

earth seconds don't mean anything in space so who's to say that when we kiss in a spaceship it lasts anything short of forever

awww whats the matter did your friend get smashed by an entire moon

love the part of growing my hair out where I look like an old toddler for eight months

Zeke the frog

a business week lasts five days • a calendar week lasts seven days • a week with me lasts sixty eons

I'm a little baby baby

if I didn't mentally say "email!" in a Strong Bad voice every time I checked my email I would never, ever check my email

want to hang just my bangs out the window and wait for something sharp to walk by

my little niece has just renamed me kiki. I recommend that everyone get named by a baby

This crab is the most terrified an animal has ever been.

1 year old niece learned to spin in circles while chanting "doggie doggie doggie" today, she is easily the best person on the planet

today over the phone I said "f as in fire or s as in snake?" I'm the worst and creepiest waitress

good news everyone. I’m on 44 and now I know everything about meramec caverns again

when they digitize your consciousness theyre going to put ad breaks in there

this wine features light notes of citrus and tropical fruit and pairs well with nintendogs and way too many cookies

all I wanted for christmas was The Implication That I'm Not Fulfilling My Gender Roles, so thanks for collaborating on that one st. louis :3

everyone's getting married.................to each other

Jose the frog

my first name seems really "precious" or something I wish it was a bunch of knife emoji instead

my internal monologue just referred to the sky as Big Boy

watched a video where it said gardening would help you resist mind control and i was like man. thats great. i hate mind control but i love gardening. then i saw another video that said lettuce helps you resist mind control and that's when i realized they were both talking about weed

gonna try responding to every compliment, no matter what it is, with "thanks I'm incredibly strong"

Why I Don't Turn On My Headlights !!

neil gaiman's followers are very knowledgable about daylight savings time and use an impressive number of ellipses

tryna feed 2 cats but one is eating all the food while the other does complicated dances for me and I feel like they're gonna pick my pocket

SORRY - dashare.zone ADMIN

enclosing a handmade valentine with my tax forms so my refund is huger and more amorous

can't wait for January 1, 2021 when all of us simultaneously scream "HINDSIGHT IS 2020" then jump off a big stupid cliff

remember watching a gemstone twirl mutely on the home shopping network at your cousins' house at 3 am? shoutout to that

girl wanna come see my PVC pipe collection? I keep it strewn haphazardly across my unkempt lawn

the reason

do any of you live in London, Paris, Rome, Athens, Lisbon, Barcelona, or Madrid and want to hang out with me?

maybe you run on fossil fuels created from parts of you that died a long time ago

ME: its called the Ramen Shirt MARK CUBAN: [leaning back, note-taking] interesting, how does it work ME: it doesnt, its just a normal shirt that you wear so the ramen stains that instead of your normal clothes MARK CUBAN: ill give you 15,000 dollars

started the day off by saying "jonathan franzen" in various volumes and inflections then accidentally knocking a shelf off the wall

wait actually just paypal me a prescription for xanax. and a pizza

my etsy recommendations are incredibly fucked up since my friend made me look at a $4000 lifelike silicone infant. also the world is on fire

Fuck You Vanessa

just locked all the doors to my little sister's car in case someone tries to come in here and make fun of me for being covered in quinoa

I'm looking at a professional photo of me and laughing because at the moment I'm dressed like a trashcan and my hair looks like a creature

i know times are tough, but you never see anyone who can keep calm anymore, much less chive on

and my mom coming thru with the totally blasé text about it

the secret to immortality is pressing B every time you have a birthday

congratulations to the dress for becoming a more famous optical illusion than "is this line big or no" and "...square????"

idk man there were poppies and babies and dogs and shit. none of them knew u

james thinks snake oil is supposed to be oil made of snakes but I think it's supposed to be oil FOR snakes??? for snake maintenance